What's your 20?

It's kind of odd.

Slipping into oblivion while still being alive.

Watching it happen and just content to let it do so.

I've been there and back again, many times, but never quite like this...

I've seen it coming, but never quite felt like I was on the verge of falling down a great drain.

It's like my higher mental faculties want to shut off forever and let my capable body just exist.

There's no more reason for pushing to the end of ends. Why should I? What do I get?

I don't get so much as a hug and a stuffed animal at the end. My race ends the same as all. I just stop running, and then die.

It's the same for me if I have thirty brazillion dollars in the bank or if I die a pauper, homeless and on the street.

I don't get the feeling that my success in life will yield me all that much.

I like the feelings I get at times, but if I do take over the world? Nothing. I shape peoples lives, maybe I change the course of history, and for what though?

I don't get it, and I'm in one of those moods that I find it bothers me...

I'm not supposed to talk about it, but I have a moderte to high likelyhood of being out of the country in February. For a minimum of three weeks. That's why the odd questions and I'm glad for those that answered my riddle of a question.

I'm excited for the prospect, and everyone makes it sound like it's a sure thing. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea and am more excited than you could possibly imagine, but I don't believe in a sure thing. Ok, so maybe I believe in a reasonably sure thing, or something like that, but it's more complex then that because nothing's ever simple with me.

I should challenge myself a little more. Maybe that's what this is all about... I don't have anywhere to put my energy. All I do is harrass Vermillion and that's getting well beyond the point of being a good thing. Especially as it comes up more and more in our conversations.

I'm tired of the only challenges in life being those of my design. Not to say that I want the house to burn down or anything like that, but face it, when I solve a puzzle, and then mix up the pieces again, I still know where the pieces are, where they fit, and how long it will take me to finish it.

At least for a little while this suffices.

It's interesting to see myself drain away again, slowly. Not that I want it, but it's more interesting to have two halves of myself so completely seperate and yet so completely aware of each other.

I shall miss our conversations...

I maintain that I shouldn't be allowed to stay up late like this and by myself. I've decided that is probably my issue right there. Too little sleep, staying up too late, it's all going to drive my health into the ground and make me clinically insane, irrefutably loony and quite ludicrous.

Therefore, I bid you good night. Don't ask me about my potential trip, everything in my soul burns to tell you about it, but I was asked not to. That being said, I need to work on this whole secrecy thing again. It used to be that only information came in and that if I didn't want you to know, I wouldn't even hint at it. Now I'm acting like a newb spy begging to be caught.

Sheesh.