Life.

I shouldn't do this. Shouldn't get bogged down in the meaning, shouldn't ask depressing questions that can't be answered. What is good in life?

Is it your collection of stuff? The amount of sexual partners you have? The fewest indiscretions? The most values or virtues? The amount of money in the bank? The size of your house? Your car? Your memories? The people you've touched? Is it that you'll be remembered for centuries, or that you were overlooked? Did you die in the street? Did you die a nameless, penny-less drunk?

What we have to do and what we want to do are many times different things. I've committed myself to another $100 for the next several years. Things will be tight for at least the next 6 months, which means that I'll be stuck here for the most part in all likely hood instead of doing things that would make me have fun. Fun? What is fun? Fun is the thing that keeps you distracted until you die from it.

How many toys do I have? How many characters generated? How many trinkets and gizmos. Is this good in life? How many thousands of dollars wasted? How many hours? I suppose it was fun at the time, but why do I look back at it and think what a waste it's been.

My entire life I've been setting goals. Not always achieving them, or not always seeming to, but now many of them are coming together. I have a car, almost completely my own. I have a house that will be all mine. I have a job. Then the one thing that I never thought I'd care about is the one thing that I think would make me the happiest right now. A person to share it all with. A queen for my kingdom. Odd to say it, probably more odd for half of you to read it, but with my entire life longing to be away from people, I finally got far enough out to see their worth. I don't want to be knee deep in most people's lives, but I do want someone to share and fight it all out with. She would be all I need, but she would probably need others much the same as I need her.

Here with this empire that I'm building out of life, the costs I'm accruing and the payments that I'm making, I want someone to share it with. It would have made sense to stay with Whit, to a point. She's crazy in love with me, but I have things to figure out. I haven't been able to project in a year. At first I thought it was maybe just a shift, but so fast, sudden and powerful? I'm not centered anymore. I'm a robot. I have few feelings and those I express the most are negative: anger, frustration, etc.

Everything else is just robotic, my life is well enough programmed to not only carry on without my heart and soul but to kick ass at the same time. No one's hardly noticed. Not even Whit, or my family, at least not that I've admitted to them. I've bought a house and started building a new five and ten year goal. One person makes me feel anything exciting at all and she's entirely out of reach. I worry that it's a lie, that if anything were allowed to happen it would fizzle like so many other things.

I don't feel like I have a heart or a soul. I need to find something, figure this out. I used to think I was just tired, but not being able to project is something I've NEVER had a problem with. I don't feel. I don't feel it, I just do it.

I thought I needed out to figure it out. Well now I know, but I don't know what to do with it. How do I bring someone into my home, into my life, when I'm not even a real person anymore. Dealing with Whit we read up a lot on depression and related stuff like that. She and I have a lot of similar symptoms, but we deal with it entirely differently. I blame myself more than her for everything that's happened, but she feels it's her fault. I don't know that I'll ever convince her of it.

I need to figure out where the soul is. I need to break free and finish understanding this. I don't know how to do it though. I don't know how to bring the life back. In the meantime I joke and I carry on, but there's an enormous weight there at times. I think I'm ready for that to be gone. I think I'm no longer afraid of the world carrying on without me, without being carried by me. It always finds a way, but even still, I lose a lot by giving up. People lose me if I give up.

Got to figure this out. I owe it to myself. Since I feel that I've been doing such a good job pretending then I don't think anyone else has noticed, until now. I'm fine, we're all fine here, but I need to feel the joy of life again, I need to feel life. It's getting high time to start a family. I'm hunting for someone to share that kind of connection with. There are plenty that like me, meaning more than one and one is all I need. I just don't feel anything there and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I don't know how much more heartbreak I can take, either them breaking mine, or me breaking mine by what I do. So many rough things. So much weight. I wish I were just able to stomp across someone's life and not give a second thought. That's the last line I hope to cross.