I know the pieces fit...

'Cause I watched them tubmle down.

I thought about this the entire drive home, it was going to be anothing long cleansing post, but now only fragments remain, ironically. This song is an underlying explaination to why or how I feel myself slip. I have very strict checks and balances included in my mind to keep myself from being duped (highly important because I'm naturally a trusting and gullible soul with a high capacity for forgiveness) and I use it each day to help me remember everything, every detail.

Where it backfires is that reality seems elusive. It slips. Pretend you come home one day and your house is a hundred feet farther down the road and you have new neighbors, but you've lived in that house for decades. Did a new house spring up there or did you forget and it's simply always been there? The wonderful thing about the mind is how it copes with this nonesense.

Often I feel like I've woken up in another world. Part of my reality matrix is to cross reference with multiple sources. Therefore if I'm losing my mind for example, everyone will say one thing and I'll "know" another. It takes a lot to erode my "knowing", but it can happen. After all, when everyone in your life "knows" something exactly the opposite of what you "know", then you must be wrong, right?

I guess that's what makes me crazy, because more often than not the answer is no. I'm not wrong, I don't know how to reconcile what you're saying either, but I didn't wake up one day and suddenly forget my neighbors, the world changed. Does thinking you're the last sane person on the planet make you crazy?

So now the real kicker is applying that into relationships. I've been in trouble for using the "L word" too much. No, it's not lesbians. It's Logic. My mind has to exist on it. It has to run on logic because I believe in being as fair and just as humanly possible and that means that one good turn deserves another and good deeds should be rewarded and not punished and what not. How it relates to relationships is that I can't understand how you can have a picture perfect relationship with someone, be it friendship or otherwise, and it just disintegrate.

Often people say that you had to have seen it coming, there were signs, something could have been done. I promise that I believe that and trust in that, but when nothing can be done and the strongest relationships and most idealized relationships come crashing down, what's to be done? When something that you've built so much of your reality comes to a screeching hault, then what? You shrug, walk the extra 100 feet to your house and get in. That's what people do.

I know the pieces fit, 'cause I watched them tumble down. I hate seeing that my relationships shift. I always want to point the finger, blame the other, but I feel the fault is mine. I know it is at times, and feel it is almost always. This song represents in me my willpower. I can use my mind to bend the universe into shape if I just will it enough. If you see me focusing or having a little public freak out it's just me trying to put everything back in its place. I don't know who put me in charge of this, but I don't know how to stop either. It's my job because I can. I just need to make sure that this doesn't suck me in until I'm lost in space and time and some great one eats my face. I assure myself the world will spin without my intervention, that's how I sleep at night.