Still Cantcatchabreak.

Some of you may remember, or at least I think that I remember, my self appointed "Indian name": Cantcatchabreak.

Still rings true.

I know that there are a thousand things to be greatful of, but the truth is that I'm not alright, I'm not right, and I don't care that you care.

It's a personal battle, in a public forum. I just need to think it out, and I usually think things out here.

I can't say anything about it here without my friends worrying about me, which is why this would normally go into the drafts section and never thought of again, but frankly, they probably deserve an explanation because they've fielded the brunt of this as much as anyone.

Since October, I've not been me for some reason. There's no big event that I can point to and say "It's all your fault", and yet, I feel there should be.

I haven't held up any of my extracurricular activities as I have made commitments about, and I haven't spent the time with my friends that I feel that I should.

Quite frankly, my heart has been cast in iron and filled with concrete. I can't seem to get it jump started and it seems almost to manifest physically now.

I smile, I love, I laugh, but these things seem more and more hollow to me. I don't know why. My mind is the same as it has always been, I love you all the same as I always have, but somehow don't feel it in my heart. Without my heart I feel like I'm a robot mindlessly doing what it's ordered from the control unit, my brain. The operator is working with outdated programming and assumptions, and I'm not doing so well with the actual feeling associated therein.

Now that I've scared most of you to death, let me re-itterate and make very known that if I have told you something, it is the gospel truth as far as you are concerned. I still love each of you, I am not running away or leaving (nay, not even to India). I don't do this to scare you or draw a reaction, but I pray that I will open up to feel something, anything. I'm just not healthy like this.

Some of you may have gone as far as to notice that it's 6 AM on a Monday morning, the start of my shift, and that's because my ride is now, at least, once a week late, and for the last two weeks there's been days where it's made me more than 30 mins late for my shift.

Life's normal obstacles add to this unnatural funk about me. I'm not one of those emo "woe is me" types where I must be coddled and loved lest the world hates me, but it seems that is all I can get.

Vermillion, I know if you're reading this, you may be horrified. I don't want you to fret, certainly not like a week or two ago. I love you, still do, and plan on it being like that for a long time to come. I wish with all of my concrete-laden heart that you will realize that, and more so, get over what ails you right now as well. I don't know what I can do to help, but whatever the cost, anything, and I would help you with yours. Find the price and name it and it's yours.

Maybe I shall get a day or two of distance before this becomes noticed and read, but knowing how ever vigilant my friends are, I'm out of luck there.

You guys have been better than I could ask for, I just wish you could say the same.

I shall catch you on the other side of this. I'm just still cutting through this to the oasis on the other side.

Godspeed.