And the winner by a nose is...

Yeah, I'm still alive, though it was a bit of a challenge. But looking back, it was pretty easy for the most part. But I don't recomend living by necessity. I had little to choose this last week in what I did. I did what I did out of survival of my body, mind, and spirit. And by Friday, I was breaking down quite noticeably... But then I made it to work and it was much better. Of course it sucked being there until 2:00 AM, of course it sucked watching groups of aged friends, and couples come in to enjoy themselves. But I relished in supplying them with minute bits of laughter, and that kept me alive, and quite possibly maintained the bulk of my sanity.

And then it struck me, not as a surprise, but as a thought in passing. I am two completely different personas between work and school. At school I am very dark and passive, and yet still maintain that force of will, but as a shroud... But at work I am the beaming people pleaser, the guy that everyone knows, and who can get just about anyone to talk to him. It was ironic to the point that I started humming the "Cheers" theme song by closing shift. It's an odd thing, especially when my shift leader is a bit off the social and societal mainstream. He's quite easily half the nerd I am, but I think freak him out a little bit, sometimes. But work isn't so bad, it's just that I have to work. But really, it's great except for the lousy pay and the harsh hours. I don't know if I'm just lucky, or if I just do a better job of ignoring the honery and grumpy, but I love the people in the fast food business. For the most part they are some of the best people I have ever known...

But I am also fighting my urges to leave society once and for all. I really like people, but I can't stand how offully they can treat each other. I'd love to say that I'm the only one who's ever had to go through some of the things that I have lately, but I actually know someone who is going to go through it, but no less than 10 times worse. It makes me sick. And now I have to evaluate how I'm going to react to everything. It's so pathetic and horrible that so many people don't understand the power of truth. Just to say it, to be candid and hold nothing back, to just be honest and unashamed of who you are. If people would do that, would just be proud of who they were and would tell the truth, there would be almost no pain and the world would abound with love. But no. We can't have that. Everyone sticks to their petty lies. And I'd love to say that it's a phase that people grow out of, absolutely not. It afflicts those that are far past the teen drama of Jr. High and High Schools. It surpasses even the more suttle, and yet more unabashed college drama. It hits adults and married couples constantly. And what's the draw? Do you honestly gain something by lying? I admit that in some circumstances I find it might be prudent, but it is no less than 10 times worse when it comes out. It doesn't matter how long you lied, for a day or for years, it causes multitudes upon multitudes of more irreperable damage than just simply stating the facts...

It makes me sick. I swear that if I have to find out that one more of my friends, or someone close to me, has lied to ANYONE like that again, I just might quit. Hermitize me Cap'n! It doesn't much matter to me anymore, if I'm going to have to worry about someone who claims to love me, whom I love, ever turning about and doing that to me again... There's not really much I could do to assure my actions. Nothing violent, I've already fought that one off when confronted with it... But my heart can barely take this. So many lies, half truths and whole hearted hurts. It's not enough that they tell you that they lied to you for so long, they have to drag you through the mud afterwards... I'm getting very anti-mankind here, so I think I'm going to stop before I say something that I regret. But there's no point! Please, please, please! If you respect and love anything, just be candid and true! True to yourself, true to others...

If not for my sake, then for yours... I guess I say that realizing that those who always are causing the most harm couldn't care less...