A true test of one's identity.

So I wasn't doing so badly until I decided to be an idiot, and then it came crashing in around me. This, perhaps is why it's so hard, because all that it is, the loose denial, is too weak to sustain any sort of truth. A half truth blows it out of the water, and that's been the problem all along.

I never thought I would say it, but I miss friends. I miss being around laughter, around joy. Even those up here that sort of are friends don't have anything like the sense of humor that I do. Of course no one does, but up here it's different. It's not even the same world. So the true test of self identity has got to be what you do when you're alone. What do you do when no one is around to manipulate your moods, when you are bored and alone? Most people don't deal with that, most people would probably kill to avoid it. I feel like some people I used to know did. But me? I seek it out, to test myself in new ways.

I've been talking about truths in a vaccum, it's quite a story, I'm sure. And I figured something out, perhaps I knew it already, but it's always discovery, rediscovery and improvement with me. But personal truth exists in a vacuum. It's you when you are alone. Perhaps that's enlightenment. It's assuredly the first step. I'm actually thinking that enlightenment is knowing what you're going to do in any situation. I've boasted that before, with any seriousness? Not really. I am on that path, I would hope, but I definately took the wrong turn at Albuquerque, the catch is that I wasn't paying enough attention and couldn't get back to that spot if I tried. At least not without some outside help, something aside from "follow your nose" I'm thinking.

I'm on the verge of another wormhole in life, a threshold (long story again) and I'm not sure I'm going to make this one. Of course, that's how they always feel until I'm safe on the other side. Maybe this fits better than I thought, I'm probably already there (violating time and space of course) and just don't know it yet. I need a vehicle. Such a trite thing. Everything else is gravy and easily within my grasp. I just have to go to the dark side so that I can win. Suppose that's always been the answer...?

Hmm... What I really need is some intellectual stimulation. No offense, but really... There's none fore me lately. No face-to-face arguments with my teachers, peers, or anyone for that matter. I find new things out, but it's a little more difficult to verify the credibility on your own.

Rambling noted. Termination protocol activated.