Quite impossible.

I don't know if anyone's realized it, but life is quite impossible. No matter what ideals you set for yourself, your plans, or beliefs, you will end up breaking something. No, I'm not talking about breaking a vase or a window as you're rough-housing or playing ball. I'm talking about your promises, your word, your values. They always will get bent and broken.

More and more I am starting to doubt certain precepts that have long been held in the world. Why should that shock anyone? It's what I'm good at doing. Poking holes in things that have been highly regarded for the past umpteen years.

I'm finding that life is quite actually impossible. It's impossible to be perfect, it's impossible to live a righteous life without any failings, etc, etc, etc. There's only one thing we can do perfectly, be ourselves. But then I suppose we fail rather perfectly as well. It's an interesting predicament.

My heart of hearts tells me that it's in your continued advancement and refusal to give up that good is down. Meaning that if you are right, you shouldn't give in. But how do you know you're right? In a world of wickedness and corruption, how do you know that the other side isn't the right side? It's easy. Your very being tells you.

So much to do...

Anyways, I haven't gotten around to posting about Friday, because I'm not entirely sure what to do about it. I know that these are typical everyday and mundane issues, but to me they are my newest challenge. My greatest study, aside from the constant observance and discovery of the good and evil aspects in life, is the social animal of man. Lately, it's been much to study the interactions associated with courting, etc. It's a difficult thing to do, actually. How do you study something that seems to the untrained eye to be completely random, and solely built on by your uncontrolable heart?

You have to understand it. People absolutely refuse. I don't understand THAT. I don't get how someone, even those that claim intelligence, can claim unaccountability if "love" is ever involved. It quite litterally boggles the mind. I have always been a member of the school of life that believes in "Mind over matter." Taken to extremes that means that everything that effects you is within your ability to control, all you have to do is know about it. Essentially I combine "Mind over matter." with "Know thine enemy and know thyself and victory will always be yours." Quite simple really. So how is it that someone completely responsible for each and every one of their own actions skirts responsibility for love? How is it that love escapes that? This is a central argument for Bi-sexuals and Homosexuals. That they can't choose, that they didn't choose. It's quite odd, indeed, because I know for a fact that the only thing holding me back from finding someone to "love" is my own choices and actions. I can't affect human will, or at least won't. But that doesn't mean that there aren't those out there that are willing to love me. I have decided not to love them back for one reason or another. I'm actually not sure that I could explain all of the reasons, but I know that they exist.

I suppose that's a long awaited tangent. Back to Friday, and somewhat how it ties into the two above digressions.

I broke a word and bond by going to CONduit on Friday. Yet, I did go. I stopped going because I was tired of being conned (get it, CONduit? Of course, that's not why they chose the name...). I was tired of seeing my friends jerked around for something that we wanted to support and have fun with. I did this with my friends, and granted, most of the opinion is not my own. But that which is hasn't been swayed at all from the other side. I've seen enough to make my decision. Anyways. I went back to help a friend. I went to CONduit this last Friday so that I could help a friend put on a gaming event. In hindsight, I wasn't much of a help, but at least he appreciated what little I did add. It was a tough call though, I said that I wouldn't return, but I did. I didn't support the con as much as I supported my friends by being there.

But it wasn't all for naught. I actually nearly got a pseudo-date. You might be confuddled about what in the nine hells I might be talking about. So let me try and fill you in. When we were starting to collect players for the game, we touted it as a game in which you can blow things up. We had a few people come streaming into the room wanting to help blow things up, go figure. Some stayed, some left. One that stayed was actually the only player in costume. I'm still not entirely sure what she was. She had fangs (in her mouth and around her neck) and her Akida (it's a breed of dog, apparently a very loyal breed). She ended up staying, thought not really expecting to have a super amount of fun becuase she doesn't do well with abstract thought...

But the game went on, and after a while we got near the dinner break and she asked if I wanted to go somewhere and have dinner with her. Well, that's never actually a hurt to the ol' self-esteem and I of course agreed. She had some things to do and went to go shop. Go figure. But after a while it became apparent that she wasn't coming back. I'm not so sure about why, she seemed exited to come back. It's a bit of a mystery, and I'm not all that hurt by it. I'm trying to develope this sense that other people's lives don't actually revolve around me. It's a bit difficult much of the time. But I am curious what might have changed her mind. Not just because we had plans, but she did talk about coming back to hang out with all of "us" at the game.

Never the less, she ended up taking third place in the game and winning prizes. We have her prizes, and I've sort of been picked/volunteered to track her down. And again, I'm reluctant. I suppose I actually need to get into the habit of forcing my way into people's lives again. One of the things that I hate most of all these days is making waves in everyone elses life. I don't need to do that. It's been done in my life now, tidal waves to be precise, and I don't know how I would be accepted in someone else's anymore. Like I said, my choices are keeping me back.

It's a shame that I actually have to climb up the rungs of this ladder again. I actually had thought that my climbing days were over, that I wouldn't have to anymore. That I could be safe and secure where I was. I'm starting to think that it was just paving the way for something else. But though I see the possibility, I have to deny it. It feels close to time, but not yet.

So I make my excuses. After all, this girl lives in Salt Lake City and we are hardly a super compatible match. I seem to attract a certain type, I suppose. It's a little more complicated then I think I could accurately explain. And I'm not sure enough about one of my readers to go on. She would want it, but I am still hesitant.

As for this girl that I met at the con, I'll eventually have to arrange for her to recieve her prizes. I suppose at that time I can deal with other issues. Right now it's how. There are so many things that I let hold myself back... Interesting...

Like I began saying: Quite Impossible. The only way I actually ever get through these situations is by knuckling down and doing them. I actually wonder all of the time why sentience is a quality of our life. You actually seem to do ok without thinking much of the time. Thinking gets tangled up with other things that you shouldn't worry about... Instinct does quite good enough...

I'm sure you all loved that interlude. Not sure while I'm going to post it. But I do suppose I needed to think out loud. It's not like I get a horrendous amout of fan/hate/love/help mail anyways. Heh. That's one of the benefits. Having no negative feedback (and hardly any possitive feedback) lets me believe that most of the time I'm just talking to myself.

Here comes the rain. It's a bit overdue. Time to try and sleep, I suppose.