"You may fire when ready..."

Sorry, one of my most favoritest quotes ever. And if you don't get it, I will first ask you why it is that you persist in reading this, and then I will tell you that it is Grand Moff Tarkin right before he gets blown to Corescant with the first Death Star. In fact, those are his last words. But if he saw it coming he might have mouthed "Oh Shit!" and the last thing through his mind was definately a bulkhead or that table...

Anyways, now that the randomness is sorta over... I mostly put that in because of my analogy lately. I'm a freakin' cannon just looking for a target. No, I'm not really itching for a fight, but I think I'm back now. Back to normal, so to speak. However long that may last. But never the less, it is there for now. I feel like a loaded cannon just waiting to be unleashed at my target. But I don't know what that is. Where it is, or even if it is. I just need a direction in such an aweful way. Something lasting. Some sort of good purpose. Right now, for the second time in my life, I could care less about the things that I have worked so hard for. Because they no longer seem like what I want. Most of it was really an arbitrary direction that I pointed myself in knowing that anything that came along could easily be incorporated. Thus I aimed as high as possible. Orbit, and beyond. There's nothing boasted to be harder than engineering, and by far the most prestigious think tank in the world has been NASA. But their glory has been allowed to be tainted by petty public fears, and I can easily attain most (if not all) goals set aside for me, now. But what are they? That's the question. In my own dilusions and arrogance I have always felt set aside for something greater. As though I were being prepared for something huge. Yet, I am more and more preparing myself that it is untrue, that I am doomed to simplicity and mediocrity as the average Joe. Which don't get me wrong, sure that might be great for other people, but everyone knows the sort of things that I'm capable of. Though much more modest than my assessments at times, lol. Though I do maintain a cool head and level point of view. I'm just itching for a "fight". I haven't had a good, worth while, challenge in several years now. My skills have been dulled for a decade and now I'm having to relearn things that I've always known. I'm greatful to do it, but it shouldn't have happened in the first place...

Purpose... Without it there's really little reason to exist. I know that I have to have one, I'm just tired of not knowing. In my day and age there's not really much to be had for creating your own. Especially since I dare you to craft a more comprehensive sense of where you wish to go than I have. But that's not purpose. That's direction. I could easily do that. Well, as easily as anything that I have done before... But what's the lasting effect? What does that do? There's so much greater good to participate in... Even if I merely have to settle on one life to do all that I can to enhance it so that it can be deemed "better". But where is it? What am I supposed to do with all of this unassumed and idle energy? Hardly work for a place like Lowe's, or Convergys. They're as much a direction for my energy as Carl's Jr...

But I suppose all of this stems from having the most socially productive week in ages. Contacting old friends, creating new ones. That I hope will be as lasting as the old. Multiple job offers, of sorts... But what's the lasting gain? I don't feel I will be at either of these places of work for more than a year. I don't know what will be gained from these relationships, if anything. There is nothing long term in my life beyond months. Litterally, September will end the last of my calendar events. At least the unique ones. And after that, what? I make relationships that are born to fail, by some circumstance other than my own... And even by my own hands oft times...

...

I'm not sure what to do. For the millionth time, I am tired of the status quo. I am starting to make changes to it, but would feel much more secure if I knew a direction to point... A purpose to be had...

I'm not really down, just frustrated a bit.

Anyways, this week should be a good one as well.

I get to see a zombie movie (something I have litterally been craving as late for some reason) and a brilliant looking one in its own right as well. I'm very excited. And I'm home with my family. Apparently I will be more or less trapped this week, but it's really for the best so that I'm not chaining myself to my computer all week, though I do need to handle a few things with my roommates...

I loaned my brother "The Art of War" for to read this week. He's doing his college thing for the next 5 weeks now. I hope that he reads it, cares for it (it's really precious to me, actually) and then can glean something useful from it. Unfortunately, in a thousand readings I don't think anyone would take from it what I did ages ago. But I do hope that he gets something useful from it. I'm one of those that takes it to be more than military strategy. But I've always been like that. Anything can be cross introduced...

Anyways... The hour is much too late to allow a continuance of my ramblings. Early, it is early.