All is forgiven
But not forgotten...
It may take a little longer for the wounds and some of the bitterness to subside, but I think that I am nearly at peace again. I have forgiven those that wounded me, and done something that I had to do. Yet I still question if it conflicts with values. I know it is in direct contrast to what I have said and done for the last two months, but I have not lied. I need you to understand that I have suffered more loss and pain in two months than I would ever hope to, and I wouldn't change that now. But I do have to change how I've been handling it. And I feel that this is the best way. Perhaps this will be some kind of redeming factor, perhaps it will make me a better person, but I feel it need be done.
I still have another to speak with, but I spoke for an hour with someone whom I have outwardly hated for two months and who did the same. Who stabbed me and tore me asunder. But perhaps this will bring me peace and I can move on...
I don't know. I feel that I had to do it, but I didn't know how it would turn out. I'll be sorting that out for a while.
I know, as ambiguous as ever. Sorry to do that to you. If you need to know, you'll ask.
posted by A_Shadow at
1/19/2005 09:54:00 AM
6 Comments:
I am so in the dark on this one... Please email me or something because I am missing something...
1/20/2005 09:38:00 AM
Yes, that is also the way I feel. I have forgiven a long time ago, but I must remember so I don't leave myself open to these kinds of things...
1/20/2005 09:39:00 AM
Ah, luck is overrated, and yet underrated at times as well. I don't hold much stalk in it, I am more a believer of things happening for a reason. If you are to be stabbed in the back, then there is something to gain or learn from it. I don't believe that God would be happy that you be wary of your brothers and sisters for someone that wounded you. I think it's a test of character, and I hope to pass those with flying colors.
It isn't actually as hard to guard against as you might think, but I know that in my case it was impossible. Nothing, and I mean it, would have changed what they did - save their own actions. And I don't think that they regret or realize what they did enough to ever want that to change. They would have my reaction change before they would have events change... I suppose I could have lashed out at them first, I wasn't ignorant of its coming, but I couldn't do it. For months I thought it over, and I never struck...
1/22/2005 12:01:00 AM
I still don't think I'll ever understand that argument of yours... To love and not trust... Trust for me is the highest level of love. I suppose you can trust and not love, and vice-versa, but you can't argue that there isn't a bit of love in trust.
Alternatively, I don't think you can really love someone that you can't trust. What kind of living is that? If I never trusted anyone, than I could never trust in anything. I trust in myself. I know that people will let me down, but that's not necessarily their fault. It's a complicated thing that I'm not sure I could explain properly...
I trust you, would you give me reason to doubt that? I won't live in fear of being stabbed in the back, not anymore than I fear dying in a car crash or having my home invaded. Yes, all of those things might happen, and you should guard against them. But you can't live in fear, and distrust is a type of fear. You refuse to trust people because you know that someone will stab you in the back when given the chance. But that's really where you can shine. When it happens, chastise them and then begin the healing process. You know that the look in their eyes will be worth it when you ask them what you can do to help...
I did it, I'm not entirely sure it was the right thing (without compromising something that I've done, said or believed), but I suppose they will be happy. And if that's something, than that works. I don't really know what to do in that situation still, and I know what I have done, but I'm not 100% sure that it's the right thing... But it worked, I suppose...
Anyways, I still refuse to be someone leary of all. I am a paranoid person, I know that events may happen at any time to destroy the moment before... But I won't treat a complete stranger as an enemy because he/she might become so later. If that was the case, how would I have met all those that I did? Of course, eventually, you will run into someone that will be that thief in the dark, or the masked assassin. But how many loves, friends, and members of your family must you miss because you are leary of that one masked stranger. You merely need to learn how to sniff them out. They give a sense off that can be registered, and then you may guard yourself. In my case, I blinded myself to it because I believed in the hope that they might change...
It brings me back to one of my favorite quotes: "Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb."
It's a satire, so don't take it to heart, but you can't help but note the irony sometimes... I was stabbed in the back because I was "dumb", but perhaps I didn't lose as much as I think... Perhaps... I know that I gained some things that I will treasure. The two of you for instance...
1/23/2005 11:43:00 AM
I suppose that I can't deny the wisdom in that. But there's a subtle difference in waiting for people to stab you in the back, and them making a mistake. I think you can catch my meaning. I don't hold making mistakes in the same light as a trust. I trust my brother, and I love him, but we fight with each other all of the time... I don't know that I could really ever explain that.
But to me, a love is more full when you don't have any secrets. There will always be some, but it should be because you haven't the time to speak it, rather than you are afraid to, or are devious.
I don't like loving someone that I know is going to stab me in the back. That's why I convinced myself that I didn't think she would. So thouroughly, too...
1/24/2005 12:30:00 PM
Secrets I can understand, everyone has them, it's the endless unability to share. I don't expect to know everything, but are we such a wary and untrusting people that we can't share our deep, dark, thoughts?
I am not that person. I am not afraid of my dark, nor my light. I exploit and expend each in their time. That's what makes me unique. I am completely true to myself. If I have done something wrong, I know it, and most likely I even know why I did it. But I can't get past how people that I love, that love me, can't share something even if it's plastered on their forehead... What's the point in lying to a lie-detector? What's the point in trying to keep secrets from someone so observant. It only ends up hurting that I can't be trusted. And what are they worried about? I lay protrate on the ground before them, my soul open, and they step over me. If someone in that situation is worried about getting hurt, there has to be something wrong, I think.
It's up to you for your secrets. I have some, too. But I keep them because I don't want all of my files corrupted, or my money stolen. Why needest you fear yourself?
1/25/2005 10:20:00 AM
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