How is it...?
How is it that those around me can be so blind?
How is it that wrongs go unpunished and rights unrewarded?
How is it that strength is weakness and weakness praised?
How is it that I am come to be the last ally of light in the darkness, overlooked, forever overlooked?
I stand in the places that you fear to pass.
I lay and sleep in the constant wars, never a fear that I will wake up and take up my place again.
And yet you are afraid, you are hurt and scared, you abandone me.
Not fair, perhaps.
As strong as you are, you never expected this. But is that to say that I did?
I have nothing to yield as nothing has been yielded to me.
I commit no wrongs and pay the price of yours.
How is it that you are so blind in the face of so much truth?
How is it that people yield to you as though nothing has happened?
How is it that I can bury you alive and you not die?
Go and make your amends. You find no peace here because you've never wanted it. I'm supposed to make peace with deeds I never committed? I think not.
I can't run from my own soul, apparently, no matter what I try.
LET ME GO.
How is it that I cannot escape?
===========================================================
Damn it. I'm through with this. I have been for some time. So in the face of all of the accusations that I can't let go, that I come back to haunt, how is it that they get off chasing me around in my life?
It's so hard not feel betrayed. I'm sorry, but I'm looking at the faces of my "friends", while they hold hands with those who have wronged me the most. They all know the truth, but they act as though it's never happened. Sure, I'd love to pretend that it never happened. But I can't, never have been very good at it.
I'm sorry if this strains whatever I have left with you, you know who you are. But I have nothing to make peace with. I am not at fault, and I don't expect anyone will ever agree with me. That's just fine. I don't lose sleep over betrayal. I have no remorse for my wounds, only that I ever shared so much with the assassins of my heart and soul.
I'm pulling out of this and have done quite nicely in the last month. They can resume their being dead to me until they've figured out what it means to be alive.
Always guilt at hurting another. Flash, gone the next day whenever it comes to me. How quaint...
posted by A_Shadow at
3/29/2005 09:59:00 PM
3 Comments:
I understand that, it's as easy as knowing that the sky is blue. But after you've seen nothing but darkness for long enough, you begin to wonder what the truth really is.
I know that it's not what it feels like. But what am I supposed to take it as? We all know what happened, what the lies were (and are). So that's where I have the toughest time. Did something change that I'm not aware? There need be only two things that need be proven by those two for something to change on my end. Neither of them start with me.
It's hard to look at the last ally I had in all of this and what she's doing and not feel betrayed. I acted rather rashly by posting, because I don't really feel that way now. But I can't help but shake my head and wonder why anyone who knows the truth would want to overlook that. I know it has to be done so that she can sleep. That's fine. But I sleep fine at night. I did nothing wrong that I need to attone for. I told no lies about myself, and I don't boast of the pains that I've caused.
It's your choice, but it makes it tougher. It's the same reason that I have less to do with other graduates from Layton than I'd like. It's the whole "that's tough, but whatever" attitude. It's not tough. It's nigh unbearable at times. And I don't recomend it for anyone.
If you need to go and appologise for being the victim so that you can sleep at night, I'm sorry. I'm doing my best not to lose the few relics and friends of that life that I still have, but it's getting tougher. I simultaneously can't let go and need to.
Yesterday was hardly a good day for me. And I find it hard to cooperate with those who are at amends with those that have actively sought to attack me and cause me harm.
It's a tough line to draw, and I haven't quite drawn it yet...
3/31/2005 12:59:00 AM
I'd also like to add here that I'm really speaking to two people if you were reading anything into that poem. The negativity is only really directed at one. The shock and befuddlement is directed at the other.
If you ever need to know where you stand with me, you have my e-mail or can ask here. If you assume anything, that's on you.
As for taking offense, I never take any offense to the sharing of opinions. Something that few else ever do, and something that I don't think has ever been attributed to me.
3/31/2005 01:01:00 AM
It took some time for me to discern all that you have said. I do not ask you to agree with me, I have asked nothing of you, and I have not decieved you.
I probably shouldn't cut and paste entries out of my personal diary onto my blog as I have now for some time. I figured it wouldn't be a problem because I probably would allow either of you to read most of my journal anyway. I know what I am thinking but many times I end up having to explain, and so much goes misunderstood.
I am not sure if you read 'Her Cruising Car' which I have posted on my blog yet. It's a little abstract and I know you are not much for poetry, but I am sure that if you read it you may understand where I am coming from. It is a story about two girls who grew up together. It may give you a little insight on my caring about someone who is foolish at times. Marisha and I have shared a lot together and I know you may scoff at this now, but a few years ago had it not been for her, well, I don't know where I'd be, if anywhere at all . . .
Justin, I know what she has done, I know what he has done. It hurts and we both know that. It leaves you to question the I do not take this lightly in the least. I do not believe that what they have said was justified. The way you make it sound, is that you feel that I have come running back to her blindly screaming I'm not worthy as if I have submitted to some unholy power. Nothing of the sort. I was not the one who apologized. How could I have apologized when I have done nothing wrong? I will tell you that I was not idle in fear, that I am not afraid of solitude and I do not fear conflict. My reasoning is sound. So why did I do this? How is it that I have done this ? My standards. I wouldn't feel very different from them if I were to abandon my standards. I am very strict with myself as I expect to be able to uphold the ideals that I believe in.
If you are implying that I lack judgement, hear me out. If I had not done this, I would have been just as wrong as they were, at least in my mind. Don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting that keeping away is a poor choice, it is also right as you are still clearing the ruins. I understand needing to be away from her. I am simply saying I need to do what I feel I must. This isn't a matter of life and death. If I were to let my emotions rule me, I would be just as unruly. I will not disregard my better judgement. I saw how I have given way to anger and frustration. At times I would think visciously when ever I was reminded of either of them. However I do not choose to harbor such animosity towards anyone. If I stay angry at anyone then they truly have broken me.
Standing where I used to be forever, I would not feel that it would be right for me. That would make me a hypocrite if I could not follow the advice I have given to my siblings or my friends in the past. I would not ask of someone that which I would refuse to do myself, to offhandedly quote Roosevelt.
Justin, I have not abandoned you, I promise you that. Either way it takes strength, I understand either descision. I am not going to sway you either way. To do it your way, it would, to go as I have it would. I just want you to know that I have not left you. I am not against you and let me stress that I am not trying to urge you to make the choice which I have made. You are not as alone as you think, but the question is do you want to be alone? Just because I have chosen to aquaint myself with her does not mean I have decided she is always right and you will always be wrong, it is not that way. I will not battle with you. Though I do not understand why it would, I hope my desicion will not affect my being friends with you. I am sure that a Christian will understand the concept of forgiveness.
For the record, I made more peace with myself than I did with her. What I did was not weak, it took all my strength to do. No one can deny that.
And this is how.
3/31/2005 04:03:00 PM
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