Dead

Normally I'd go an make some kind of profound comment, or raise some quote in defense of truth and to some how justify my post, maybe add some measure of credibility, but this is a post that shouldn't need be made and one that certainly doesn't need an introduction.

A friend that I have known for five years has just died. One that I followed from a country and a world away to see if she was doing all right. One I once thought was in the hospital because of other rash behaviors. One that helped me to bond a friendship into something more. One that I would have protected with all of my heart and soul. One that I saw just this last year. One that I regret never having protected to my fullest. One that I love.

Recently she moved from her Hell Hole to somewhere closer, she moved to Oregon. New life. New love. She changed everything. She had new strength, new spirit and it seemed to me that the days of gloom were gone, that maybe now we could recapture the hope that so befitted her in high school.

Instead of sleeping now, instead of preparing for the next day, instead I weep. I cry thinking about what I might have done differently. I think of all the things that I might have done to try and save her, all of the unspoken things that may have changed the outcome of her fate. I think of all of the anger and frustration of being robbed of any of that, and I think of all of the hopelessness now that it is gone. I think of the gentle words that might have saved her or maybe simply a hug? Could that have undone this permanent catastrophe?

What is it that I could have done? What one sign of devotion or love, or simple friendship was she lacking that maybe I had the key to that would have kept her in the land of the living? I will never know. Certainly not in my own lifetime.

There are many things I'd like to say, many angers to be expressed, but there is nothing that I can do as the man that I am to fully express the love that is the root of all of that. I could not feel upset, hopeless, or any of these things without the love that I have deep in my soul. I may not be able to express it, but it is none-the-less there.

But maybe there is yet hope?

I don't know how to reach out to you. In times past I have been seen or thought to have made things worse. Sometimes I feel like some monster set upon the earth to save, but my physical abilities allow me only to harm. I have scissored hands instead of those of flesh and all I can do is cut instead of heal. There is yet time. I cannot say anything worthy of the pain that I feel when I read what is written, but it is there, and it is my hope that in this pitiful median even a hair of it is received and it is my hope that it will buy you even minutes until next time.

No. This person is not dead, they are truly lucky for that. There are numbers of our race that have not and will not ever see what she has had to endure. Something I hope that she one day finds strength in. What I write is my feelings. My thoughts when I hear her talk. I can't bear the thought of a final act of a truly broken heart, but it need not be.

Instead this foreshadowing is my plea, my call, my soul being cleansed of any doubt that I did as much as I felt that I could. I love this person. I have for years. In times when I was too much of a coward to do anything about it. Times that will always hold a secret regret. It will be no secret should that final night come. I don't know where I will finally find the help to carry on, to think of something other than that I may have done something, anything in those final moments...

What should I be doing? I am an illusion. I am a shadow. I am not real. How does an apparition save a life? A girl? A woman? A lover? A mother? A child? At the end of the day you turn off this monitor and I blink to nothingness. All that is left is the dark. How do I change a fate not written through pixels on a screen?

Her fate is not set.

Normally I think twice before posting this kind of thing, I would reach out to a most trusted friend and maybe the subject even, but what choice do I have? I am tired of being holed up in a fort somewhere, I am a man of action. We are people of action. I believe what I'm doing is all that I can. What else can be asked? What else can I do?

I feel every life that I have ever read pass. Let me fight for those that I can. I hope to save those that I can. Those that I love.