I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leaches...

It's a wonderful day. I know, the headline doesn't make it sound like it, but it's really a line from one of my more favorite Wierd Al songs. And last night like an ocean tide it came back to me with a flood of memories. Such an ironic thing when placed into context. In three celebrations of the New Year, so much has changed... And so many memories. But you should hear this song, and you too can laugh at it as much as I.

But today isn't great solely based on the fact that I remember so many good things. But today is graced with scenery that hasn't been glimpsed for nigh on three weeks. The inversion has moved higher, to an elevation of 3,000 ft., and with it the fog has lifted from most of the valley. I saw the moon and the mountains for the first time in three weeks. The sky... I can't describe the feeling. I love the fog, don't get me wrong, but the beauty of the moon and the purple mountains (look at all that majesty) is overwhelming when you've been denied it so long...

And so I hope to maintain my chipper mood. Though I'm also sporting a hyper-extended elbo and the usual, school sponsored, fatigue...

I shall be returning this weekend if I have my way of it. I have a meeting to sit in on, though I'm thinking that it would be best to pretend that I'm not even there... And I have a family to visit... Perhaps we will even celibrate football, as usual, but not really for football's sake, but for an excuse to bring friends together...

Perhaps...

Uprooted again.

It occurs to me that in relaying all of the things that happened, I forgot one of the most important. How odd... Anyways, I have found a potential appartment. I am being vague with that because I haven't signed any papers or spent any money. But I have seen it and talked to the current steward, and I think it will do nicely. I will be living with people, but with the price and the location, I find it would be hard to beat it.

I will however, have to move again, like I knew I would. I will be living within Logan's limits by next weekend, I believe. I hope and pray for it, anyways. And then I'll be able to start doing things that I've wanted to. Like sleep and not have to be on campus all day. And surf the net. It's been almost a month since I've done more than check e-mail, post, and read CNN. Fark calls out to me, which is odd since all I really get out of it is bizzare news and the PS contests...

I finally got the last of my books today. Even though I have to wait until monday to get one of my workbooks. They had to order it, but that will be the last one. It's a glorious feeling, and now, I can do the rest of my homework, lol. I think I'll be doing about the next two weeks worth of work this weekend so that I may relax until next weekend to do the same again. That way my weekdays will be free for work...

But that is all that I have for now, I believe. I feel the need to e-mail some people and let them know some things, but that'll be it.

Have a good day.

And now a word...

I guess it's time to post, after all, I said that I would. Though it is a bit later than I had intended... No matter...

What a wonderful two days. Perhaps largely due to yesterday, but there was still plenty to be happy for today. I've managed to overlook even those small things that set themselves against me, like having only five hours of sleep last night. It usually doesn't sound like much to claim how much you've slept. But I find there's a bit more impact when I tell someone that I've been away from my "home" for nearly twenty hours. Little of it wasted with idleness or boredom. That should get the attention...

Anyways, I worked my first day in at least three weeks yesterday. It wasn't the most pleasant hours, but I can't really complain because that means that in two weeks time, I'll have an inflow of money again. That will be nice. Not to say that I haven't had an inflow, but I'd like to say that having it be your own money feels a lot better. But they decided it pert to make me work starting at the near-ending of my lab class. I can't miss that class for anything, death won't hold me from it, I fear. And yet they decided to start me to working then, officially, anyways. Not a good way to start your first day, a half and hour late and unable to count. Yeah... I counted my till twice and still had it wrong. But alas, with all of the rush I had also left my graphing calculator in my lab... And as bad as that seems, it wasn't really.

I "hit it off famously" with the shift leader on duty last night. He's a great guy and he happens to hold the same opinions as I do about the District Manager. Always a plus. And I can't quite shake the wholesome feeling that I get when I'm at work. I think that my ability to brainwash myself is astounding. I know that you should love your job and all, but I'm rediculously obsessed sometimes... But it felt good, even though I got home at Midnight sore and stiff. I don't know why... But then this morning, after my first class, I managed to retrieve my precious calculator. I'm mostly worried about it because it'd be expensive to replace, and because it was my present to myself almost three birthdays ago. My mom would have scolded me or something, seeing as that she didn't want me to do it in the first place...

Anyways, I'm dreadfully tired, if you can't tell that I'm a little more wandersome today than usual. Almost done with the Belgariad, about twenty pages left. I love the books for reasons beyond me, but I do have a bit of problem with the way that they address free will... It's an interesting thing for sure, I guess.

Got to show off in Math, always a plus, but now there are people that know me without me knowing them... I always feel obligated to change that. But it was funny, out of all that I did, I added something incorrectly, but other than that I was flawless. I know, I'm humble. But it felt good to get into something like that.

Allright, I think I'm done rambling. Enjoy your evening of further silence.

Quote time.

Sorry, I had to post this before I forgot. I'll get to something a bit more pertinent in a little bit...

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." -j.handy

I stole it from someone's blog, whom obviously stole it from somewhere else. Note the liberal useage of "stole". It's quoted, so it's not really stealing, anyways... It just sounded like something I might say on one of my sharper days.

Uh, oh.

No, I haven't written that letter yet, I'll get to it tonight on my own computer.

I come to post on another topic:

Love

No, it's not going to be some preachy little diddy. No, it might not even have an emotional impact, but I think that I might be in trouble. Why is it that the short ones always fall for me? She's not altogether taller than my last interlude. She's a bit less mature, but in time that will change. She follows me around endlessly, and I follow her as well. She demands my constant attention, and I give it. Why must it be so hard? Doesn't she know that I'm going to be leaving again? I won't let her go, though. No way. I will stick with her until she's old enough to tell me to go away. I'll catch her when she falls, and she'll have me shoot imaginary dinosaurs and take carae of baby dragons. She loves me, and maybe that will be enough to bring the life back into my world.

Now, you little wierdos, I hope that you started that with a worry, and ended with confusion. That's right, it's all true, and that's really why I wrote it so ambiguously. But Marla and Ross' little girl is such a doll. She needs my constant attention, and I'm all to happy to have it. Maybe I'll learn to recognize when I'm loved. I know it, I see it, I hear it, but my heart does not FEEL it...

She's only two and a half. And I'm not the way you're worrying, despite my previous nickname. She's just a little darling, and I hope she understands when I have to move away. But I want to watch her grow up. I've noted the small people in my life and how I will see them now, and see them again later when they grow up. But I want to watch this evolution. I'm a part of it...

Look, a smile. Perhaps I'll wear that for a while...

Lies.

So it appears that my dark veil of misdirection and half-covered paths has been broken again. But alas, it was a close friend and that I'm not so worried of. But I need know the route so that I may travel that path myself...

Have you ever been confronted with a pack of lies so confounding that you're body aches with the will to rebuttle against it? Have you ever stared someone in the eye, knowing that you are right, and they will not shake from their devious lies? I read an article published in the University paper today that was just such a pack of lies and proliferates exactly the kind of things that it wishes to attack. You cannot attack a racist by calling him biggot. You cannot destroy fire with fire, and you cannot fight the truth with lies. Why don't people understand. I would go further here, but I need to craft a decent response. That will be in a later post...

But the time has come for me to return to "school". That word now carries for me a level of contemptability. I came here for higher education, for furthering my mind, body, and soul. I came here for KNOWLEDGE. They came here to "school" me. I am treated less than even in high school. What an irony that I could teach a class with such precision and care as the professor, and I took it two years ago. It is frustrating beyond reason to have waited and fought so long, just to be disappointed. And you know how I keep going? I tell myself that it will change and be what I expected... I very much hope so...

Alas, I must attend to more social matters. No, not those that have plagued me endlessly... But those that are new, and those that are of a different nature. My oldest friend, of my own age, is planning on marriage. And I would love to be overjoyed, but I am leery. I can't help but shake a feeling of misfortune. I wish her to be happy, but I don't want her to rush in, and I don't want to jepordize any friendship that I have with her. Something I've never done with her, but I don't know if I should still. How does one know the right path, and not try to share it with others? How can society be of the mind that because you know of a pitfall, doesn't make it your duty to warn them... I can't understand that. I just don't want her to be like her mother... She doesn't need the heartache that her mother is going to suffer for her second time, that she will visit upon a new generation of a broken family... I wish there was something to change it.

And yet, I need to visit a friend. One that, regrettably, I felt needed space. I fully intended, and planned out, a confrontation with that calamity a long time ago. Near the beginning of my current issues. But what are you supposed to do? No one understands an act of complete selflessness, of complete friendship. And so I did nothing. Something that I hopefully won't regret forever. Something that I still hope was a speed bump. So soon, I will confront it and take whatever retribution is due to me. It is not the right of the parent to dictate to the child. It is their duty to guide, not to tyranize. And for fear of my friend suffering undue hardships, I stayed away. Hopefully that friend will understand. And I won't suffer those stints any longer. Not in this case.

And so I quest on for what I feel is right, what my heart and soul tell me. I hope to make right the wrongs, so let me.

Gearing up to go... Again...

Here I go, ever notice how many times I have started an entry with that? I am always going. It's like climbing a mountain, and when I realize that I'm on level ground, I gear up for the next big hike.

I need to move soon, again, and I need to get my job to realize that I'm working there... But I don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm glad that I'm a more resilient creature when it comes to stresses, otherwise I would surely perish... But I don't really know how I could afford a place to stay, at least for a little while.

Such a complicated thing trying to improve yourself in all possible ways. I keep the social and physical growths at a minimum for now, but I will need to improve those soon... They won't wait much longer...

I was talked into coming down this weekend, and I wouldn't have done anything otherwise, but it just reminds me of all of the things that I can't really do anymore... And having my family miss me all this much isn't helping any. I just want to cut loose. I want to deal with everyone on my own terms now. But I am expected to do certain things because of the way they miss me. But I don't fret like they do...

This post really has no purpose, I just felt that I needed to keep the momentum moving... We had our DND game this weekend, which I told everyone that I would miss... Lol. But it was fun, and yet another relic from my past. I know I will always have a home, but I can't shake the feeling that I don't belong in either place. That I'm in between and heading somewhere else...

Well I should go say hello to my family, I'm sure my mother's eagerly awaiting me. It is not altogether unpleasant, but I am far from used to it. I am a shadow, not meant to be noticed, and no matter what I do, no matter how much light I give off. I am forgotten in time.

...

I just remembered... I came up with a quote that I like last night... Perhaps you can see the wisdom and jest in it: "Me? I just settle for being the best. You're the one that has to be perfect."

I like it, just figured I might share.

All is forgiven

But not forgotten...

It may take a little longer for the wounds and some of the bitterness to subside, but I think that I am nearly at peace again. I have forgiven those that wounded me, and done something that I had to do. Yet I still question if it conflicts with values. I know it is in direct contrast to what I have said and done for the last two months, but I have not lied. I need you to understand that I have suffered more loss and pain in two months than I would ever hope to, and I wouldn't change that now. But I do have to change how I've been handling it. And I feel that this is the best way. Perhaps this will be some kind of redeming factor, perhaps it will make me a better person, but I feel it need be done.

I still have another to speak with, but I spoke for an hour with someone whom I have outwardly hated for two months and who did the same. Who stabbed me and tore me asunder. But perhaps this will bring me peace and I can move on...

I don't know. I feel that I had to do it, but I didn't know how it would turn out. I'll be sorting that out for a while.

I know, as ambiguous as ever. Sorry to do that to you. If you need to know, you'll ask.

All is forgiven.

It may take a little longer for the wounds and some of the bitterness to subside, but I think that I am nearly at peace again. I have forgiven those that wounded me, and done something that I had to do. Yet I still question if it conflicts with values. I know it is in direct contrast to what I have said and done for the last two months, but I have not lied. I need you to understand that I have suffered more loss and pain in two months than I would ever hope to, and I wouldn't change that now. But I do have to change how I've been handling it. And I feel that this is the best way. Perhaps this will be some kind of redeming factor, perhaps it will make me a better person, but I feel it need be done.

I still have another to speak with, but I spoke for an hour with someone whom I have outwardly hated for two months and who did the same. Who stabbed me and tore me asunder. But perhaps this will bring me peace and I can move on...

I don't know. I feel that I had to do it, but I didn't know how it would turn out. I'll be sorting that out for a while.

I know, as ambiguous as ever. Sorry to do that to you. If you need to know, you'll ask.

In answer...

Yes, you know these frauds, Vermillion. Unfortunately I've had near daily dealings with them since I've gotten here. Not much seems to have changed, just smooting out some of the more hostile and misplaced notions.

They have a great deal to learn, and though she claims to have worked torwards that, I have but one example and it comes solely from her mouth. Mostly it has been further heartbreak and back-biting...

Alas, the best enemies are those that were once golden friends.

At this point it's more of a chirade (sp?) on my end. I could honestly care less, and it appears to be mostly the same on her end. She speaks of guilt, but if she doesn't believe she has committed any wrongs, what's there to be guilty of?

It's much the same as ever, I'm just trying to build a momentum for my future whilst ignoring the detrements of my past that won't leave me be.

And there it is.

The end of the first week of college erupting into a glorious three day weekend.

Or it would be if I didn't need deal with a pair of frauds that can't understand why I react the way I do.

Anyways... It's odd being home. I somehow feel that I don't belong. My bed is my bed, but I barely remember it. My computer, the same, the whole house is like returning to one of my previous abodes. It's just a memory now... I wish everything else could be "just a memory".

And such a short time. The whole of the week dragged on for decades, but I have to leave early in the afternoon tomorrow. I'm not really ready to go back. Few people know me, and fewer could come to care about me like I get down here. And then it's a tad unnerving to be told by everyone that I'm missed. I've never had that before. I walk around campus, and those around me see me and recognize me from a run-in elsewhere, but they don't know me or care for me. And that's much how it's been my life. And yet, these people have waited a week to see me. Even my dad, whom I'd expect it of, but not for him to really talk about it. But I suppose it's only natural...

So many things... It's hard trying to beat the world at something that it doesn't know that it's involved in. I've never had such real world examples. I know that some of you might not agree, but if you ever need such a pure sample of corruption, naievity and lies, these will trump all others.

In the last six months I have never been happier, and yet never known such a sorrow. I have looked forward to college all of my life, and am somehow dissapointed by it's current ease. I suppose that's what I get for letting them put me into average classes with average people. Not to say that they are below me, but they are a bit slower. Some of the things that they take down notes on, scare me. But I hope it won't always be like this. This next week will add more, and a job, and possibly upgrading the job...

Anyways. I still need to get some things off of this before I put it back in it's box.

Here it is.

Finally, a battle that's worth fighting for, or is it? A battle that I have built my life around and spent the whole of it training for. And NO ONE knows it. Not even those that are wrong can ever change. It's an interesting, and horrible thing, fighting an impossibility. To take to a challenge when you know that you are right, that you would bring such to the world that it has never seen! And you are but a shadow.

I have to deal with things in force from a horrible thing two months ago. I would NEVER wish it upon anyone. It's so hard to deal with on a daily basis that I wounder if anything will ever heal the cut. But then, using the word CUT is an understatement. It is more like having your heart ripped out, and being dicapitated, at the same time and still managing to hold yourself together with the sheer force of your will alone. It is not school that I am fighting, it never will be, it's my past now.

I wish I could publish the mails that have been sent to and fro this day. And yet that would in some how aid the enemy, I'm sure. If not even but just to bolden some thought of theirs that they are right in their cause. The beautiful thing, if such a dreadful irony can be termed so... They brought it onto themselves and shunt it onto us. Isn't the world a great place? Tell me of the people of faith, of truth, of passions and beauties and intelligence and I will listen with an unknown rapturous attention. But show me these people, let me know them, and I could never repay the debt.

Here I go...

Well I've been on here like three times now and didn't even get to the all important news.

I am a college man, now. None of this, "Oh, I'm admitted and that's it." None of this: "I'll register for classes tomorrow." No more holds, blocks, excuses, lack of funds or anything else that has kept me barred until today. IT IS DONE!

And I am at once again the most nervous and singly overjoyed that I have been, and yet nervous... I have waited all my life for this, I have schooled, prepared, learned, paid and dreamed of this moment practically for all my life. I have fought, bled, sighed, and all but died to make it come true. And at the last day, the day of decision where I HAD to know whether I was condemened to six more months of pergatory and stuper, I was liberated and thrust into something that I have dreamed of, and know nothing of. I will survive, but I couldn't tell you what will come of it.

"Here I go... Scream my lungs out..."

And yet it happens wholly unlike how I ever could have planned. For the first time in my life I will be missed. Not something as mundane as "We missed you at the movie." or something as limited. But I will be missed. People don't want me to go, and are worried they'll never see or hear from me again! What foolishness. And yet, I felt the same, and do feel the same. I haven't been so ready for tears in such a long time, so deserving and respectful. I make a new friend on the eve of my departure. Always it ends up such. Instantly bonding with someone who had been there for such a longer time, and yet whom I'm leaving as quickly as I found them.

Until I got into High School I had nevered worried about such frivilous things as to whether I would see someone again or not. I had always known this would come, had always known that people would leave me, and I would leave them. I never wanted to have anything to do with people at large, they'll serve a purpose of learning and momentary happiness, but long attachments bring frequent bouts of sadness. And I have yet to be proven wrong.

I'm convinced that my dreams and goals WILL come true. I will find what's best for me, or realize that I have always had it. I will charge head on into the unknown, perhaps a slight knot in the gut, but undaunted. I will face my challenges as always, as my adversary. Thanking them and shaking their hand as I finish wiping the walls with them and taking the knowledge with me.

My time is nigh. And I have paid much and waited long for it. I hope it is as much as I've dreamed.

Ode to the Nice Guys

This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

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The above is unchanged from where I copied it from, to share with those that need hear it. I sometimes need remind myself of why I am the way I am, of why I fight the needed fight. Though I still would like to know where the check is, the reward, that's not why I fight. Reward enough for me would be that all know that I have earned it. It isn't in the trophy that I glean my honor. It is in the battle that earned it for me. I will fight on, will you do the same?

The link that I found this work at is http://www.stwing.upenn.edu/~jenf/writing/rant04.html

I figured that it might likely vanish from there, and some of you might not wish to navigate so far from home... So now I spread it, wisdom and hope unto the world.

I don't know why I like these so much...

I want to try and get away from the juvenille antics that were found on my previous blog, mainly brought about by the audience, but I found this and liked the effort. The could have done better with the questions... But...

http://www.quizarama.com/naughty_quiz.php


The Naughty Quiz


You are 44% Naughty

"You can be a little bit naughty but its nothing you should be worried about. Everyone should be a little bit naughty every once in a while, just remember to be nice as well"

That's me, I guess I'm not very naughty, but then it wasn't very all encompassing, too bad no one really goes out for something like that. I think the best ones still are the Hartman personality tests with the colors. Nigh on a hundred questions at least... Impressive.