Save tonight...

...and fight the break of dawn.

Come tomorrow, tomorrow I'll be gone...



The hardest goodbye of all time.

Well for me anyways.

She must have shed 8 gallons of tears...

Tomorrow, a promise to keep.

Monday, Bloody Monday.

Where am I?

Wowsa, I can't believe that I almost missed this post...

Not that 9-11 was a Monday, it was a Tuesday, actually.

Do you remember that faithful day?

I know that I shant forget.

5 years and it's one of my most vivid memories of that year.

It will likely outlast the others.

Many of you may have heard the story I have told, some of you just reminisce on that fateful day.

It often comes up, and not related just to the anniversary.

What were we all doing?

Me? I was in school.

Honest to God, that was the first day that I missed the morning news in years.

Always up on the events before school.

I came in and there were already whisperings of the attacks.

Rediculous! we whispered for fear of the truth.

I knew then the ramifications of such an attack. I was a sophmore and I knew that the country would not sit and watch that, we would be at war.



Rediculous.

So much so that the class passed, dismissing the rumors.

In our arrogance, our safety, we couldn't be made to believe.

A fool.

I entered my Physics class, unknown to me that Mr. Summerhays knew all too well the news.

I smiled at him, the bright morning waking me up, and had the nerve to ask him to his sullen face 'Who died?'. I honestly don't remember saying that or not, but I did say something equally as rediculous.

At that moment, he just looked up to our little TV where I noticed, for the first and last time that year, that CNN was on it. How odd, this is Physics, not... Oh my God, those big buildings are on fire.

And here we are, reality.

We watched the aftermath of the collapsing towers.

They had fallen by the time school started, and it never really ever did start that day.

It ended when those towers fell.

Those of us with family, an entire country away, left for home to seek comfort in friends and family.

I stayed to see it with my history teacher.

I don't honestly remember anything beyond Physics. Just that the day continued and we argued for the next month about the degree of retribution we felt was needed and we could get away with.

Arguments of "let's nuke the bastards" to me on both ends of the spectrum.

The startling realizations that our world was still fragile and the surface of buildings I had never known, about a religion I had seldom heard of.

Then the changing of our world.

Simultaneously blocking the buildings' very existence from memory and record, and yet using it as the Alamo, remember 9-11. I'm sure that ordinance was delivered with that mantra.

Here we are, five years later.

Our unity is still greater than before the attacks, if not more polarised, unfortunate to see us fracture again so easily.

I have faith that we are doing as we must, no matter what the nay-sayers might bellow and sloganize to have us march to their drums. I see no alternative to what has come to pass.

We can play with fancy and ideology all we want, but the line was drawn for us. We are merely competing for survival now.

I fear a coming storm of more and more glut of war, but so does every generation believe that there's will be the last.

I doubt it.

Much the same as we thought India and Pakistan would end the world many years ago, something will give, someone will call the bluff, or it really will be the end.

I have faith.

I am a rock, I am an Island.

Or so we think.

I am hanging on, but only just.

I would have figured that the weekend got rid of my violent tendancies.

I suppose not.

I found myself very angry again. Not a good or rational thing to do.

Interesting how it seizes me like that.

Not that it was directed at anything but my mouse at the time. Do note that it didn't give me any more trouble the rest of the day.



I am looking forward to Mtn. Con for the time off as much as for the Con now.

We'll see where that leaves me.




Wow...

I just went on a whirlwind of doom through my room for the last hour between the last paragraph and this one, and I don't know what was supposed to be next.

Now I just know how much my room demands my attention.




I may yet salvage my soul yet.

Adieu.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

And I feel fine.




So here we are, I can post now after the long weekend at Aliens in the Rockies 7.

I think we lost again, but it's not about the losing so much as the knowing that we fought together, we fought honorably, and even with the Mercs usual (and less than noble) antics, we didn't get crushed.

I was part of the vanguard that covered the field end to end.

We controlled all of the flags for much of the day.

In my brilliance (and one of my favorite stories for the weekend) I didn't realize my barrel on my A5 was upside down until it was too late.

It only matters because, to aid accuracy, the barrel spins the ball to make it fly longer and truer. Anyways, I had it upside down so it had the reverse affect. It was sad because I was getting miffed at my gun not shooting as I knew it should (especially as I bought it used an this was its first weekend out), but glad to know it was a two minute fix.

After that, it was nice to be able to out shoot the Mercs that had to lob their paint.

For those that don't know, the primary teams are the United States Colonial Marines and the Weyland Yutani Mercenaries.

The concept of the scenario game is that the Weyland Mercs found a planet where there are alien eggs (for more info on the universe watch Alien and Aliens primarily, and then at least Predator, if not Predator 2 and Aliens vs. Predator). The reason they are there, is to get the gear for research, and the government dispatched the marines to stop them.

Naturally a fight ensues, and we have fun for a weekend.

No battle wounds, sadly, I got one welt from a hit in the dark that didn't break, and it's already a healing bruise.

The one hit that broke on open skin, didn't hurt, leave a welt, or anything.

Quite odd.

I do love the fact that for all of my gear being unproven and untested, it worked superbly.

Not a single issue, but I will need a different tent to camp in colder climates.

It was a good weekend, we made many new friends and hope to go out again soon as we have leftover air and paint.

Already have tweaks in mind for next year. I need a way to load my gun without putting it in the dirt.

And don't worry, Honey, I killed plenty of people in my barbarian blood sport.

Am I more than you bargained for yet?

I'll be your #1 with a bullet.

A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it.



Another one of those days.

I've decided that this weekend will be a necessity.

Let's kick some an ass.



Sugar, we're going down swinging.

This song's been stuck in my head.

So has "I'm just a girl.", but they just played this morning on the way to work is all.

So bite me.

:-D

I've become so numb.

So I haven't posted.

You've noticed.

Hurray for our side.

What's been happening?

Nothing.

Not a damned thing.

We went to the Olympics, kicked ass, took names and trophies, I met Glenn, and I don't get onto IMs anymore because there's no point.

I am completely burned out and very apathetic and it couldn't have come at a worse time.

I'm letting my momentum carry me through life right now.

Our little trip put me in a financial headlock that will keep me where I am for now if not longer, pending work paying for education.

Like that is going to happen.

I'm thinking that with the lack of an HR person, they can shove it and I'll just contact our new manager.

Asked a TL, they don't know, asked a sup, was directed to training and never got a response.

I'm tired of feeling jerked around at work.

Management has made me very reluctant to put in me 350% effort lately.

So they are going to get what I give them for now.



Except for Mike. Mike's still cool.



Just with them pre-moting someone with something like 6 months less experience than I have, whom I helped train, whilst not even interviewing me.

That's my big beef. She's good, but I know of people that I would have picked before even myself who were glossed over.

I wasn't even interviewed and I applied twice.

So what the hell is going on?

You want me to be apathetic to your cause and demands? You've got it.

I need to keep the job, but I don't need to be putting out effort that isn't going to be recognized and then is completely ignored.

The really nice part is that the effort I put in is off the radar.

Required of us by proxy, and there is no evidence for it.

Maybe I should start keeping chat logs of it.

Of the fact that I've had to remote into 2 PCs all day.

Of the fact that I have, at any given time, 4-6 password reset IMs bitching at me for not being done with theirs yet.

Yeah.

This is why I don't post anymore, that and my IM friends have hit that point where it's about time to let them die and get new ones.

Let the memories fade.

But it's not all bad, I just make it a point to express my happiness and everything publicly.

I still maintain that this is a private blog, and while you were invited, you have to pretend to know nothing.


Along those lines:

I can't be your hero, I've decided.

You've already seen too much of me.

It really was over before it started and our relationship was always on borrowed time like so many I have gained here.

In your eyes, I'm not even human anymore.

Having fallen from grace, I'm just a guy now.

A "guy".

I suppose the personality conflict was always there, but I was selfish and greedy like always.

I can do that to other people, but not with this sort of thing.

I have to be the hero.

If I'm not, then I'm like everyone else.

It's not that I have to be 'better' than everyone else.

I just need my own niche.

Without it, I am nothing. I am a shadow, and I will fail without my own identity.

It's rough indeed, and it drives me insane, but that all passes.

It's just that you've locked into the negative aspects forever I fear.

I've never been able to change a single misconception like that or else the world would be a better place.

So now I'm back where I was two month ago.

Hurray for our side.






In additional notes, the Lich game is fun, and my SWs game will be started soon.

Huzzah, a silver lining.

Post soon....?

utpoohbear said...

Just wondering if you are ever going to update again? :)
9/01/2006 09:33:48 AM




Answer:


No.