And so it ends.

Terri Schiavo passed on this morning. Admittedly I haven't followed it until recently because one of the blogs I visit was turned upside down over it. It's a rather sad thing, for sure, but I'm not sure what could have been done differently. I just found some videos of her "unresponsiveness" that give me doubts to the rulings of the courts. But that's not anything new for me. I doubted it before I had seen what I had seen.

Today's a slow and relaxing day. I don't have work for a few hours, so that lets me just veg. out for a while. Something I don't really do until super late, most of the time.

It goes up and down and around...

"Harness the good energy, block the bad. It's like a merry-go-round. It goes up and down and around."

Today was a rather good day in contrast to all of the news of yesterday. I'm mostly angry at events and circumstances, not at people. I've probably already done the damage. I don't need anyone else to be lost like that, lost from this, but I've long considered the possibility that I need to just erase everything. Good, bad, and the ugly. Gone forever. I haven't made that choice yet. I'm still struggling with the ramifications of my choices and the after shocks of theirs.

You always hear the most negative thoughts when you read this. It's hardly ever what I act off of. Like I posted in response to ForgottenPain. If you assume anything before talking to me, that's on you. I don't hold any remorse for the conclusions you may jump to.

Anyways, I met the girlfriend of one of my friends today. It was neat. Always meeting new people. At least meeting people that you can get to care about. But I guess that's my trap, my self-imposed battles... But the three of us are likely to be hanging out on Sunday. Her request. The whole thing was rather odd, and fast. Maybe I was a bit distracted and excited...

So today I made more steps towards moving on and coming out of this perpetual darkness. I asked someone out, well sort of. I just invited her to come hang out on Sunday, with friends, etc. She declined on the behalf of that one thing... It escapes me now... The Mormon thing that happens twice a year... Anyways, I know what I'm talking about and so does everyone else. It is on every channel when it happens... Anyways... It was a little more painless than I figured, as is always the case, and it wasn't an outright no. It was a prior engagements type of thing. So that's a plus.

I guess at this rate the Shadow will go back in his closet for an untold period of time. I've already been making steps and listening to advice from my past. I sound like I'm a recovering addict or trama victim. I guess it's a bit of both...

I'm sorry if I've ended friendships with anyone over my comments yesterday. But it is something I will have to define. For now it's been awkward being the friend of a friend of someone that probably wishes you didn't exist as much as you wish that you've never had to deal with all of their crap.

I still have half a mind to post the exact and long winded reason of why this is so much pain. But I'm trying to swallow all of that, and it's proving to bring a bit of indigestion. It's not so much any one thing, it's the mostly innumerable things. Mainly up on the list is the complete disregard of hope and logic. And close next to that is the year and a half of listening to people who were right, defend them against such attacks, and then have the memories of all of those statements from any and all observers be right. Hmm... Deal with that.

How is it...?

How is it that those around me can be so blind?

How is it that wrongs go unpunished and rights unrewarded?

How is it that strength is weakness and weakness praised?

How is it that I am come to be the last ally of light in the darkness, overlooked, forever overlooked?

I stand in the places that you fear to pass.

I lay and sleep in the constant wars, never a fear that I will wake up and take up my place again.

And yet you are afraid, you are hurt and scared, you abandone me.

Not fair, perhaps.

As strong as you are, you never expected this. But is that to say that I did?

I have nothing to yield as nothing has been yielded to me.

I commit no wrongs and pay the price of yours.

How is it that you are so blind in the face of so much truth?

How is it that people yield to you as though nothing has happened?

How is it that I can bury you alive and you not die?

Go and make your amends. You find no peace here because you've never wanted it. I'm supposed to make peace with deeds I never committed? I think not.

I can't run from my own soul, apparently, no matter what I try.

LET ME GO.

How is it that I cannot escape?

===========================================================

Damn it. I'm through with this. I have been for some time. So in the face of all of the accusations that I can't let go, that I come back to haunt, how is it that they get off chasing me around in my life?

It's so hard not feel betrayed. I'm sorry, but I'm looking at the faces of my "friends", while they hold hands with those who have wronged me the most. They all know the truth, but they act as though it's never happened. Sure, I'd love to pretend that it never happened. But I can't, never have been very good at it.

I'm sorry if this strains whatever I have left with you, you know who you are. But I have nothing to make peace with. I am not at fault, and I don't expect anyone will ever agree with me. That's just fine. I don't lose sleep over betrayal. I have no remorse for my wounds, only that I ever shared so much with the assassins of my heart and soul.

I'm pulling out of this and have done quite nicely in the last month. They can resume their being dead to me until they've figured out what it means to be alive.

Always guilt at hurting another. Flash, gone the next day whenever it comes to me. How quaint...

Messages.

If I'm not supposed to shoot the messenger, can I at least destroy those who wrote it?

Very not good news today. It seems that my struggles are not yet complete. I have a break for now, but the battles will rage on. There aren't many ways that I can see to end it permanently. How am I supposed to avoid someone that I will likely have to share all of my classes with? I guess I'll just have to get done first, like I had intended. I guess this is the motivation that I needed, if I needed any.

Two more years. Please let that be all. I will not hide or run for the rest of my life. I will fight and you will be the one running. I beg you not to follow.

So many things... My allies are scattered, or as broken and embattled as I am. I know I can do this by myself, but why must I? I suppose it's what I've always wanted. I never envisioned an enemy like this...

This is shit. I'm getting done with it. Cleaning up and moving on. I've beaten you into submission. I suppose you won't be content until I have exacted a physical punishment upon you as well.

You flee yourself and in doing so you end up chasing me. Fool. If you can't find comfort in yourself, you will never find it elsewhere.

"Stay on target. Stay on target."

Nothing feels better than a perfectly aimed shot.

To carry a spur of the moment plan through delivery and get exactly what the doctor ordered. This isn't simply that he came at me with a vengence and returned fire at my unmistakably good shot. It's that everyone knows about it now, and he was the first to tell them. I don't need to brag, only to explain, and that's the best thing. When you and your wingmen see that missle fly true and score a hit, all they want to know for the post-briefing is who fired what and why. Such beauty.

So as you might imagine, it went off without all of the hitches that I feared. He got my note and understood it perfectly. He even took it through to the bonus level, used it as fuel to the fire, and griped about it to those not involved today. I didn't really mean to include them, but because he complained to them about it, everyone in the store knows about it. At least everyone that I wanted to.

So I went in wearing my "No Fear" Redshirt with the active excuse that I was going to show my friend, the Trekkie Shift Leader it, because he wanted to see it. But we all know what my real motives were. So I got there and had to explain to one of the cashiers and to the assistant manager what was going on, and they loved it. And I loved that.

It was funny too, the assistant manager said that "You two boys should just go outside and box." And all I could say was "Yeah, I thought of that, the only thing is that we're not boys anymore."

I can't tell you of the overwhelming joy in that. I'm sorry, it needed to be done. I regret the necessity of my actions, but I didn't cause it. In fact I've tried to spare him an out and out fight like this or any other. I won't accept defeat, and he doesn't know any better.

So like I said, I normally don't engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man. So I didn't. I went to war and crushed the opposition in a single deft strike. But I'm not anticipating the end of it, really. I know there will be more, but I have all of the ammunition that I need now, and support.

It'll allow me to enjoy my weekend, more or less, and come back on Monday ready to go. Tomorrow's our DND game, that's a plus. Yet I have something I'd like to do and not sure how to fit it into the timeline... Frustrating thing... Maybe I should just listen to someone else this time... Maybe...

"I have you now..."

Yup, I'd just like to warn any would-be readers that the following post is rated PG-13 for foul language. :-p Enjoy, I know I did.

It's all coming to a head now. I've slowly been cooked and they've taken me from batting off bouts of frustration, ignoring their idiocy and childishness, and dealing with their pettiness to active frontal assaults and open warfare. It's time to approach this as a war. I'm starting to lose friends over it, good, decent people that are giving up. I am not about to do that, to let those bastards win. It's not what I'm going to do for you, it's what I'm going to do TO you.

If you're wondering what it is that I'm talking about, I've declared war on most of my peers at Communist Jr. Er... Carl's Jr. (working joke). Anyways, I've gotten shit for things that I'm SUPPOSED to do since I've gotten there. I've taken crap for being from Layton, I've taken crap for saying my name on drive through, and that's cool, I ignore it. But I found the loaded, smoking gun for this one, and a prime opportunity to use it. The acting manager's little brother is an asshole. There's no other way to put it, I'd give you five minutes with this guy to find out, but that would be ten minutes too long. He took it so far last not to not just ride my ass about what had to be done, as if I didn't know, but to make fun of me on an open channel with the headsets. No worries, I've gotten rid of much of my short fuse. I actually have only snapped at him once, and that was later last night when he was interupting me when I was helping our new girl. She's sweet, innocent, smart, quick and I'd like to leave her like that.

So I snapped at the ass, when he could have waited fifteen more seconds.

So the thing he's been making fun of me for? Saying my name over the drive through. Part of the company's policy with six dollar service, but try and tell that to everyone else at the store who have their heads up their proverbial asses. So today, while I was waiting for Richard, I saw my loaded gun: a training video that I had seen on six dollar service that they had shown to our novice earlier. I slapped that thing into the DVD player and watched it. Yes, boring as hell, but so worth it. I found the ammunition that I needed, wrote that punk ass a scathing letter telling him that he should watch it and learn how to do his job, and left knowing that somehow someone's going to screw it up and wanting so very badly to see his face if and when he reads it.

Active warfare. I normally don't engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man, but he so very much needs to be crushed. I still need to post my two page letter in the store. Yes, as I said, active warfare. I anticipate this can only really do two things, and either are fine with me.

As I've been telling people tonight, and as I put in my letter, we can handle this like rational, free-thinking human beings, or like schoolyard kids. I can take it either direction, and he's not going to like either of them.

I'm seriously looking into setting up a store paintball event. Night shift against day shift, just because I want to shoot some of these people... Nothing serious, but I want the satisfaction of them knowing that it was me. Mind you that I want them rubbing welts, after what's happened this week in Minnesota I don't want "shoot these people" taken to the extreme. But it's so got to end.

Take two, they're small!

It's been another great day. But it kind of makes me wonder who is suffering for it. But I suppose I know...

I was lucky enough to be home and watching the History Channel today. They did a two hour special on the Spartans from the beginning of what we know of their culture through the end of the war with Persia (the name of the final Persian defeat escapes me now... It was like Pelayate or something...) Very cool indeed, but ironic. Their society was very Nazi-esque and smacked of 1984's Big Brother, and yet it is so revered by western culture. I guess the saying is right that the victors right history and it gives edge to "Might makes right." I don't agree with it, but it's amazing how we can overlook their savage society and only see their supremacy in battle...

On top of that though, I went and saw Constantine. Did everyone else love it is much as I did? Holy cow what a good story. I just ate it up, even though I didn't like what they did with one of the Angels that we all know and love... But it was still good.

To top that off, there was a whole lot of close calls tonight that went in my favor. I think that's always a plus. After waiting for 2 hours for the theatre to open I saw that they had a cash only policy, and even though I feel like a dork for it, they let me pay in quarters... But then I came out of the movie and meandered over to the bus stop with impecible timing and they took me most of the way home. They only end with half a round of stops, and lucky for me mine is only two out from the station. It's raining, more like drizzling, but that adds a beauty to this night. Even though it's cold...

That's mostly it. Beautiful.

Dichotomy.

Get ready to hear that word at infrequent times, look it up if you don't know it. It's the root of happiness in my life at times. This is one of those times.

It's a beautiful day outside. It's amazingly hard to describe at the same time... On one side of the road it is cold enough to see my breath, and on the other it is degrees warmer and nothing is seen. On campus there is hardly any snow, it drizzles a bit and it looks like spring is saving us from our winter. Yet the sun shines brightly above us through the dark clouds and a short fifteen minute drive would put you back in the snow. It's amazing and beautiful. It's like chocalate brownies in your vanilla ice-cream. I don't know why Dichotomies are so beautiful to me, but it's amazing. Maybe that's why I'm a shadow. The neat balance of light and dark. Both are appreciated and needed to complete the whole. On the grand scale, though, it's much the same with my thoughts on life. A balance of the new and the old ideas, again a dichotomy to create a new and better system. An eternal balance that is the universe, not creating gray as an over simplification, but accepting the white as white and the black as black. Together creating something different...

Beautiful...

If you can't tell, today's being a good day so far. I woke up and was at peace. Which is all the more astounding since I had a troubled sleep last night. Songs have long been my cure-all, and I woke up with my mental radio scanning all of its channels MP3s and wave files. Then the day is beautiful... Ah... Amazing. And I don't have to work, this just keeps getting better and better.

I know, I don't want to work myself into a slump and disappointment later, but I'm eating it up. It's a great contrast to working all last week.

Worst fan ever...

Ok, I realise that I'm the most horrible and worst Star Wars fan for not doing it sooner... But I've been working, and I'm sure I could come up with other lame excuses... My offense? I JUST NOW saw the new trailer. And anyone that thinks that the up and coming movie is going to be anything other than phenomenal can just die. It's a beautiful story coming full circle and in the most cool way. This even beats the pants off the spoiler page I found.

Enough of my gabbing, I've got to watch it again.

This is from Fark, I thought we'd all need to read it. And then the irony is that it comes after me seeing and Unidentified Flying Obstacle last night to. Yes, you are a quick one, I changed the word. I was watching something flying around last night, and I'll find out tonight if it was just me walking past lights on a building or not. I know that doesn't do great bounds for my credibility, but Logan has just about 0 aircraft ever. So it wasn't something taking off from our airbase. That C-130 still bothers me though, I can't figure out where it came from... And I figure it was more likely one of those, but it disappeared in a hurry...

"How to tell if a UFO is terrestrial or extra-terrestrial. Hint No. 284: Most commercial pilots are not part-time proctologists"

A message from the past...

...A question unanswered.

There it lays in a box of old.

Filled with memories of past struggles, of past victories.

A simple message left unheaded.

A wonderful gift unrecieved.

And all the questions that come with it in its mysterious wonder:

Is goodbye forever?

Is the door still open?

Who is this message really from?

And in its answers great gifts, great peril lie.

Answers shall be found, they are too important to ignore.

Was I always this blind, this stupid?

It seems the answer would be yes.

And then the message brings with it a question as plain as day.

Do I like being alone?

I fight the company of others so fervently and then deny that I have company at all.

And there it is, always waiting, apparently always there.

A needless struggle fought.

A window shut, a door un-opened...

Is it too late?

=======================================

Well a few of you have been pestering me to pick up my writing. I know you're confused, so am I. I regret so much lately. This coming from someone who hasn't ever really regretted anything before. Now I simply wonder if it is too late to undo the mistakes... I certainly hope not.

It's as though a message in a bottle, yet the time capsule has been opened and the message read. I suppose there was purpose in that. Hopefully I'll find that purpose again.

"I have returned..."

Yes, it is I, back from the liberal and warm south of one of the great states of the union. All safe and unharmed.

It wasn't quite as was expected, but like most things it was greater in some areas and worse in others. But now it makes my spring break worth it. I didn't have to stay at home in the great white north of Utah. I had fun in the sun with people more famous than me. I met and made new friends and had a blast. It definately makes this week worth it. I was looking at half of our cashiers escaping for the week to the south, yep as far out there as St. George... Wow, sheesh how lucky... I escaped for a mere two days and that is far more than they could hope to imagine. Such a contrast. And such luck.

But we were there and simultaneously dissappointed and yet ecstatic. We didn't expect the convention to be so small, but we made enough memories and friends to make it worth it. And indeed it was. Not every day you get to chat it up with a model/actress from Terminator 3 or one of the Orion Slave girls. But at least I saved myself the embarrassment of hitting on Gene Roddenberry's son's girlfriend. That would have been funny, ironic...

But it was good. We went to our party, but none of the huge names were there. So we settled for the big names, and the friends. Don't worry, that's not dissappointment there. It was still awesome (inside joke, I suppose). We met up with the head of Save Enterprise and the cast and crew of the Star Trek New Voyages group. And of course Rod Roddenberry was there, which was always a plus.

But above that I was able to meet the Switchblade Kittens, most of them, and we chatted it up. We actually stayed at there place in L.A. and that was a blast. The whole thing was uber great. Ray and I were inducted and given names. I am Pokey Kitten and he is Thesaurus Kitten. Say the last one really slowly and you'll know how awful we were this weekend. But it was way too many memories. I'm trying to pin them down before they escape and run away. It was definately worth it and awesome.

But on a more bummer note, I went into Layton's Carl's Jr. today to catch up a little bit. Most have moved or transfered, no surprise there. But my favorite person there lost her baby. I'm not sure of the full story, but I suppose there were complications. I'm sure it's been heartbreaking and all, she was very excited. I can't wait to talk to her now, but don't know when that will be. I'm ok, I just hope she is, too...

Anyways, I now return you to your loathing of my post. I don't mean to brag, but afterall... This blog is supposed to be about my life. Just thought you'd want to share some of the memories, for some wierd reason.

I am victorious!

Oh my goodness. I can't believe I pulled it off... I was really worried there for a while, but I did it. With plenty of help, but it is done.

I'm going to be spending the weekend in L.A. at a party involving many of the people who make Enterprise possible. You know, the TV show? Holy cow. The call came in two nights ago, when I was talking to my dad, that he had been invited. So now four of us are going to be among the stars, no space suits or rocket ships required. And two wonderful people at my work are helping me to make it happen by taking my shifts. I am so greatful for that, as you could imagine. Luckily I have people that understood my plight and were a bit more forgiving with my unreasonable askings of them (their both going to have to pull double shifts, unfortunately...)

But I'm excited, soon to be broke, real broke. But that's ok. I have the food, I'll be ok until next weekend, no sweat.

We're leaving at 10PM tonight and the party's on Sunday night, I think. This is going to be cool beyond measure.

Ok, I just wanted to let you all know why I'm going to disappear off the face of the planet for the weekend. This is my spring break, I guess. Much better than a lonely weekend at home. :-p

Bwa ha ha!

I have a temporary version of Microsoft Office again! It's just the trial, I just activated it (which I thought had been done), but it's still only temporary. I don't exactly feel like buying a one-hundred and some odd software pack for just myself... But if any two of you want to go in on one with me... Hint, hint, hint. You can apparently legally register it to three computers... But I don't know anyone with a copy, so I'm looking for a copy of Office, if you just feel charitable for some reason.

But it's nice to know that I'll have it through the end of school this semester. That makes things a bit more easy. Now I just have to go to school to print, but I have a feeling that someone is still trying to rectify that. But it's cool, no rush. I'm just that much closer to complete autonomy with the addition of MS Office. It's just going to suck if I haven't bought a permanent copy when the expiration date rolls around...

Heat wave!

It's currently 47 degrees outside. Let me think back at the last time that's happened since I've been here... Never. Not once.

That brings hope that spring is near and with it so many new and good things.

Additionally, this flashlight refuses to die. You thought that the fact that it has no batteries, floats, is waterproof and can stand on either end was cool...? This thing has perpetual energy. It will NOT drain... I just want to test the duration of the charge in a scientificall fulfilling manner, but I kid you not it's gone on for 8 hours. I had it on for 5 hours after I got it yesterday, and turned it on again when I got back at 9:30... Insane... Still the best thing ever, but now it's so good that I can't get into its secrets...

I've been trying to 3-D model Xalxonai's keep for about an hour, if not way more than that, now. It is so hard. Like I did the parts in 5 minutes (at first) then had to change all of the dimensions about 300 times and then it just barely wants to fit together for no reason, hard. I'm beginning to second guess the wisdom of doing it round... Maybe I'll just cheat and draw everything square, and then round it later. I could do that. But I've got the drawbrige (which moved until I put the portcullis in), the portcullis, and the bottom floor. Such a pain in the butt... It'll be well worth it, I hope, at the end.

And my Aunt called me and we spoke for a while, which reminds me that I need to e-mail her. Have fun, I need to do my Chem lab stuff, but decided I should let you know of the pointless exploits of my life.

An interesting thing.

Well I'm back for what counts as my weekend get away. Except that they came up to see me and then we went out to Trenton to visit Marla and Ross (the folks I lived with for a month).

It's an interesting thing how soothing seeing friendly faces is. I'm sure I've made the comment before how it's nice to not have to second guess every reaction and just trust the legitimacy of what you're hearing... It's exactly what a lone warrior on the go needs. Not more oil, or a better sword, a place where he doesn't need to worry about having his sword. A place where there is no danger, where his wearied bones may simply relax. That's my ultimate end.

And it helped that it was for my birth anniversary, but to tell the truth it was just like an overblown coming home. I don't get gifts when I come home, but it was that emotionaly filling. Very nice.

"So I'm back, from outer space..."

And we went to some places around here, and found out that Logan's not nearly as sucky as I thought. Lol. But we did find practical physics and engineering rolled into the best product that I have seen in a long while. A simple flashlight. YET IT HAS NO BATTERIES. For the low price of $19.99 you can own a battery that primarily consists of a coil of wires, a strong magnet, a capaciter, switch and an LED (light emitting diode). It is water proof, floats, and is cyllindrically ballanced so that it won't tip over when at rest on either extremety. I'm going to buy several and probably give one to Mr. Lyndsey (last years physics teacher if you don't know who that is). So freakin' awesome. It needs to be in every "End of the World" kit and camping set. Ingenious. The only thing that I didn't like was the inefficiency of the light (it is clear and doesn't have the reflective piece that others have, thus as much light escapes out the sides as is emitted out the front - more or less since it's frosted), but you don't need batteries, and that was the only thing. It's still freaking bright. That was cool.

But needless to say this was the best weekend in a long time, and not just because I got stuff. I won't have the flashlight until monday sometime, then it will be absolutely the best weekend for a long, long time to come.

And I got to show off a little that I learned from physics, always a nerdy plus.

I think that's about it. The internet is working again. It broke for some reason yesterday... But it's better now.

They're no match for this fully operational battle station!

"It's a trap!"

Bwahahaha!

My private sanctuary is nearly complete. You should see the marvels that have transformed it from a littered dump into the pride and joy of this modern world. I now have a desk! You have no idea how happy that makes me. Seriously, this has to be one of the greatest, if not the greatest, present I have ever gotten. It follows a simple algorithm that you take the necessity, the want, the functionality, the coolness, the prestige, and the cost if you were to buy it yourself and you get the total fabulousness of the gift. I needed it so badly to, and it's incredibly functional, and the potential cost... It just puts this well above anything that I can remember right now. And my back rejoices with the natural sitting posture that I can maintain! Whoo Hoo!

But also my room is actually a room. I know, I'm not usually excited about cleaning a room, but I can see the floor. I know where practically everything is, and now I can basically put anything anywhere, that I'll need to. It's so convenient and nice and... Wow.

It's been a really good week for me, needless to say. The prospect of tutoring someone again, the acquiring of this cool desk by simple date on the calendar, and the fact that I'm finally starting to heal a little bit easier - mentally and physically...

I am so stoked.

And really excited for this weekend. Of course the prospect of working for 9 hours on the slowest day at the restaraunt isn't really heartening, but I think I'll manage just fine with a deck of cards in hand... I kinda feel bad about it, but there's really nothing to do for most of the day. Even the cooks find time to come out.

Oh, yeah, and I got laundry done. I so needed that, but it's just getting good today. But I'm about to go to work, so hopefully I keep up this pace. I mean right now the only thing I'm remotely worried about is my team for the class not having anything to do with each other unless it's the class. We meet Tuesdays and Thursdays and we have to turn something in as a group on Tuesday... Not very promissing with all of us being tied up until Monday at best...

Anyways, I hope you guys are having wonderful days to, and if you aren't, maybe I'll assault you with something that could only bring a smile to your face. If you're half as bad as I've been, you'll need it as much as I do.