Sundays.

I hope it's no secret that I'm not fond of Sundays.

Haven't been in years.

Not that the day itself brings a loathing, but the nights have rarely ended well.

And the days start with so much promise.

For years and years Karma has corrected itself on Sundays.

I say corrected, but I just mean that it sucks. I'm not exactly a believer in Karma these days. The negative weighs too heavily on me. I need to sort it out better...

.............................................................

So you've inspired me to write some, I guess. A silly thing, to be sure.

A story that has been written once, and changed twice.

I often find myself alone in the woods.

It's better this way.

None of the mindless to take it away from you, and no one to distract me.

I found I am often set upon by the perils here in, nothing is ever life threatening.

I have squashed spiders before, though they have left marks.

Until I found you. In peril, yes? Fighting for your life from the spiders, maybe?

Not hardly.

I saved you, you damsel in distress.

I saved you and for a time we lived happy.

For a time we had relative peace.

All of it lies though.

Skilled woodsman? Not hardly.

Fooled by the queen of spiders, is all.

At once you struck and snapped it all.

Nearly lifeless I made it out, to hide, to recouperate, not fearing the animals here-in, but unable to truly fight if my life depended on it, so I puffed myself out, and I hid behind the lies here-in.

Until I found another.

Why must you all be spiders here?

My bow, my defender of souls is all that I can carry with me.

Uncertain as she may be, she has defended mine much more than you might imagine.

Much more than I tell her.

But never a thanks.

Odd... This must be remedied.

But the point is that I should just shoot on site.

It would be better that way.

I am not immune to the bite, or immune to the poison.

As innocent as you may seem, it is always better to shoot first.

But I can't. I'm not that type, not that hunter.

And you are so innocent to behold...

Until you bite.

You have struck at me once.

And you, you always strike at me for the love to see me squirm.

One of you has nearly killed me.

I suppose I'm just waiting for the next one to finish me off.

Not quite ready to take another.

I need to make it a fight, this next time...

Into the woods... bum... bum... into the woods... bum.. bum...

Just for you.

1. If you could rid the earth of one thing, what would it be?: Ignorance.

2. What is one thing in life you feel most guilty about?: The lies I told.

3. If you could've known someone as a child that you know now who would it be?: I think it depends on what age I am. If I were me now, then, I would want to know any one of you to make my minions :-p.

4. Who is the single most charming person you have ever met?: I am. No really, think about it. Wait... Wait... There it is!

5. If you could eliminate one emotion from your life, which would it be?: Depression.

6. You suddenly find yourself at the Pearly Gates - make your case for entry: Yeah, that was all really... really... REALLY bad, but c'mon! I didn't get them ALL. Mercy, right?

7. If you could give one thing to each of your ex-lovers, what would it be?: My first thought wasn't very kosher. I would have to say... Understanding. Not of me, but of all of the things for which they have missed, never to understand.

8. If you had to confess the most evil thing youve ever done what would it be?: I've actually confessed it before. Too bad you missed it. Though it hasn't progressed beyond that, yet.

9. What is one personality trait you've tried hardest to change in yourself?: Probably my patience. I have long to travel yet.

10. What would you say is the silliest thing people do in general?: Be silly? Duh?

11. What is the most difficult goodbye you've ever said?: I shouldn't even have to mention.

12. What is the grossest thing you ever put in your mouth?:

Sour Cream?

13. Who is the biggest hypocrite you have ever met?: I'm inclined to say myself, but even I know it's a lie. I'm just the most important one in my life. Higher standards and all.

14. Decide a new punishment for convicted murderers, besides the death penalty: Yeah, death penalty is a release, not a punishment. Torture was one of my earliest learning paths, I don't remember why, but I would start with some of the more fun ones and move up. It would depend on what they did, though, I think I would find more to punish for murdering children and the like. Every death is tragic, but murdering children and so forth is a whole new level of heinous.

15. What would you say is the most beautiful word in your own language?: Spagetification? Or... Antidisestablishmentarianism (sp?). Probably definately: Supercagi... (you know the one), big words make me laugh. They're silly.

16. What was your worst case of putting your foot in your mouth?: Wow, there's a worst case? I had some doosies growing up...

17. What is the most embarrassing moment of your life?: Ha, I long ago decided that one of the above incidents was it, it makes it easy to not get embarrassed anymore.

18. If the U.S. had to sacrifice one state, which one would you give away?: I'm thinking that the thought of this question is "Which state is it that you hate?", but in speaking of actual sacrifice, one of the smaller ones. In a war where you have to lose any state, and you get to choose, I would do that. Lose Rhode Island (no offense, nothing personal) or lose the state of Confusion.

19. What is your most recurring dream?: I had this one about me as a kid, where it was Christmas. But there's one that used to attack me when I was fading out of consciousness where something was chasing me. Something lame like a blue van, or something else, but the feeling was always terrible.

20. If you had the gift of magic for one day, what would you do?: Start working on ways to keep the magic forever? That or make every healthful wish come true, maybe?

21. Out of all your friends, who do you think would be easiest to seduce: Pffft... I'll narrow this down to "kids" my own age or lower, since the others are married, heh, but in that case I would say any of them. They're friends with me, so we should already question their judgment (heh) and they're all looking for love. It's easy when that's the case.

22. If you were 6 inches tall for a day, what would you do?: Try to take over the world, what else?

23. If God were to appear to you in any form, how would you want him to appear?: Just as he is.

24. If you could forget one thing, what would it be?: To forget what I wanted to forgot?

25. Would you ever want to date yourself as a member of the opposite sex?: I honestly can say this question doesn't come up a whole bunch, but I think I might. I'd have to get over the smell and that I'm an ass, first :-p.

26. Would you ever have your spouse followed to find out if they were cheating?: No following, my network would find out. Hell, I wouldn't even have to tell someone to do something or ask about it. I'm sure it'd come out through the grape vine, or be obvious, I mean, really.

27. Did you ever have an imaginary friend? How would you describe them?: I'm sure, memory says yes anyways. I can't remember though.

28. If God were to grant you one favor, what would you ask?: That my ideals come true. You might think that arrogant, but ideally, it wouldn't matter anyways.

29. If you could invent one new home appliance, what would it do?: Everything, fold up under the bed, self cleaning in a rainstorm and cost NOTHING. Just add water. Part of that is an inside joke, all of it is true, lol.

30. What is one occassion that you were unjustly angry?: All of the times that it never mattered and we won't remember.

My head asplode...

I can't do it, man... My head asplode.

I'm just a little bit too tired, and there's just a little too much depth flying around...

First I am found out by someone I thought was different. I don't mean that in a negative to say the least, but my social life is complicated. I keep it segregated for ease. Work (replacing school), online, and life, pretty much. It's so awesome to find someone that will branch out a little bit. It's a real luxury, actually.

He's a good guy, and I find that I've gotten more fond of him (lol, how could I make that sound more wierd...?)

Then comes the post-show wierdness.

Keep in mind that I'm already physically and mentally wearied from the long day...

So I meet one of my friends co-workers online and we seem to hit it off well enough. We're all going to watch a movie now, in theory. Which is sweet, we all know how lame I am and need to get out more...

And then there's something else.

I just want to allude to it for now. Allude to its power. So much meaning, so much power there-in.

I don't want to cheapen it in the slightest, merely record its presence here for the future. That with whom I shared it with will feel it all to well.


I do so dreadfully hate to be a point of contention. In the end you need to do what is important to you. I know that I'm preaching to the choir.

Just remember, that despite if I agree with your descisions in everything, we will be friends for some time to come and I will support you the best I can while we hold on.

Know that much at least.

Ali, I didn't know you wrote such things.

If this really is yours, it would be an odd coincedence indeed:

A SHADOW
by: Alicia

A shadow is all I am.

I stand back and watch what once was,

And what will be.

I know what's to come.

But I've been pushed to the shadows.

My shadow casts among others causing hurt and pain.

When it is meaningless to me.

My actions unknown.

I'm blinded from the world around me.

I'm strung to the darkness.

I'm shielded from the light.

The night consumes me,

To become the child of the night.

I've never seen the light that brings happiness and joy.

Only the devil's work,

Of blood shed and sorrow.

So there you are...

I see it now, thank you very much, Sir, for showing me the error of my ways.

What a foolish person I am.

I have been entirely too careless.

This haven is breached.

I don't wish to change because you know it, that's not the issue, the issue is that I am found out now. The people that I don't want to see me have only to look, that's just a tad more careless then I want to be.

I find that irritating.

It's all a game, really. Who reads it is not the issue, but when I don't want to be seen, I pride myself on being invisible. Those that I'm not hiding from (willfully) have been known to find me. You are among them now, prized in the sense that you sought this out for one reason or another.

But that level of carelessness cannot be forgiven.

I suppose the reality is that it's not directly my fault, yet it is by second hand.

I can't control the actions of others, directly, but I can alter and correct them.

I am out in the world now.

The world knows my name.

This is a scary thought indeed.

It opens up many realities and possibilities.

And yes, you're right, you can Google it and find out.

Such a shame, actually. I have grown to love this place.

Wowsa.

I got this from my brother. Proof enough for me that Chemistry students are good for something:

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor
shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's
look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most
of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates
as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night,
then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory
is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not
accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only
Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which
explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

WTF...?

You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not shout, I'm tellin' you why...:

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Saddam Hussein is coming to town.

Does this make much sense to anyone else?


And last but not least, the thing that almost made me snort Tea out my nose:

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Just what I needed.

How odd that the thing below should have been my last post.

How un-shadow like. Or maybe quite the opposite..?

Hmm...

Well I got just what I needed, but it's odd as it is like so many things that are odd with me.

I got the burst of life that I so desperately needed.

Did things go perfectly? Definately not?

But I was free. There really wasn't a care in the world for most of the weekend.

Sorry folks, but had the world fallen apart, it would have been tragic, but me and mine would have survived it or died obliviously.

It's always good to let go so completely.

I even let some of my more strict mannerisms slip a bit.

It was fun.

Though it gives me a renewed respect for Utah in at least one regard - I cherish the clean air act.

What genius!

The beautiful weekend was augmented by the physical beauty of the Earth, not to mention the plentiful eye candy that was as nerdy as I am. But that's only good for looking, looking at paintings is about as fulfilling because I would only get that much out of them.

The great weekend of freedom was augmented by getting some of my toys yesterday and by getting promoted today.

It's my first actual promotion, I realised. While in all technicality, I was "promoted" to a better job when I left Carl's Jr. That's not hard to do. Moving up inside of a company, especially this one it seems, is the real challenge. It has me wanting to get in with my TL and Mike and say "Alright, that wasn't so bad, so what's next?" I would love to be a Team Lead myself. But I fear that by that time, I will be in Logan again, making half as much at best, and worrying about other things.

Other things, such an interesting thing when you meet people from fantasy.

When you meet the old man that is wiser than he looks and seems somehow transcendant.

It was odd, to say the least. Think about it. How many times have you heard a 65+ year old retired trucker talk about the subconscious and its power? Me? Never.

It was something really. He was firm, he was logical, and he was full of faith. To see someone like that have the wisdom you might find in ancient Greece, or in some modern philosophy, coming out of a Trucker. No offense to those of you that are, really, it just doesn't fit the stereotype to be sure. I suppose that one of you has already broken that in my mind anyways.

Well it's been quite fun to say the least.

I have only one fear now.

That my inner fire might be dulled to what it was pre-weekend. I don't want to go back to the hum drum of what it was before. I want to embrace it.

I need to lose the pudge, afterall. It's starting to be a bother.

30+

59 Things a Man Should Never Do Past 30
Plus, Things A Man Should Never Do Past The Age of One
Illustration by Dan Santat
advertisement


1. Coin his own nickname.

2. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro.

3. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.

4. Hacky sack.

5. Name his penis his name plus junior.

6. Hang art with tape.

7. Hang The Scream, unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.

8. Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"

9. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?"

10. Skip.

11. Take a camera to a nude beach.

12. Let his father do his taxes.

13. Tap on the glass.

14. Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?"

15. Use the word collated on his resume.

16. Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.

17. Name pets after Middle Earth characters.

18. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.

19. Give shout-outs.

20. Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as "the 411" for information, or "the 313" for Detroit.

21. Hug amusement-park characters.

22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.

23. Wake up to a "morning zoo."

24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant."

25. Request extra sprinkles.

26. Air drum.

27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.

28. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.

29. Volunteer to be a magician's assistant.

30. Sleep on a bare mattress.

31. End a conversation with "later skater."

32. Hold his lighter up at a concert.

33. Publicly greet friends by shouting, "What's up, you whore?"

34. Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.

35. Propose via stadium Jumbotron.

36. Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.

37. Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.

38. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."

39. Whine.

40. Mist up during Aerosmith's "Dream On."

41. Purchase fireworks.

42. Google the word vagina.

43. Ride a pony.

44. Sport an ironic mustache.

45. Hit 13 against a 6.

46. Organize a party bus.

47. Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash.

48. Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, "Wish you were here" on it.

49. Keg stands.

50. Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.

51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.

52. Put less than ten dollars' worth of gas in the tank.

53. Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.

54. Read The Fountainhead.

55. Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium.

56. Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins."

57. Own a vanity plate.

58. Whippits.

59. Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, "Peace out."

Things A Man Should Never Do Past The Age of One

By Jasper Jacobs, age 17 months

Get circumcised.

Spend more than ten minutes looking at a checkerboard pattern (exception: peyote users).

Look longingly at his mother's breasts.

Urinate in his mouth.

Be terrified of Mr. Noodle on Elmo's World.

Cry at the sight of a wooden spoon.

Eat pureed Wheat Thins.

Suck on the corner of a laptop.

Go willingly into the arms of strangers.

Lose neck control.

Have a favorite Higglytown Hero.

"Make nice."

Wear a unitard.

Read The Fountainhead.

Find these and many more immature taboos in Esquire's Things a Man Should Never Do Past 30 (Hearst Books, $10), available now. Buy it, use it, give it to a hopeless friend.

There you are.

I'm going to shut up now.

The irony is a post of words that mean and say nothing.

You'll read this and note that irony when you're through.

You'll do this because I need to post, litterally, what I have been. And that is nothing.

There is nothing here, this is not the Shadow you're looking for. He's not around.

You don't even know the shadow that you're seeing then, nor now.

How could you know what you were looking for?

It's cool, it's dandy. I've gotten used to the double-speak and double-standards. It's what makes the world go 'round. "It's America's past time!"

So that's cool, I'll sit here and keep to myself now.

When I speak up, I get myself into trouble. When I step up, I end up fumbling. I'm not sure it's worth it just now.

I'm gambling big on small payoffs, and I think that's what's getting to me. Put in waaay more then is even potential to get out, even if I scored the jackpot.

That's why I am like this, I think.

I got into a lot of these personal projects thinking that I was going to make something of it. I was going to get something out of it. I don't mean to make it sound greedy, I'm not looking for something in particular such as love or money, but I would like to see a victory, however small.

Thus far, I've started a great deal lower on the victory scale than I started.

Some stalemates are now losses and for all I know will end up total losses.

It's rather irritating.

You want to know why I am like I am now? Because all I have fuled my future on for four years is "It'll get better some day."

Warriors need a boost in morale. Warriors need victories, however minor.

I can only assume that my victories, when they happen, will be glorious. If they happen.

Those of you that know my 'warpath' need not surrender, need not ease up. You need fight harder. I will not gain anything in a cheap victory and I will hardly be as blind as to accept something so plainly given.

When you worry about me and my wellbeing, we both lose.

Just say no.

Something that I might learn some day, probably a curse of this good ol' bleeding heart, right?

Ironic. That's what got me into much of this mess years ago. It's what keeps me holding out now.

It's me being sarcastic and cynical, lighten up.

My dark side has a sick humor to it, too, you know.

This is not the post you are looking for, pay no attention to that man behind the veil.

For those of you that offer your loyalty, however silently, veiled or whispered, I thank you. And while you might not realize this goes out to you, cherish it and realize that you are much to do about why I am still fighting this to the end. Why it will be them or me.

It will be them, have no fear in that. I'm just a bit too stubborn to completely give up.

Y'know...? This post said a lot more nothing than I had intended.

Remember your Taoism.

I cherish you, though I don't say it/express it enough.

I hope you won't be angry with me forever.

For Vermillion and the rest who need it:

All you've ever given me.

I'm sorry we couldn't continue this more or less live, but I wanted to point out some things:

You've given me a grave insult that only 2 people have ever done. You are one of those two.

If you are going to convince me of something, have it sitting on the ground. Widower attacks will never work on me.

I can only go off of what you have ever given me, so if you believe that I misjudged you, then the only person that can be to blame for that is you.

I have never read anything into what you said that was directed about any of these subjects. There was never anything that needed to be read, it was all laid out.

If you ever even pretended to respect me as you claim you do everyone, then you would have at least respected my dissenting view as what it was, instead of instantly labeling me a bigot with society.

Once you feel that you can continue the discussion without implying that I am naive, close minded, or a bigot, then we will continue to talk about such things. I didn't set out anywhere there to change your mind. I didn't set out anywhere there and call you unclean, or imply that I felt that you were going to hell for any of your ideas.

I did not throw any stones at you.

So stop pretending you're a martyr and stop pretending you're being persecutted because I don't agree with you.

You want to pretend that no body loves you? Great, join everyone else. Be original for once. No one ever feels loved at your age, you're always going to be insecure and unsure about it.

Realize that and you'll be three steps a head of your peers.

If you want me to believe that you have unbiased evidence, you're going to have to lay groundwork and somehow let me know that you haven't twisted it to what you want to hear. You've done it before, admitted to it, and you didn't find anything wrong with it, so excuse me for being skeptical that now should be any different.

And finally, no, I wasn't logging off to avoid you, if that ever entered your mind, as it has in the past, Zeus is an Asshole and didn't want the two of us chatting.

He can't stop me here in my domain. I won't let him.

Oh, Canada!

We invade thee at midnight, at the flagpole no moms!





And I see that Apple is becoming the dark side of the force. All of that UNLIMITED POWER! is going to their heads...

I can't believe you're making me do this.

Bah.

So does this mean I can demand a recipricol of you now? That I can demand explanations as to the workings of your mind?

Or is it that we just assume that I have no idea what I'm talking about and will say anything to be 'cool' or something else so that I can be viewed.

Why am I A_Shadow? Why do I call myself that? You find me a better fit.

Let's start with the small reasons, maybe you will find you can wrap your head around the larger reasons later. Appearing in no definate order:

Small reason 1:

It's all in perception. It's all in how the world views you. Take me into an empty room, what am I? I'm 6' + and nothing. There's nothing there, only what the two of us take there. It's even more so for a complete stranger.

I am the most recognizable Shadow in the world. I am this because I manipulate perceptions, since the word 'manipulate' is often taken in the negative, let me further explain: I am as prominent as I want to be. I can lead armies without them having known my name. I have made friends and had great fun with people that will never know who I am. You can look forward to running into me 30 times a day and have no idea why, or how, or who. I shape that, I use that. It's a fact of my life that though I am large, though I am outspoken, I have retained the ability to 'sneak' about if you aren't paying attention.

Small reason # 2:

It's a pun. You can't not dig the pun. I'm a shadow, A_Shadow. C'mon people. What's wrong with how cool that is?

Small reason # 3:

My relationships exist in the shadows. Not to say that they are shadow, but they are certainly borderline illusory. I have known and loved people that I've never met, and they have loved me back. I will probably never get the chance to meet them. Hell, some of you here I will never get the chance to actually meet. Sometimes this is a burden, as seen by a few of you, most of the time it is a tragic statement, that if you turn off your computer and walk away, I am gone.

There is no power there, I am an illusion in your mind. You can choose to believe me, to listen to me, to argue with me if you want, because all you have to do is turn off your computer and walk away. There is no life there, there is no power, no warmth as one of you would say. Thus, I am a shadow, with only the power which your imagination gives me.

Small reason # 4:

This one more or less ties into my ability to manipulate perception, but when I want to be, I can be where I want to be and there are few of you that would notice. I know it comes up at work all of the time. I am right behind you, waiting for a time to interject my needed comment long before you realize that I'm there. Quite often, I'm bumped into while you are walking away without realizing I'm even there. I'm not the sneakiest, the most silent, but I'm certainly sneaky enough to the point that most of you don't realize I'm around unless I want you to. Thus, Shadow.


Small reason # 5:

This is mostly a perk by opperating with the moniker, but it's a readily available username. Don't try and steal it or I'll hurt you. It's identifiable and 90% unique, which is that I mean to say that 90% of the time that you see A_Shadow, and 100% of the time that you see 7h3Shadow that I'm aware of, it's me. Think of that when you're out there on the internets. My name is prominent there. I'm able to pick it up from all but GMail and Xanga that I'm aware of, and then some sites don't allow for the use of underscores.

Small reason # 6:

The reason why I came up with it in the first place, was during a LAN party of all places. We were out at IHOP messing around at midnight during a break, and I got the idea that, wouldn't it be funny that if we changed our names, when we did something, it would look awesome. For instance, we were playing Ghost Recon (oh, noes Porter, another FPS situation) and it always says " 'Your character name' has eliminated a 'such and such' soldier". Shush, such and such soldiers are everywhere.

I originally had the name set to "A_Deer", because it's hella funny in my mind that a Deer should come out of the woods to eat a soldier, beware of the mighty Deer!

Once someone was on to it and sniped my name (thanks, Squirt), I had to change it. A_Shadow was my second choice, and it was perfect. I am a shadow, I come out of the wood work to do what needs to be done. I will eat you and leave before you realize what happened and all you'll have left to know it was me is to watch me run over the image of your avatar.

Shadows coming alive and eating bad guys, that's me.





For the most part, the name is harmless, it is used as a teasing comment to the world. It is to tease you, it is a pun, it is a wonderful nick name that I have given myself and is every bit as unique as I am. It gives me what any alias does, anonymity. I have friends that respect the name, now. I have those of you that don't get it and thus won't, but these are reasons for why I use it the way I do, I have been.

There are more, chief reasons, but you'll have to approach me individually on those, when you're brave enough, and find me private somewhere.

I don't feel like posting this one for the world to see. Because I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

And now you know more than I have said in one sitting in a while. There is more to know and there always will be.

A clarification.

It seems that some of you might not realize or remember why this is here.

It seems that some of you might not realize or remember exactly how I opperate.

I can't fault you for that, I mean, who really cares how I opperate, anyways?

First of all, this blog isn't actually here for you to read, especially not if you find anything here-in as repulsive or overly painful to read.

This blog is a mirror, of sorts. It is a reflection on you, it is a reflection on me, but not of the light, it reflects your soul, it reflects your darkness that lurks there-in.

Don't take my statement as meaning that you shouldn't read here, I definately appreciate the comments because it sharpens the image, sharpens the reflections and the ideas garnered from posting here, but allow me to remind you my motto when you read anything here:

You only take from this what you want.

If you take from it negativity, that is on you.

If you take from it hope and a higher meaning, that is on you.

This is a mirror, not a being, there is no life here, only death. Only an inanimate object.

There is a reason why I write the way I do, and in truth, there are many reason of why I write how I do.

The bottom line, plausible deniability. I can protect you from what other's might think if they read something here. That sort of thing. Not that you necessarily need protection, but perhaps I need some from you, as well.

I suppose the second part of this is how I operate.

The key point to remember in this is that I have only ever held what would equate to a grudge against two people, ever.

There is no one that I stay angry with, my emotions and thoughts shift with every new event and addition to my life.

It is always fluid. There will be times where I am unhappy with you or something that you do. I certainly know there are times where the reciprocal is true, so don't say that there aren't and then try to hold my own opinions and thoughts against me.

If I am upset or angry, it will pass. Usually as quickly as I have said it and realized it.

And, for the record, the two that I have a "grudge" with only remain that way because they have never given me a reason not to. New information sheds new light, so if you think I have been unfair with my analysis of you, talk to me about it, I'm not a man of stone, you know.

Even if I want to be.

As an explanation, the last post was directed at myself. That's why I am overly hard there, that's why the attitude and the language. Because that's the only way I'll listen to myself.

And, also, the "asshole" line, was supposed to be read as John Constantine. If you haven't seen Constantine, you should, then you'll understand.

Anyways. It seems that the last two posts had a more or less negative reaction.

Good.

They aren't supposed to make you want to be the subject. That would be a bad thing in my eyes.

I just need to get myself back into my modus operandi (I'm not going to spell check that, so sue me). I need to get back on track and get back where I am supposed to be.

I really have been a shadow of myself. Many of you might not have realized it. I'm a shadow in the sense that on the outside, the shell, looks just as much as it ever did for the most part, inside, I have been robbed of a lot of things there. Any substantial pressures and you might have seen an implosion :-p. That's never a good thing.

I'm reclaiming that territory, I hope. It's mine, my shadow was just renting it.

It's a long story, and there is a play by play, but no one really wants to hear that, now, do they? It's all very complicated, let's just say that your Shadow's future is safe with me.

Idiot.

No, that's pretty much the only thing there anymore.

You gave up on being a lot of things a long time ago.

Maybe you've forgotten who you are, chump.

Maybe you've never known.

I mean, look at you, chasing every piece of tail that runs through your head during the day.

As if they are really going to roll over and play for you.

But you don't know that, so you keep chasing, you keep hoping.

Patience, right? If you only have patience you'll catch them. And you only chase those that run.

Idiot.

I think that you need to re-evaluate who you are, asshole.

That's all there is to it. Soldier up. Get back on track.

Start straightening up and stop letting people lead you around like you're an idiot.

It's time to return now. It's time to get back on track and be where you need to be.

Why are you still there?? Move it soldier!

Quite right.

I don't understand it anymore then you do, but that's the point, right?

You don't understand you because it's easier that way. You don't have to pretend that you want or need anything, you don't have to pretend that you care, you don't actually have to do anything but live.

And that last one is only because it's the socially acceptable thing to do.

You don't even get you, and why? Because you don't care.

You don't stop to analyze what it really is that you're doing with your life or to yourself. If you did, you'd have some sort of self-implosion that would necessitate a lot of work.

And we can't have work, can we? That wouldn't leave any time for cookies or dancing, would it? We can't have that.

You grudgingly leapt from a fire not really wanting to, but knowing it was the "right" thing to do.

And where did you land? The oven. You pretty much landed on the ground, said "WTF is all this nonesense?" and walked right into the oven, pre-set to bake, and closed the door down on yourself again.

And where does that leave us, now?

You do it because you say it's fun. Well call me cynical, but what you and I think is fun is two different things.

I'm all about freedom of choice, the sense that you can choose for yourself, Hell, at this point of the game, if I didn't give you that much I wouldn't be operating under my belief system that even you get a choice in the matter.

Maybe that's a mistake.

All I can do with you is shake my head in bewilderment.

There is no reason there.

There is no why for you.

You just are.

And you just are walking into an operating oven and if that weren't enough, you're baning your head on the wall over and over and over again.

I'm all about letting you do that.

I can tell you it ain't the brightest thing in the world. Hell, it's even been shown to you, but the problem is that the heat and slamning your head repeatedly against the wall is kinda loosening a few wires.

I don't think you like who you really are, and that's why you do it. That or you don't have the will to be who you want to/hope to be, and that's why you do it.

Regardless, I can't help you. Never could. Only you can do that. And as you're a little reluctant to do so, I don't find a great deal of pleasure in watching a being torture itself.

It's kinda disgusting.

Walking away only helps me. But if you've locked to oven and insist that's where you're supposed to be, then fine. I can't open it, only you can.

I'm supposed to have patience. I'm supposed to be wise. I'm supposed to be a lot of things, but one thing I'm not, is capable of watching people that I love be complete idiots.

I'm not allowed to say anything about it? In all honesty, Fuck You. I'll say what I want, when I want.

It just so happens that I find the only person that you associate with that's worth a damn is the only one that you're not allowed to associate with.

Isn't there some parable about locking yourself in with the wolves?

If not, there is now, and you're the poster child.

You're so affraid of me, for whatever reason, that you'd rather be locked up with the demons that you're trying to protect yourself from.

Wake up and smell the doublespeak there big brother.

You're running around preaching something that you're not even worthy to be in the same room of.

I'm not either. But again I don't go running out to other people's houses trying to teach them how much I believe it and whatnot either.

I don't see how you can do it.

You're so wound up on doing what's socially demanded in this state.

Yeah, I love yah, yeah I'd love to see everything turn out ok and I'd love to be the one that does it. But I'm not and never will be that person.

I'm the guy that sets the stage for someone else.

Why do you think I call myself A_Shadow and love the rangers of LOTR? Because that's me.

Gondor fights in the South and gets the fame and the glory, but the real battles, the real heros are found in the North. They're the ones that never get the girl, never get the credit, and get just as much of the bleeding and the dying as anyone else. They're the guys that fight for the guys in the south without anyone in the world knowing it.

All I do is set the stage for someone else to take the glory. In my own little way, I share in that, don't I? Not really. As much as I know who did what, where, when and why, that doesn't really seem all that great to me anymore.

Why should I set the stage to watch you piss on my work? Why should I set the stage to watch someone, the wrong someone as far as I'm concerned, take the credit and the glory?

Because it's right. It's all there is. Just because you are also wrong, doesn't mean that I am right.

I'm just tired of it is all.

It's difficult. I've lost the allies that I so desperately need(ed).

This is why I need to stop wussing out. I need to steel myself again.

There's a reason why soldiers don't dance. Aside from the commonly occuring debilitating wounds.

I'm just a little frustrated with you.

But don't worry, just keep smiling and pounding your pretty little face into that wall.

It makes an interesting picture when the blood comes pouring down your face because you don't know what's good and when to stop.

8:42 PM

Dude, forget my earlier post, it's all done now. It could be snowing for the rest of my life for all I care right now.

I'm one of someone's cool internet people.

It might not seem like anything to any of you people, but to impact someone like that feels good.

At 8:42PM, my ass crack of a day brought a smile to my face.

That's an awesome message of hope on top of everything else. It just proves that no matter how long/deep the darkness, the right thing, the perfect thing, will bring you right out of it, with a smile on your face.

I really can't add anything more then that.

That was too cool.

A gift that I might not be worthy of, but I will treasure it for always.

And if you're reading this, kiddo, I plan on following up on some more of those things that I said. I just need to get off my duff, lol.

No, no, he's got a point.

Y'know... I was going to add something, but today's not a great day either. Sprinter sucks.

Me and my pal are going to have a chat about this in a few years. Wonder what the hell he was thinking...

Anyways, yesterday was pretty damned good. I managed to get my SWs guys in finally.

A whole mess of the guys from A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi.

It's pretty cool stuff, though I like the newer guys better, I've decided.

The oldies are cool, but the new stat cards and abilities are a lot nicer.

Though I did get two of the three guys I was after. I got Boba Fett (my hero) and R2D2 which is cool because, hey it's R2D2 and about half of the scenario missions call for him to be used it seems.

I got a mess of bounty hunters, too. Just about every one that you see Darth Vader talking to in ESB, I think I'm only missing Dengar and one other one, really. Off the top of my head anyways.

I ended up getting General Veers which is a kick in the pants, too.

All in all it was a good run. No duplicate rares which was a concern. So far that's only happened once.

Now I have a force more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

I'll have to see about going to Ebon Root to bean Brandon on the head. Butt hugger hasn't e-mailed me back.

In other SWs related news, it looks like there is a good chance of me running our next RPG game. I have 2 votes out of six so far, and they're the only two that have said anything public so far, so that's good.

Anyways...

SOL

I think it's about time for my quarterly "What the hell is the world coming to??" post.

About that time indeed.

So many cliches run amok in my mind. Nothing can be simple anymore.

I have a double curse of having it in my mind how the world should work and being extremely paranoid.

Well, paranoid is how you see it, but the only reason they haven't gotten me yet IS because I'm paranoid and guarded.

And thus it brings me to why you are here.

I'm getting a bit more paranoid now.

While, on the surface, I seem like I'm fine, and your comment should have seemed benign, I feel that I know better.

You are rarely quite so short with me, and your tone gave away that something else lurked therein.

You weren't alone, you at least made that much plain before you abandoned me, but you haven't followed up on your statement, either.

I have half a mind to get to you first, before you have a chance to settle into it, to get the story straight, but perhaps I won't. I wouldn't want you to claim foul, to state that it wasn't fair, that you weren't ready.

It's not fair for me to cast doubts on our few years of knowing each other so quickly, but it was so very out of character.

It's not fair for me to not find out from you first, but I have made that mistake before. I have done it, and it has tainted my everything.

Anyways...

Gloomy, I think it's because I'm tired...

I made my first 911 call today. If you didn't hear about it yet, there was a massive pile up on I-15 this morning. A couple of porta-potties were laying in the fast lane, in the dark and unlit portion of the freeway, which caused a rather large pile up.

We didn't even really see the porta potties until we had gone past them, really. I caught a truck almost slam into the median trying to avoid them. Carl had me call 911 and the lady was all calm and cheery saying that they had already dispatched someone.

I think the thing is that the police were probably showing up to witness that accident.

That if they had been a bit quicker, maybe it wouldn't have happened?

I've never really figured out how they would remove something like that anyways.

But it was horrifying to find out that we were right there. Hell, it could have been us.

And I thought it as we were passing, too. There really couldn't be a worse place for two porta-potties.

There's no lighting and they fell into the fast and carpool lanes.

I'm sure it was quite the mess.