You and I are about to have a relationship.

Back in the day I did a lot of thinking about relationships. There was a long time where it was less important than what marriage meant to me, and now we're back to not really understanding relationships. At least it's different now, meaning the rules have changed and not just that I've regressed. Things are different in new ways.

That's too much of a side track though.

I used to simply graph relationships in a few main ways:

20% of people like you, 20% of people dislike you and 60% of people don't care either way. Naturally the numbers are different on a world scale, but this is meant for the people in your local area. I work with 500 people at our site. I'm probably not a normal indicator, but I'd like to say that I know about half of them at least and some of them like me, some of them dislike me and many of them try as I might hardly even know me.

Then there was the more advanced break down. 5% love you, 15% like you (friends), 60% don't really know you (indifferent), 15% dislike you, and 5% hate you.

Easy enough, eh?

It's the prospect that the world is balanced (which it isn't always, though a system usually is more balanced than an interval in time) and that generally you have a couple of people that can't stand you no matter what and a couple of people who love you unconditionally. I can't think of anyone who hates me at the moment, but that doesn't mean that they're not out there.

Now we get into the new complex that is playing by largely different and irritating rules. These days there's the group that likes you that you like back, the group that you like that doesn't like you and the group that likes you that you don't want anything to do with.

It's a really hard place to be the chaser and not the chased, but it's rough being the chased and having no interest as well.

Not that I'm entirely speaking from any experience, but I have done a lot of pointless chasing recently which is I guess why it's on my mind. It's funny because I think people are afraid of me somehow. Really? I'm fun, or annoying, that's the flavors you get. I'm not a stalker, not a creep, and if I'm annoying it's A) you don't think I'm funny, or B) I've taken it to far (would I do that?).

So I don't understand why we can't just have fun. I don't want in your pants, that's up to you and a much later conversation to be had (somewhat presumptuous on your part, not that you're wrong with most men most of the time).

It's something that's been an odd state to be in, it's been a while and having to run while being chased isn't something I like. Things are entirely too complicated at time. Speaking of presumptuous so is most of this post. I think it dies here, I think I've gotten the bugs out of my brain now.

Life.

I shouldn't do this. Shouldn't get bogged down in the meaning, shouldn't ask depressing questions that can't be answered. What is good in life?

Is it your collection of stuff? The amount of sexual partners you have? The fewest indiscretions? The most values or virtues? The amount of money in the bank? The size of your house? Your car? Your memories? The people you've touched? Is it that you'll be remembered for centuries, or that you were overlooked? Did you die in the street? Did you die a nameless, penny-less drunk?

What we have to do and what we want to do are many times different things. I've committed myself to another $100 for the next several years. Things will be tight for at least the next 6 months, which means that I'll be stuck here for the most part in all likely hood instead of doing things that would make me have fun. Fun? What is fun? Fun is the thing that keeps you distracted until you die from it.

How many toys do I have? How many characters generated? How many trinkets and gizmos. Is this good in life? How many thousands of dollars wasted? How many hours? I suppose it was fun at the time, but why do I look back at it and think what a waste it's been.

My entire life I've been setting goals. Not always achieving them, or not always seeming to, but now many of them are coming together. I have a car, almost completely my own. I have a house that will be all mine. I have a job. Then the one thing that I never thought I'd care about is the one thing that I think would make me the happiest right now. A person to share it all with. A queen for my kingdom. Odd to say it, probably more odd for half of you to read it, but with my entire life longing to be away from people, I finally got far enough out to see their worth. I don't want to be knee deep in most people's lives, but I do want someone to share and fight it all out with. She would be all I need, but she would probably need others much the same as I need her.

Here with this empire that I'm building out of life, the costs I'm accruing and the payments that I'm making, I want someone to share it with. It would have made sense to stay with Whit, to a point. She's crazy in love with me, but I have things to figure out. I haven't been able to project in a year. At first I thought it was maybe just a shift, but so fast, sudden and powerful? I'm not centered anymore. I'm a robot. I have few feelings and those I express the most are negative: anger, frustration, etc.

Everything else is just robotic, my life is well enough programmed to not only carry on without my heart and soul but to kick ass at the same time. No one's hardly noticed. Not even Whit, or my family, at least not that I've admitted to them. I've bought a house and started building a new five and ten year goal. One person makes me feel anything exciting at all and she's entirely out of reach. I worry that it's a lie, that if anything were allowed to happen it would fizzle like so many other things.

I don't feel like I have a heart or a soul. I need to find something, figure this out. I used to think I was just tired, but not being able to project is something I've NEVER had a problem with. I don't feel. I don't feel it, I just do it.

I thought I needed out to figure it out. Well now I know, but I don't know what to do with it. How do I bring someone into my home, into my life, when I'm not even a real person anymore. Dealing with Whit we read up a lot on depression and related stuff like that. She and I have a lot of similar symptoms, but we deal with it entirely differently. I blame myself more than her for everything that's happened, but she feels it's her fault. I don't know that I'll ever convince her of it.

I need to figure out where the soul is. I need to break free and finish understanding this. I don't know how to do it though. I don't know how to bring the life back. In the meantime I joke and I carry on, but there's an enormous weight there at times. I think I'm ready for that to be gone. I think I'm no longer afraid of the world carrying on without me, without being carried by me. It always finds a way, but even still, I lose a lot by giving up. People lose me if I give up.

Got to figure this out. I owe it to myself. Since I feel that I've been doing such a good job pretending then I don't think anyone else has noticed, until now. I'm fine, we're all fine here, but I need to feel the joy of life again, I need to feel life. It's getting high time to start a family. I'm hunting for someone to share that kind of connection with. There are plenty that like me, meaning more than one and one is all I need. I just don't feel anything there and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I don't know how much more heartbreak I can take, either them breaking mine, or me breaking mine by what I do. So many rough things. So much weight. I wish I were just able to stomp across someone's life and not give a second thought. That's the last line I hope to cross.