The importance of people.

It's funny to be the one writing this, it's actually a bit revolutionary. Settling down from everything that is happening and has happened, everyone has contributed to this. I started out as a lone wolf. I was too shy at the very first, then we just moved around a lot. It was never a problem for me. I just didn't get that attached. Why should I if I know that I'm going to be leaving within two years? I just came to expect it.

The first time that it became any sort of issue was Sophomore year. We had lived there for five years. Made it from Sixth Grade, through Junior High School and the first year of High School. I kept only one of those friends and only because of our monthly DND game. Long story short, we moved. It was harder than the others, but still not losing touch like normal people do. I remember things, I miss people every now and again, but they're mostly nameless and faceless now.

Next was Layton. Boom, butterfly time. I moved out there and started making some changes, I was becoming a bit more confident, but still mostly kept to myself. I was quiet unless I had something profound to say (nice change from today, eh?) I loved being the quiet one and then turning heads with every word. I started sitting in the back of class more, not because I was causing trouble, but because I had something to say and wanted to be heard.

In the last year, the most stunning changes can be seen. I do have to blame Subachan for most of it, I think. I was still content being a loner until I visited her current home city of Bangalore. Thinking about being a manager in a foreign country started the change. I had to figure out the proper balance. On one hand, I'm a visitor in a foreign land. I don't know anything about their culture hardly and I don't know their language and I don't know much about them personally. On the other hand, I was being sent out there to help train them and facilitate a large transition of work.

That originated the hardcore taking charge that I visualized as throwing elbows into a group of people. Seriously. Someone comes from 20,000 miles away, you've never met him, maybe have spoken with him on the phone or IMed him and he's going to start telling you what to do? When in doubt, charge. That's what it turned into.

She forever helped shape how I saw people though. It became apparent later that I was more important than I had realized or wanted to believe. I've seen things where people pay more attention than I would like, but after all of these years she was finally able to put it in succinct enough words that it caught hold in my mind. I wasn't allowed to cut myself down in a joking manner. She would have none of that, she said that it was an insult to her and her friends. What? Seriously? How can a dig on myself hurt your feelings? It all started to make sense over time. When I tried to play the lone wolf card, she kicked me and told me to go live in the desert. Wow. Alright then.

It helped that just prior to that trip I had discovered a new mantra. Make better life choices. Simple, elegant. I just needed to spend a little time each day making my life better. Small decisions, but stop living in a hole. When I came back, I made some choices. Some of them for the better. Some of them we will have to see what history says about it. I cut ties with a lot of friends over some personal issues. Not forcibly, but I dropped off the face of the planet again. Some of them have stayed in touch, others not so much.

I'm a completely different person these days. The core is still there, but the crunchy outsides are different. This morning my understanding crystallized again. I am now about people. I try to help people have a good time, I've got a dry sarcastic sense of humor that beckons to my intellect and the only spontaneous bones in my body seem to be in my mouth. I do it because people laugh, but it seems that there needs to be something more there. Additionally I will pick you up, pay for you, etc, just for the good company. If you want, it can be a date, but what do I care? There's only one friend that has that kind of loose understanding with me. That we will pay for each other and allow it to go a week instead of hours. I wouldn't let it go much longer than that, don't need to. I was never the one to complain about how far the drive was (sorry if you're out of state, I do have to work). I will make time. It helps that I normally have an abundance of it.

So thinking this morning about what's important. Revolutionary. People are important. It's the way I was taught to live. It's the way I've been living, but the epiphany comes when you put it to words. Money is an enabler. It's a path, not a destination. Money is not important, only people are important. Think of the revolutionary difference this would make if our businesses followed this. I don't mean taking it as far as to watch them sink, but building better products and sharing more profits. There's certainly a type of person that won't help themselves. A type that no matter how much you give, it's not enough. Those need to be weaned out one way or another, makes them stronger, makes us stronger.

Time is not important only life is important. People, anyways. Up to you how you spend your time, but your friends are your friends for a reason. I wouldn't run around trying to change too much because maybe you're only good in small doses, but if they want to spend time with you, that's their prerogative to try. Sure, you're busy doing other things, if all of my friends wanted to hang out at once doing different things, I would have to choose, but mostly we don't all want to do things Tuesday evening, so it gives me a chance to enjoy more of your company over time.

Things are definitely not important. Your car is important, it gets you to work so that you can do many more things, but it's still not more important than a person. It's a tool. An enabler. A path, not an end. Things is a broad category to me. Games are enablers. They allow you to meet more people (thinking board games actually, I know, right? What century do we live in where you would sit around a table and enjoy other's company while playing with something as primitive as cards and dice?). Games, not more important than people. They help you connect with people, not replace them (ideally). Drugs, definitely not important. Now any of you who have had any lengthy conversations on the matter know my stance on it. I trust you, that's why we are friends, but some people still have their priorities wrong, yesterdays accident is a testament to that.

I don't know all of the purpose of writing this, I don't know if you're going to read it, but we're friends for a reason and I trust you to make up your own mind. If I couldn't then we couldn't be friends. I posted it here so that you could see some of this and help use it to shape your self or not. I've had a writing bug for about a week anyways, it's been about time. I think it's important to know that you have people out there looking out for you. Our culture has a way of turning them away when they offer, but it's important to remember to ask as well. I don't mind you coming here and wasting all my time. Time is not important, money is not important, things are not important. People are important.

Responsible

Would it surprise you to know that every time I see you there are pangs of guilt? Even worse, you're not the only one.

In my life I've done this a few times and it's never worked out for me.

How do I risk the things I have for the things that could be? I think that's the lesson of being an adventurer, an American, a risk taker.

It's different with people though. You can't do that, but can you turn your back on good people and expect them to ever be there for you when you need them? I don't know that I'll ever know how to mitigate that, but I will need to find a way to stop painting myself into corners.

I am where I am now because I need to learn. Before I cause more pain, I get to sit with mine and my missed opportunities until I can remember how to play with the big kids. Flex old muscles, shake free of the dust. As awesome as I am these days, there's been more lurking that doesn't need to be spoken about.

I am genuinely sorry. I haven't been able to say for a long time that I have no regrets. Now I have two big ones. How many more before I figure it out? Where are all the magical fairy tales that make everything better now?

I am in control. I am responsible. I am sorry.