Importante!

The term "bedroom philosopher" on its own should make teenage giggles permeate the mind, but not all is as it immediately seems. If there is anything that is easier to say than to comprehend and even easier to comprehend than to live - it is the idea that there are many ways to live. There are many paths to take in life.

Ultimately, your path is your own. I won't object unless you're hurting someone, though sometimes I may speak up if I think you could do better. In your case the only change I could I could think to make would to be to undo things that are done. Even if these things inevitably become part of the mix, it's hard to imagine it was worth it.

In addition to the many things that I feel in common with you, and the things we've already shared, are the things that we have yet to share. The things you've taught me or helped me challenge are priceless. For example, in the early tepid stages, mystery may be enough of an attraction. This stage makes sense, but needs to be traversed if any headway is to be made. Once the layers begin to be revealed a decision is made to press on or cut your losses and run. I believe it works out that the first stage is to discover everything you can about the person and the second stage is to reconcile the difference and pursue the future. If you decide that the only thing there is fun, then maintain and cherish that. The next main stage I believe is the decision to uncover new mysteries together. This is the great adventure.

I won't lie, the patience required is quite a challenge. Moving too fast or two slow in some areas or at all could be disasterous. The key there is patience and understanding. Essentially in this case, they aren't any different.

If anything, the most important thing you've shown me is hope. I had shared a lurking concern that I've had for nearly a year now. I realized this morning that I only needed to observe the answer. Perhaps I miss the naivetie that youthful love brings, but I'm definitely smarter now, however little, and eyes more open. Perhaps whatever does lie in the future would never be as full without that loss.

Now for the nerd portion and my eternal battle. If I seek to pursue anything here, to measure or understand it, I will forever change it. I am human, I have desires, but I hope to leave what I love largely intact. I can't interact without change, so change we shall. As much as I love the purity of the being there, I can't help but wonder what beautiful pictures might be painted here.

I think we're going to keep playing my little game. You're in charge of the pace. No matter how I would fight it, the truth is that you're inevitably in control. That's the only way that it can be. You do what you wanna.

I know the pieces fit...

'Cause I watched them tubmle down.

I thought about this the entire drive home, it was going to be anothing long cleansing post, but now only fragments remain, ironically. This song is an underlying explaination to why or how I feel myself slip. I have very strict checks and balances included in my mind to keep myself from being duped (highly important because I'm naturally a trusting and gullible soul with a high capacity for forgiveness) and I use it each day to help me remember everything, every detail.

Where it backfires is that reality seems elusive. It slips. Pretend you come home one day and your house is a hundred feet farther down the road and you have new neighbors, but you've lived in that house for decades. Did a new house spring up there or did you forget and it's simply always been there? The wonderful thing about the mind is how it copes with this nonesense.

Often I feel like I've woken up in another world. Part of my reality matrix is to cross reference with multiple sources. Therefore if I'm losing my mind for example, everyone will say one thing and I'll "know" another. It takes a lot to erode my "knowing", but it can happen. After all, when everyone in your life "knows" something exactly the opposite of what you "know", then you must be wrong, right?

I guess that's what makes me crazy, because more often than not the answer is no. I'm not wrong, I don't know how to reconcile what you're saying either, but I didn't wake up one day and suddenly forget my neighbors, the world changed. Does thinking you're the last sane person on the planet make you crazy?

So now the real kicker is applying that into relationships. I've been in trouble for using the "L word" too much. No, it's not lesbians. It's Logic. My mind has to exist on it. It has to run on logic because I believe in being as fair and just as humanly possible and that means that one good turn deserves another and good deeds should be rewarded and not punished and what not. How it relates to relationships is that I can't understand how you can have a picture perfect relationship with someone, be it friendship or otherwise, and it just disintegrate.

Often people say that you had to have seen it coming, there were signs, something could have been done. I promise that I believe that and trust in that, but when nothing can be done and the strongest relationships and most idealized relationships come crashing down, what's to be done? When something that you've built so much of your reality comes to a screeching hault, then what? You shrug, walk the extra 100 feet to your house and get in. That's what people do.

I know the pieces fit, 'cause I watched them tumble down. I hate seeing that my relationships shift. I always want to point the finger, blame the other, but I feel the fault is mine. I know it is at times, and feel it is almost always. This song represents in me my willpower. I can use my mind to bend the universe into shape if I just will it enough. If you see me focusing or having a little public freak out it's just me trying to put everything back in its place. I don't know who put me in charge of this, but I don't know how to stop either. It's my job because I can. I just need to make sure that this doesn't suck me in until I'm lost in space and time and some great one eats my face. I assure myself the world will spin without my intervention, that's how I sleep at night.

Theraputic.

I wrote, I dunno... 12 pages... Theraputic... I don't think I can post it, but it felt good to get off my chest. I don't like keeping the posts to myself, but I believe it served it's purpose.

Baking a Cake

Here I am, I want to bake a cake. What makes something a cake? Clearly a rock isn't a cake. A car is not a cake, but why not? Even more difficult, bread is not a cake. So what makes it a cake and not bread?

What is in cake? I know, crazy, right? Cake has parts. You've got flour and sugar and butter and eggs and milk and more. But all of that together could be bread, but it could be cake. An egg as an egg, but it can help make up a cake. Clearly you don't go to the fridge and pull out an egg and say it's a cake. That would be silly.

So before it's a cake, it's many things. It's eggs, flour, sugar, butter, milk, etc. Not until all of those things are mixed together it becomes a cake, or does it?

When you've mixed the ingredients together, is it a cake then? No, it's still not a cake. A cake is baked and has frosting and other things, right? But once it's mixed together to make a cake, could it be anything else? Is it going to be cookies, or donuts or bread? I don't think so, it seems like once it's in the bowl mixed up, it's going to be a cake, but it isn't yet, right?

So you put your cake mixings into the oven right? Eureka! Now it's going to be a cake. Right? Well you cook it at temperature until it's done. Don't ask me, I'm not really a baker or a chef, I just know generally how it happens. Once it's done you take it out of the oven, now is it a cake? I guess it could be, but I wouldn't eat it just like it is.

Some people let it cool a bit and then frost it. You can put words on it saying "I love you", or "Happy Birthday" or anything really. Now I would say it's a cake. It wasn't a cake when it was just eggs and flour and everything, but once it was mixed it was either going to be a cake or nothing. Now that everything went according to plan, it's a cake and we can all enjoy it.

What makes a cake? Is it the ingredients? Is it the idea of it? Is it the baking? Some people can't have milk, so they use other things. You can make cake many ways, but if you make your mix and then throw it away, it will never be a cake.

So what makes something a baby?

The importance of people.

It's funny to be the one writing this, it's actually a bit revolutionary. Settling down from everything that is happening and has happened, everyone has contributed to this. I started out as a lone wolf. I was too shy at the very first, then we just moved around a lot. It was never a problem for me. I just didn't get that attached. Why should I if I know that I'm going to be leaving within two years? I just came to expect it.

The first time that it became any sort of issue was Sophomore year. We had lived there for five years. Made it from Sixth Grade, through Junior High School and the first year of High School. I kept only one of those friends and only because of our monthly DND game. Long story short, we moved. It was harder than the others, but still not losing touch like normal people do. I remember things, I miss people every now and again, but they're mostly nameless and faceless now.

Next was Layton. Boom, butterfly time. I moved out there and started making some changes, I was becoming a bit more confident, but still mostly kept to myself. I was quiet unless I had something profound to say (nice change from today, eh?) I loved being the quiet one and then turning heads with every word. I started sitting in the back of class more, not because I was causing trouble, but because I had something to say and wanted to be heard.

In the last year, the most stunning changes can be seen. I do have to blame Subachan for most of it, I think. I was still content being a loner until I visited her current home city of Bangalore. Thinking about being a manager in a foreign country started the change. I had to figure out the proper balance. On one hand, I'm a visitor in a foreign land. I don't know anything about their culture hardly and I don't know their language and I don't know much about them personally. On the other hand, I was being sent out there to help train them and facilitate a large transition of work.

That originated the hardcore taking charge that I visualized as throwing elbows into a group of people. Seriously. Someone comes from 20,000 miles away, you've never met him, maybe have spoken with him on the phone or IMed him and he's going to start telling you what to do? When in doubt, charge. That's what it turned into.

She forever helped shape how I saw people though. It became apparent later that I was more important than I had realized or wanted to believe. I've seen things where people pay more attention than I would like, but after all of these years she was finally able to put it in succinct enough words that it caught hold in my mind. I wasn't allowed to cut myself down in a joking manner. She would have none of that, she said that it was an insult to her and her friends. What? Seriously? How can a dig on myself hurt your feelings? It all started to make sense over time. When I tried to play the lone wolf card, she kicked me and told me to go live in the desert. Wow. Alright then.

It helped that just prior to that trip I had discovered a new mantra. Make better life choices. Simple, elegant. I just needed to spend a little time each day making my life better. Small decisions, but stop living in a hole. When I came back, I made some choices. Some of them for the better. Some of them we will have to see what history says about it. I cut ties with a lot of friends over some personal issues. Not forcibly, but I dropped off the face of the planet again. Some of them have stayed in touch, others not so much.

I'm a completely different person these days. The core is still there, but the crunchy outsides are different. This morning my understanding crystallized again. I am now about people. I try to help people have a good time, I've got a dry sarcastic sense of humor that beckons to my intellect and the only spontaneous bones in my body seem to be in my mouth. I do it because people laugh, but it seems that there needs to be something more there. Additionally I will pick you up, pay for you, etc, just for the good company. If you want, it can be a date, but what do I care? There's only one friend that has that kind of loose understanding with me. That we will pay for each other and allow it to go a week instead of hours. I wouldn't let it go much longer than that, don't need to. I was never the one to complain about how far the drive was (sorry if you're out of state, I do have to work). I will make time. It helps that I normally have an abundance of it.

So thinking this morning about what's important. Revolutionary. People are important. It's the way I was taught to live. It's the way I've been living, but the epiphany comes when you put it to words. Money is an enabler. It's a path, not a destination. Money is not important, only people are important. Think of the revolutionary difference this would make if our businesses followed this. I don't mean taking it as far as to watch them sink, but building better products and sharing more profits. There's certainly a type of person that won't help themselves. A type that no matter how much you give, it's not enough. Those need to be weaned out one way or another, makes them stronger, makes us stronger.

Time is not important only life is important. People, anyways. Up to you how you spend your time, but your friends are your friends for a reason. I wouldn't run around trying to change too much because maybe you're only good in small doses, but if they want to spend time with you, that's their prerogative to try. Sure, you're busy doing other things, if all of my friends wanted to hang out at once doing different things, I would have to choose, but mostly we don't all want to do things Tuesday evening, so it gives me a chance to enjoy more of your company over time.

Things are definitely not important. Your car is important, it gets you to work so that you can do many more things, but it's still not more important than a person. It's a tool. An enabler. A path, not an end. Things is a broad category to me. Games are enablers. They allow you to meet more people (thinking board games actually, I know, right? What century do we live in where you would sit around a table and enjoy other's company while playing with something as primitive as cards and dice?). Games, not more important than people. They help you connect with people, not replace them (ideally). Drugs, definitely not important. Now any of you who have had any lengthy conversations on the matter know my stance on it. I trust you, that's why we are friends, but some people still have their priorities wrong, yesterdays accident is a testament to that.

I don't know all of the purpose of writing this, I don't know if you're going to read it, but we're friends for a reason and I trust you to make up your own mind. If I couldn't then we couldn't be friends. I posted it here so that you could see some of this and help use it to shape your self or not. I've had a writing bug for about a week anyways, it's been about time. I think it's important to know that you have people out there looking out for you. Our culture has a way of turning them away when they offer, but it's important to remember to ask as well. I don't mind you coming here and wasting all my time. Time is not important, money is not important, things are not important. People are important.

Responsible

Would it surprise you to know that every time I see you there are pangs of guilt? Even worse, you're not the only one.

In my life I've done this a few times and it's never worked out for me.

How do I risk the things I have for the things that could be? I think that's the lesson of being an adventurer, an American, a risk taker.

It's different with people though. You can't do that, but can you turn your back on good people and expect them to ever be there for you when you need them? I don't know that I'll ever know how to mitigate that, but I will need to find a way to stop painting myself into corners.

I am where I am now because I need to learn. Before I cause more pain, I get to sit with mine and my missed opportunities until I can remember how to play with the big kids. Flex old muscles, shake free of the dust. As awesome as I am these days, there's been more lurking that doesn't need to be spoken about.

I am genuinely sorry. I haven't been able to say for a long time that I have no regrets. Now I have two big ones. How many more before I figure it out? Where are all the magical fairy tales that make everything better now?

I am in control. I am responsible. I am sorry.

You and I are about to have a relationship.

Back in the day I did a lot of thinking about relationships. There was a long time where it was less important than what marriage meant to me, and now we're back to not really understanding relationships. At least it's different now, meaning the rules have changed and not just that I've regressed. Things are different in new ways.

That's too much of a side track though.

I used to simply graph relationships in a few main ways:

20% of people like you, 20% of people dislike you and 60% of people don't care either way. Naturally the numbers are different on a world scale, but this is meant for the people in your local area. I work with 500 people at our site. I'm probably not a normal indicator, but I'd like to say that I know about half of them at least and some of them like me, some of them dislike me and many of them try as I might hardly even know me.

Then there was the more advanced break down. 5% love you, 15% like you (friends), 60% don't really know you (indifferent), 15% dislike you, and 5% hate you.

Easy enough, eh?

It's the prospect that the world is balanced (which it isn't always, though a system usually is more balanced than an interval in time) and that generally you have a couple of people that can't stand you no matter what and a couple of people who love you unconditionally. I can't think of anyone who hates me at the moment, but that doesn't mean that they're not out there.

Now we get into the new complex that is playing by largely different and irritating rules. These days there's the group that likes you that you like back, the group that you like that doesn't like you and the group that likes you that you don't want anything to do with.

It's a really hard place to be the chaser and not the chased, but it's rough being the chased and having no interest as well.

Not that I'm entirely speaking from any experience, but I have done a lot of pointless chasing recently which is I guess why it's on my mind. It's funny because I think people are afraid of me somehow. Really? I'm fun, or annoying, that's the flavors you get. I'm not a stalker, not a creep, and if I'm annoying it's A) you don't think I'm funny, or B) I've taken it to far (would I do that?).

So I don't understand why we can't just have fun. I don't want in your pants, that's up to you and a much later conversation to be had (somewhat presumptuous on your part, not that you're wrong with most men most of the time).

It's something that's been an odd state to be in, it's been a while and having to run while being chased isn't something I like. Things are entirely too complicated at time. Speaking of presumptuous so is most of this post. I think it dies here, I think I've gotten the bugs out of my brain now.