Where are we going and why are we in this handbasket?

No, my car's not up and running yet. But you should soon feel his wrath. Maybe.

I'm not sure about this. I don't really have the luxury or time to doubt, but do you mind if I continue to do so anyways?

Of course everything will be all right, but I don't know what's going on here...

Do you realize how hard it is to actually explode without dieing? I mean, really, to expand in all directions at once without falling apart, ripping, tearing or otherwise finding yourself in tattered pieces?

An expansion and growth that threatens your very life?

Me either until recently.

I bring it up every couple of months, thinking that it's going on, or going to happen.

But this is the first one that I feel is actually close to it.

I really do.

I feel like I might fall apart because I'm doing so well, a silly thought, right?

I should just shut up, I just end up saying the opposite of the time anyways. I'm the damned "Grass always greener" type to the point that I just hop from one side of the fence to the other until I realize that I'm on the otherside and try to jump back.

What a freakin' wierdo. Duh.

And you guys live with it.

What does that make you?

More then that, most of you actually might have even a bit of respect. Like WTF?

That's how I know it's a screwed up world. Lol.

I think the expansion's been taking it's toll this week. That's why I bring it up. I think Sunday tripped me up enough to realize it.

I'll be firm on my feet again in no time.

Just need to get some things handled. Still so many things to do.

The part that is actually bothering me is that I'm running out of room to place my responsibilities and my wants/needs.

I'm starting to have to find nooks and crannies for friends that have always had my attention, and try and make sure that they understand. Some of those that don't, isn't a big deal, they'll live. I just don't want to have questions coming from areas that they never have before.

But then they'll understand. It's ok. But also they shouldn't have to. I've made the time before and I'm determined to continue to do it. I just need to get a secretary. Yeah that's it.

I'll get a posting out there soon for interested parties, lol.

I don't know.

Definately hand basket time.

Lots of things going through my mind. But I need to listen to the horriscope song and reset everything on my computer for my brother.

I set him up a guest account thinking that the external hard drive was a way around certain permissions issues that Windows was having, but no. Not really...

Now windows sucks that much more.

I don't see why there needs to be twelve copies of the same information if twelve users need to use the PC. After all, I'm really only after protecting a few files here and there... Maybe I'll just have to create a smaller account with those files there, or something...

Either way, for whatever reason it didn't let him access the profiles of the games, even though they are on the external hard drive. And then he bitched me out when I came down stairs...

It's ok, I'm just tired and past my bed time.

These 12 hr work days are something else, man...

Anyways, captain of the H.M.S. Handbasket, out.

'Ello, 'ello, what's all this then?

I'm sure you've seen that title before, so sue me for copywrite infringement on myself.

Do it, I'll win.

I had a rather eventful weekend, as usual. Days off are just as busy as working days, these days.

A whole lot of days all in all.

Sunday sucked, but I'll spare you the details.

Friday, not so bad. I was kinda disappointed with the whole party thing, after all of the talk and everything I ended up being the only one that kept with the plan other then those who procured the food and drink...

But it was fun being the Grim Reaper anyways. I think I mostly startled the delivery person, but only because she seemed to have the need to shake my hand and make sure that I don't bite.

Wouldn't blame her, I'd probably do much the same thing there...

Saturday was completely and udderly full. Nope, no cows, but it was definately udderly amazing that I was able to time it so well.

Meeting, avoid slaying evil doers, home for dinner, and play.

And the old fashioned meaning of play at that. Like real, live, theatre I tells yah!

'Cept that it was High School kids, not that it should matter...

But more then that I was able to see an old friend, and from the reactions it seemed that reunion was long overdue.

Never ceases to amaze really.

Maybe deep, waaay deep down, that's why I'm a Shadow. My own personal soul is an attention whore way down there. Just like everybody else. You might not think so, but maybe that's what it is.

After all, it has been a year or two since I've been pounced on.

And it was quite litterally that.

See, I see someone, and I keep myself in check. (Less embaracement that way)

But not a lot of my friends. They just have to pounce.

T-I-Double Guh-ER.

Or is that bounce...?

Not sure, no matter...

So now I have my typical Justin-typed delimna. Swapping phone numbers with the intent to catch up, but I've never really been all that good at it.

I suppose there's at least the opportunity to catch up and take it from there, right?

Take everything a step at a time.

Like all of this growing up none-sense.

What's wrong with you people? Lol...

You've let me run off with a responsibility waaay before my time.

I suppose that's how it's always been with me, or always seemed.

But now I'm getting involved in serious "adult" business.

Pardon the moment's n00bness.

I just need to take a step, and a breath, back and take in the sights.

I'm helping to organize a major event with all of its own trimmings. I'm going to be dealing with people that I never imagined or hoped to meet.

And I'm going to do it before half of you realize who you are... Not that it's much different for you. I would dare say (however humbly, heh) that I have at least a general idea.

Never you mind that I have no idea on heaven or earth of where I'm headed at the moment.

Enter the next post and exit the current one.

If you read this tonight Carl, you'll obviously need to bring up this particularly vaigue comment in the morning. Yes, the one pointed at you. And if you don't read it, Kevin or Dani will likely bring it up if you don't.

And if none of you do, we're all lost.

(Oh, and BTW, I'm on the internets now with my new computer... Dial-up still, but hopefully soon to be upgraded to something better, methinks.)

Just more proof.

So there we go, more proof of the things that I see, that I know.

Does anyone stop to think of why I'm so stubborn? Does anyone care?

It's because when I seek an opposing viewpoint to my own, I almost exclusively find support.

There's a reason why I post here first, I didn't today, but last time, when I went to my other online activities, I found another reason why.

I went to a friends online profile and found a blog post that essentially said "Goodbye, cruel world."...

Not a happy event.

We want to talk about darkness? We want to speak of our own problems? We have no idea what it's really like on the front lines of these wars, do we?

....

That will just bring further battles on a, now third, front. Not worth reopening it, I suppose. It's been mined off. I'll shell that one later.

So I spent most of the day worrying about the poor soul. Trapped by such an obvious lie. I finally got ahold of her confirming that she was alive, but very sure that she wouldn't have been able to tell the difference...

One down, I suppose. One problem that I hadn't expected to deal with just then.

Alas, I choose my battles as often as not.

Still not sure why I engage in these in the first place. It just seems like the thing that I'm meant to do, right? Like it's a switch that can't be turned off. Not sure I'd want to if I could.

It's wierd, to say the least.

But it shall continue.

No tears, no blood, no time.

It's ok, I'll be fine.

A moment's weakness that will soon vanish.

Titanium side, right? Not with me so much. I suppose that's what it is, but it's definately not compared to that, it's more the calm, cool, collected sort. Y'know, arrogance and all.

Anyways.

Now's time to plot for Christmas. Now I don't have any of the legitimate excuses of "Yeah, if I had money."

What's lame is that I always know what to get when I'm broke, and have no idea what to do with the money that I do have. I know what I want, what I will and won't ask for, but for everyone else...?

I don't just get something on their list, 'cause that's lame. If it's similar, fine, it helps to see what they're into. But I don't see any feeling from getting something from a list. Like, I don't feel anything special when I buy it that way.

I'm not saying that the whole deal is raw for anyone, I just try to have a certain sentimental feeling when I do it, and I don't get it down that path.

Then I have to decide who's special enough to get what, lol.

This whole Christmas thing is none-sense. Not that I don't want anything, lol, I just hate the whole lot of expectations and guilt trips and everything. It's essentially all in my head, but I'm not making it up... Right?

Whatever.

I'm tired and not feeling very cheery right now. Don't worry, be happy, right?

Hopefully I'll be able to afford me an external hard drive to start moving some data. And start stock piling things for the future. I've been eyeing DVD camcorders and everything, but it'll probably be a year or more before I make a move on it. The problem is that I don't have a specific need for it, which means that it would more or less collect dust, most likely.

Gotta have certain things that I don't in order for that to be useful.

Anyways.

I'm being negative, so I should away with me. I have to get up early in the morning anyways.

Another paycheck is coming this week, that'll be nice, should stockpile for Christmas and everything. Heh.

TTYL.

BTW, Carl, if you read this be prepared for some con related talk in the morning. I want to be included in this SF Utah list or whatever and whether or not you got the minutes, since you didn't respond or post them to the list to my knowledge.

There's a reason.

There's a reason why I come here first.

It's 'cause I try to savour the moments. The good and the bad. I guess I give up a lot of other moments to savour the ones that I have, but that's no matter, I suppose.

Yesterday was a great day. As days go.

I spent half of the day with a friend, while spending the evening with many more of you. What more could be asked?

I'm trying to savour that. The feeling. 'Tis a good feeling that is likely 'bout to be swept aside.

Last night was our Mt. Con meeting. It was a very good meeting, probably one of the best ones that I've been to since the first one that I went to. The first one we decided to give our would-be benefactor the boot, and take our own baby steps as we realized that he wasn't doing anything for us that we couldn't do, faster, better and so forth than before. It's the Six Million Dollar Con. Or at least we hope it will be in 12 years when we have to worry about SW's 40th, heh.

Very productive, but I was a bit shocked. I was, more or less, thrust into the Co-chair position. Yeah, yeah, I volunteered, but I hadn't expected my counterpart to step back. We have a work around for it, but it was interesting.

That and everyone followed Dave when he suggested that I should have emergency power to break a tie (which will only happen in really big instances, me thinks). Sound a bit like our friend Palpatine, anyone? I just found it wierd that it went the way it did. I had suggested using the entire voting council to break the tie, but it was agreed that I would do it.

Wierd and neat at the same time.

I would promise not to abuse it, but not only should that go without saying, but it would kinda make me look like Palpatine, anyways, lol.

I named my computer yesterday. I'm not entirely pleased with the name, but I am free to change it later, I suppose. I've named him meddlesome Medley. Ok, just Medley, but that's because he's going to be quite a meddlesome creature.

I inadvertently gave him his first heart attack yesterday.

I was not pleased, to say the least. I put in a CD that I should have known better about… It was a CD full of software that I have coveted for a while, but it was burned by an ex-friend who was an idiot (in this way as well as many other big ways). He freakin’ burned a data CD in audio format. Thus giving Medley his first triple heart attack.

I didn’t have to use the defibrillator, thank goodness, I was able to resuscitate him by less strenuous means. He’s a very stout fellow and recovered almost instantly.

Tonight, it seems, I will have some plans. Not sure how I feel about that. I feel that I’m wary when I shouldn’t need to be. But I should.

It’s an odd thing to think the face of a former friend, your enemy.

I don’t think I will ever get over that, but that’s how it seems to turn out. Only a very few of my closest friends have never fallen that route. I suppose it started a great deal earlier, but I will count it from about 5th grade (my first friend that I actually spent time with on a more than regular basis) on to now. ‘Twas always thus, and thus it will always be. Eh? Alicia?

I don’t have a super amount to post. There was something I think that I am missing.

I survived my 4-10 schedule, and I actually did some math for it. I know that now I technically get 6 days off in a two week period, that’s a lot of down time. But I pull the hours of someone who’s working 11 of those 14 days. Just an interesting thing to consider. Especially when people hate me talking about getting those three day weekends, lol.

There is other mindless small talk and small events to be had. But I don’t feel like writing them down today.

Sorry folks, that will be all for now.

Whoa...

I just realized that it's been a year since I started this blog. Wierd...

I only really know because I looked at the archives.

Funny how a year later it has much the same tone and I have much the same mood...

Which is much the irony of my purchasing situation as well.

I bought a new computer, so it's technically like 11 months for that, but I'll have it paid off by the same time.

Wierd.

SSDY? (Same Shit, Different Year, for those of you with no accronym skills).

I certainly hope not. But I would assume so.

My baby is born unto me.

Heh.

I finally did it. I got really crazy and went and did it.

I bought my computer. I wish I could say that I'm writing to you from it now, but I'm not. Still on my Dad's machine for the internets for now.

I'll get that fixed in a little bit though. No real reason to use his to check my e-mail and such if I can do it from mine.

Super cool, too.

I've decided that, to honor its coolness, I would wait a week before naming it. I will be open to suggestions, so feel free to pipe up, but silly names will likely be disregarded.

Any other, serious, entries are welcome.

I think part of the coolness is that it was about a grand cheaper than the one that I was going to buy online (even counting the "discount"). That, and I was additionally crazy and put this purchase on a brand new credit card that I got just for this purchase (ok, I got it for this as the primary purchase, I already know one other thing that I will be using it to help with, and stop worrying, I'll be careful - besides, that's how I was approved in the first place).

So I got it, finally, about the same specs as the one that I was drooling about nearly two months ago. Built in Wireless. 2BG RAM, 100 GB hard drive 128MB graphics card, DVD RW for the home movies, heh (just kidding).

Cool stuff.

I already broke my first rule with it, too. I installed its first game, when I wasn't going to install any directly ON the machine. I installed Half Life 2 so that I could play it. Er, beat it in this case. And it was totally worth it.

I've also ripped it's first CD, with a burning to come eventually. All sorts of milestones for it already.

I just couldn't get it to network with my Desktop computer to transfer over all of my music and such. It's no fault of the laptop (I checked, it works just fine with my Dad's laptop, but the Desktop doesn't like using the network). For some reason the Desktop will ping everywhere but itself and the other computers on the network can't ping it.

It's very frustrating and mind-boggling. So I'll have to wait until I can purchase an external HD to transfer all of the files off. Which probably won't be until this next week, or two weeks, because I'll be busy working my late shift, 4 days, 10hrs.

Which starts in the morning so I should away with me.

I just wanted to let everyone know. And also, my phone number has been changed. I'll get to you each in turn and time with the new number. And if you don't hear from me in a timely manner, feel free to ask, like I said, I might not be planning a lot until Friday, so don't hesitate to ask here, or e-mail, or whatever.

Choices.

Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood
and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how
he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there telling the employee
how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Michael
and asked him, "I don't get it!
You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Michael replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two
choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or .. you can choose
to be in a bad mood.

I choose to be in a good mood."

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can
choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their
complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the
positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes, it is," Michael said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away
all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to
situations. You choose how people affect your mood.
You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your
choice how you live your life."

I reflected on what Michael said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower
Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him
when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Michael was involved in a serious
accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.


After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Michael was released
from the hospital with rods placed in his back.


I saw Michael about six months after the accident.
When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be
twins
Wanna see my scars?"


I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his
mind as the accident took place.


"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my
soon-to-be born daughter," Michael replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground,
I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could
choose to die. I chose to live."


"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.


Michael continued, "..the paramedics were great.
They kept telling me I was going to be fine.But when they wheeled me into
the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I
got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I
needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.


"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Michael.
"She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors
and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath
and yelled, 'Gravity'."


Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as
if I am alive, not dead."

Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his
amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice
to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.


Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about
itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.


After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.


You have two choices now:
1. Delete this.
2. Forward it to the people you care about.
You know the choice I made.
God Bless, and smile,it could be contagious

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well I just lost 30-40 minutes of writing again.

I so hate this computer.

I'm not going to reproduce it, sorry.

Just should be changing my phone number today and getting a new computer I hope.

Other then that, I've got a 4-10 M-Th shift now, so I have Friday - Sunday off. Which means a lot more free time if you ever get a wild hair and want to take a trip.

Damn dialup and damn this computer!

Now's the winter of your discontent!

Why do I feel that I tread this ground unwanted?

I think you're just going to have to deal with it.

I am only meant to be a shadow. That's all there is to it. I am much to big to be anything more, much to important, much to powerful.

The only way to keep myself alive and unlynched by the masses as they lie in wait, is to lie lower.

I shall forever scream but a whisper, stampede as a falling leaf, and be as forward as your trailing darkness.

That's the only way this will work.

As a shadow continually longs for the light, so will I, but such a creature is not meant to be.

I am not meant to be this. It is evident in everyone's reactions. I figured out the "why" behind the "push/pull" mechanism that has run my relationships, and I'm the fool who is using it.

It is the only common thread. The friends that I lose are the friends that I meddle with. It's not just so in one case, but in all cases.

I step in to help, I help because I can, and I push them away. That or they flee, but it's much the same to me.

If I think of those that I have maintained, it is exactly thus. They remain because I have never stepped forward to "help" them in some dire situation.

The irony is that even those that have asked for it, have befallen this fate.

And that explains how you are the fluke that you are. It's not that there's a duration, a time limit, on each relationship. It's that there is only so much "help" that someone will accept.

You have never really needed any. You are much the same as I am, but different enough all the same. You can stay your course because you have always needed as little help as I.

And there we are. That is why I lose, and that is why I will follow my "hands off" policy to the ends of the earth. I definately have the means, but the world has spun before me, and the world will spin long after.

And thus: why does it feel as though I tread upon ground unwanted?

I simply wish to make contact, to reconnect where that was once in existance, but it seems as though you cringe from me. Feels as though you hide from me. A Shadow is never meant to touch you, but you can hunt down and touch a shadow just fine. I will talk, I will look, I will laugh and speak and you will know me as that. But I will never touch, never hold, and be damned for all eternity if I spend more than my time near anyone of you.

And so I am damned. Damned until I withdraw back to where I should be. And that is all as it may be. I am not allowed to choose, never have been. I am simply waiting, waiting for one of you.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Never makes much sense... I went arround trying to reconnect with friends the other day, after I posted. But I feel very out of place, like I went to a party uninvited and knowing only a few of the people there that I haven't seen in ages...

I don't think I was meant to do that, but it felt like the thing to do, until I did it...

I think this is how it should be. I know, not many of you like that I'm a shadow. But why must it bother you at all? What is there to gain from the light? I'm no plant, I know where my soul is and where my nourishment stems from. So why needest I come to play with the creatures of light that shun me as much as I them? Why must I pretend to play along and they return the courtesy just because we were born of the same means?

We are not the same. We have never been the same, and likely will never be. You will never choose my deformed visage and I will no longer seek to come to the light. We are similar, but we are not so.

I always knew either the world was upside down, or I was dropped on my head. I suppose I know which one it is, always have. If you had built the world right side up, we wouldn't be in this mess.