Broken Heart.

What do you do when you watch someone fall?

What exactly is it that you can do with someone like that? Someone that disregards any reason what so ever. Someone that throughs away their own potential?

How powerless I am.

I've had that wonderful experience. Watching one of my friends fall into shadow. No, we're not talking the stuff that I dabble in. We're talking about shoplifting because you think you can get away with it and drugs. Hell, she's not even 17. What do you do with that?

I'm serious...

Looks like I'm going to have to follow through on a promise or two.

Deep throat?

Well of all things, someone has claimed to be Deep Throat.

Vanity Fair, of all news groups, has an article citing a former #2 FBI man as being Deep Throat by his own confession. Vanity Fair? I'm sorry, but I've never had much faith in the media, but now you're telling me that one of the most mysterious people in the last 50 years went and told Vanity Fair? Why not CNN, or MSNBC, or ANYWONE ELSE with some sense of credibility? I would believe it more if it were here on the local news, than Vanity Fair... What's more is that any other article that I've read about it have cited the article and not their own opinions or anything. They don't say "Hey, yeah, we got the same news." They're saying "Hey, you guys! Vanity Fair SAYS that they found Deep Throat!"

...

He actually might end up being Deep Throat, but in a time where you should be extremely wary of what you read or hear from the media, he could have at least picked someone we know. Yeah, that's not a huge failsafe with Newsweek's recent thing, but Deep Throat went and talked to... Vanity Fair. It's not even an American publication, for crying out loud.

Alright, well, those that actually have evidence of him are still reportedly saying that they won't tell until the source dies. So they know, supposedly. I think that gives enough that this Felt guy probably isn't the actual deal. But he's 90, so let's give it a few more years, and if you don't hear about again by then, Felt wasn't the guy.

===================================================================

I know have to eat those above words, apparently. Other major news sources have come in and confirmed the story. I didn't edit any of my comments, my opinion would only have been changed by this new information. And I got the new information. Apparently the Washington Post did come out and confirm it along with CNN. Which is enough for me. I'm off to finish reading their articles on it. It's still pretty interesting.

Nope, not that time...

Nope, I didn't make it to bed. I'm going this time I swear.

I just found something else to put a bit of a bump into my time on the internet. So far, unless I'm mindlessly doing nothing, I'm only effectively on it for minutes. Most of the rest of the time I'm not doing anything.

www.myspace.com/a_shadow

I'm pretty sure that's the URL. I don't care if anyone visits, actually. I'm posting it mostly in case one of the readers out there uses it. I'm sure I can use it to find people in areas that I'm visiting/livning. So that ought to be interesting.

And I've now seen a new thing on the net. I didn't know that they had code so that when you moved your mouse over it, it played sound. They should just use that for all of their sound making codes. It would be infinately more convenient. We actually incorporated something like that into the athletics page at Layton two or three years back. That was one of the coolest things I had seen back then, but it was for images of the teams and not sounds. When you'd go to click a link for the team it would show a picture of it, and when you weren't hovering over anything neat it would show a logo we made up for the department.

That was the shtick back then for me.

More dispair.

Visit www.despair.com. It's actually quite funny.

Now, before I actually attempt to go to bed "early", I found this (try and laugh, some of it is actually funny):

Sayings That Should Be On Those Office Inspirational Posters:
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Quite impossible.

I don't know if anyone's realized it, but life is quite impossible. No matter what ideals you set for yourself, your plans, or beliefs, you will end up breaking something. No, I'm not talking about breaking a vase or a window as you're rough-housing or playing ball. I'm talking about your promises, your word, your values. They always will get bent and broken.

More and more I am starting to doubt certain precepts that have long been held in the world. Why should that shock anyone? It's what I'm good at doing. Poking holes in things that have been highly regarded for the past umpteen years.

I'm finding that life is quite actually impossible. It's impossible to be perfect, it's impossible to live a righteous life without any failings, etc, etc, etc. There's only one thing we can do perfectly, be ourselves. But then I suppose we fail rather perfectly as well. It's an interesting predicament.

My heart of hearts tells me that it's in your continued advancement and refusal to give up that good is down. Meaning that if you are right, you shouldn't give in. But how do you know you're right? In a world of wickedness and corruption, how do you know that the other side isn't the right side? It's easy. Your very being tells you.

So much to do...

Anyways, I haven't gotten around to posting about Friday, because I'm not entirely sure what to do about it. I know that these are typical everyday and mundane issues, but to me they are my newest challenge. My greatest study, aside from the constant observance and discovery of the good and evil aspects in life, is the social animal of man. Lately, it's been much to study the interactions associated with courting, etc. It's a difficult thing to do, actually. How do you study something that seems to the untrained eye to be completely random, and solely built on by your uncontrolable heart?

You have to understand it. People absolutely refuse. I don't understand THAT. I don't get how someone, even those that claim intelligence, can claim unaccountability if "love" is ever involved. It quite litterally boggles the mind. I have always been a member of the school of life that believes in "Mind over matter." Taken to extremes that means that everything that effects you is within your ability to control, all you have to do is know about it. Essentially I combine "Mind over matter." with "Know thine enemy and know thyself and victory will always be yours." Quite simple really. So how is it that someone completely responsible for each and every one of their own actions skirts responsibility for love? How is it that love escapes that? This is a central argument for Bi-sexuals and Homosexuals. That they can't choose, that they didn't choose. It's quite odd, indeed, because I know for a fact that the only thing holding me back from finding someone to "love" is my own choices and actions. I can't affect human will, or at least won't. But that doesn't mean that there aren't those out there that are willing to love me. I have decided not to love them back for one reason or another. I'm actually not sure that I could explain all of the reasons, but I know that they exist.

I suppose that's a long awaited tangent. Back to Friday, and somewhat how it ties into the two above digressions.

I broke a word and bond by going to CONduit on Friday. Yet, I did go. I stopped going because I was tired of being conned (get it, CONduit? Of course, that's not why they chose the name...). I was tired of seeing my friends jerked around for something that we wanted to support and have fun with. I did this with my friends, and granted, most of the opinion is not my own. But that which is hasn't been swayed at all from the other side. I've seen enough to make my decision. Anyways. I went back to help a friend. I went to CONduit this last Friday so that I could help a friend put on a gaming event. In hindsight, I wasn't much of a help, but at least he appreciated what little I did add. It was a tough call though, I said that I wouldn't return, but I did. I didn't support the con as much as I supported my friends by being there.

But it wasn't all for naught. I actually nearly got a pseudo-date. You might be confuddled about what in the nine hells I might be talking about. So let me try and fill you in. When we were starting to collect players for the game, we touted it as a game in which you can blow things up. We had a few people come streaming into the room wanting to help blow things up, go figure. Some stayed, some left. One that stayed was actually the only player in costume. I'm still not entirely sure what she was. She had fangs (in her mouth and around her neck) and her Akida (it's a breed of dog, apparently a very loyal breed). She ended up staying, thought not really expecting to have a super amount of fun becuase she doesn't do well with abstract thought...

But the game went on, and after a while we got near the dinner break and she asked if I wanted to go somewhere and have dinner with her. Well, that's never actually a hurt to the ol' self-esteem and I of course agreed. She had some things to do and went to go shop. Go figure. But after a while it became apparent that she wasn't coming back. I'm not so sure about why, she seemed exited to come back. It's a bit of a mystery, and I'm not all that hurt by it. I'm trying to develope this sense that other people's lives don't actually revolve around me. It's a bit difficult much of the time. But I am curious what might have changed her mind. Not just because we had plans, but she did talk about coming back to hang out with all of "us" at the game.

Never the less, she ended up taking third place in the game and winning prizes. We have her prizes, and I've sort of been picked/volunteered to track her down. And again, I'm reluctant. I suppose I actually need to get into the habit of forcing my way into people's lives again. One of the things that I hate most of all these days is making waves in everyone elses life. I don't need to do that. It's been done in my life now, tidal waves to be precise, and I don't know how I would be accepted in someone else's anymore. Like I said, my choices are keeping me back.

It's a shame that I actually have to climb up the rungs of this ladder again. I actually had thought that my climbing days were over, that I wouldn't have to anymore. That I could be safe and secure where I was. I'm starting to think that it was just paving the way for something else. But though I see the possibility, I have to deny it. It feels close to time, but not yet.

So I make my excuses. After all, this girl lives in Salt Lake City and we are hardly a super compatible match. I seem to attract a certain type, I suppose. It's a little more complicated then I think I could accurately explain. And I'm not sure enough about one of my readers to go on. She would want it, but I am still hesitant.

As for this girl that I met at the con, I'll eventually have to arrange for her to recieve her prizes. I suppose at that time I can deal with other issues. Right now it's how. There are so many things that I let hold myself back... Interesting...

Like I began saying: Quite Impossible. The only way I actually ever get through these situations is by knuckling down and doing them. I actually wonder all of the time why sentience is a quality of our life. You actually seem to do ok without thinking much of the time. Thinking gets tangled up with other things that you shouldn't worry about... Instinct does quite good enough...

I'm sure you all loved that interlude. Not sure while I'm going to post it. But I do suppose I needed to think out loud. It's not like I get a horrendous amout of fan/hate/love/help mail anyways. Heh. That's one of the benefits. Having no negative feedback (and hardly any possitive feedback) lets me believe that most of the time I'm just talking to myself.

Here comes the rain. It's a bit overdue. Time to try and sleep, I suppose.

Do you got Gaim?

Sorry, had to work that pun in there because I thought of it last night. I'm very pleased with that program, if you couldn't tell.

So I'm going back home again this weekend, effective in a couple of hours. I'm going to have to call Convergys from there. But I get to have fun rather than sit around at home, or look for a job. Which wouldn't be so bad if that weren't the only thing that I'd have. But more and more I'm looking like I want to work for Convergys. Regardless of the stuff that they (or the customers, which is less of a problem) might put me through, I'm thinking the benefits are enough for me for now.

Nothing's really changed since last night, so that's why the short post. I'm just angry at our internet.

I probably have to do this fast...

Our stupid internet connection has been down all day. Down until I told one of my roommates about it, then it came up.

I filled out my application for Convergys today. Yeah, I'm consorting with the enemy. Nearly half of the people that I know read this work for Icano, and I'm reasonably sure that the two companies don't cooperate. But it'll be about a $2.00 raise, more in a month. So I'm happy with that. I'll be making money on par with management at Carl's Jr. Which means that there's only room to go up. So I'm pleased with that.

But today's been a waiting game, waiting for my illusive internet to return. So I've installed some things, and am cleaning up files and my room. I didn't even need to be asked, lol. I did get one very good thing done though, I managed to get a client that will run my MSN, AOL, and Yahoo chats at the same time. Not only at the same time, but I don't even need the programs, all I have to do is have the passwords/etc and I can tell this program to log on for me. It's beautiful. Now I can talk to all of my IM friends with one program!

Well, tomorrow I'm headed back to Layton for the weekend. It's a holiday, so my family wanted me back. I'll hopefully be scheduling an interview over the phone, because their website won't let me do it like they said it would... Oh, well...

Blue Shift is no match for the Opposing Force.

Ok, so that was sort of dumb. Luckily, as far as I know, none of you out there immediately get it and have to rely on me to explain. But I should have chosen a different headline, methinks.

So way back two weeks ago I bought Blue Shift/Opposing Force on the way back from Washington. For all of seven dollars it wasn't a bad deal, until we got home and Dad's computer decided that it didn't like it and thus wouldn't install it. I'm beginning to wonder if it's self-evolved or something... It played Half Life 2, which my computer (two years younger) wouldn't. But it wouldn't play these older games... Oh well.

The important thing is that my computer did. And Opposing Force definately lives up to the Half Life name. Though I'm going to have to run through Blue Shift again to make sure of my opinion. They each take place around the Black Mesa incident, but from different aspects of the story. In Half Life, you play this 20 year old MIT graduate in the advanced materials lab of this super top secret government facility. You have the most dangerous job because you're actually in the experiment, complete with plenty of radiation. Luckily for you, you have this radiation suit that keeps you more than adequately protected. Experiment goes crazy, scientists die, aliens invade, scientists die and you're sent to find help from the surface. Thus an adventure is born.

In Blue Shift, you get to be one of the guards during this incident. You're coming on shortly before the advanced materials experiment, but the base is already in severe disorder. You're late, equipment all over the base is malfunctioning, and you have to help nail things down and put them back in order. Eventually, the experiment happens and now your job is trying to keep as many of the scientists alive as possible, while simultaneously escaping yourself. You see more and different parts of the base and you do eventually escape.

In Opposing Force, you get to be one of the bad guys. No, you're not an alien. Gordon Freeman (you in Half Life & HL2) actually had to fight through a mess of Special Forces and Black Ops. Turns out that whoever is in charge of that aspect in the government was scared spitless about what was going down and ordered all Black Mesa personell, as well as anything else that's alive, executed. In Opposing Force, you come back as one of the special forces. You're flying in an Osprey, part of a fleet of who knows how many marines when you're attacked by some sort of enemy fighter. You get shot down, and are eventually rescued by Black Mesa personel. After that, you keep trying to regroup with your men, which evidently have gotten their collective asses kicked and are pulling out. Eventually you find out that not only is Black Ops there too, they're trying to kill YOU. So now their here to mop up you AND everything you were supposed to be doing. You fight through plenty of enemies and find places where the Black Mesa facility was studying the aliens. This is important to me because I had a feeling that some of the scientists in Half Life knew more than they should about something that's just now happening. At one point, very near the end. You find out that Black Ops has a nuclear warhead armed and are trying to destroy the base. You of course, disarm it. But this part, I didn't catch before. See, one of the trademarks for the Half Life series is this guy in a suit that is running around at the most convenient/inconvenient times. He's always just out of reach, and quite visable. Some times he helps, but he actually re-arms the nuke after you disarmed it. And worse yet, he always seems to taunt you...

So you go into the depths of the base only to have to fight the big bad boss of every first person shooter. Once that's done "the G-man" (that's actually what the grunts call him, no one knows his name, but they figure he's some form of government type because of the suit and tellin' everyone what to do. I've been thinking that he has to be working for something different. It's hard to say, he's not always bad, he just does what he thinks is necessary.) takes you on an Osprey and then tells you a little bit of what's going on. During the course of which the nuke goes off. He then does the same thing that he did to you in Half Life as Gordon Freeman and keeps you for future use. This is one of the things that's so mysterious. In Half Life, after you "win" he offers you a job. If you refuse, he puts you smack dab in the middle of a horde of aliens without your weapons. If you accept, which you basically have to, he tells you that he'll call on you when you're once again needed for something and you essentially black out. Similar thing happens in HL2. I've actually come to hate the guy...

I hope against hope that there will be a HL3, and that it will do a bit about explaining about this mysterious character. Essentially he's collecting warriors for some reason. At the end of HL2 it basically becomes apparent that you are his warrior, let out in times of trouble to aid a fight at a particular time. It's a real mystery.

Back in Logan.

So yeah, I'm back in Logan. Good thing I bought that game, 'cause I'd have nothing else to do right now. But it was interupted when Norton blocked an intrusion attempt. Normally that wouldn't be post worthy, it happens routinely while I'm surfing the net. Catch is that I wasn't just not on the net, when I tried to get on earlier it couldn't SEE the net.

So that was actually a good thing, go figure.

So I'm going to close with something quite interesting. This one's kinda funny because it references Shakespear and the Simpsons in an off sort of way. Scientists believe that names have something to do with the way our brains percieve smells. Now for the Shakespear quote that should be obvious by now: "A rose by any other name will smell as sweat." And Bart's retort? "Not if you call it a stink blossom."

Enjoy: http://www.abc.net.au/science/news/stories/s1371630.htm

Once again, Science catches up to common sense.

Am I the only one that HATED commercials stating that the sun kills and that you should lock your children inside to prevent skin cancer? Am I the only one that was sick at their disturbingly idiotic fearmongering? How many thousands of years have we endured on this planet WITHOUT shielding ourselves perpetually from the Sun's rays?

Well the Scientists have decided to catch up to something that can logically be concluded already: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/sunshine___cancer

They say that Vitamin D might not only be good for you, it might be great! 1 case of cancer for every 30 prevented, potentially. In fact, there's reason to believe that it lowers the risk of OTHER cancers as well (prostate, lung, etc.)

Go figure.

The problem is that you are all in here reading my blog, Fark.com, or chatting and working too much to see the light of day. Yes, I'm guilty of that to a degree as well, but I don't fear the sun! I know that I'm not a vampire.

Isn't it great when Scientists rediscover things that were already known, or things that made sense anyways? Next I want to see a study of the people that have tried Hemlock. The obvious conclusion will be that it's poisonous. I wonder how many years that study will take... This is why I don't have very much faith in doctors and scientists. They're so bound up in the system of discovering things that they RE-Question things that make sense, and bypass obvious conclusions for pointless answers.

...

"And now young Skywalker, you will..." Turn into Darth Vader.

Ok, so finally I can stop keeping the majority of my secrets from the majority of people. Didn't want to say it yesterday because I wanted to have fun with it first, but I got to see Ep: 3 today. Nope, not the midnight showing, but at 6:30 PM on the 18th. Just wanted to be among the first in the state to see it, and luckily we were able to.

I'm not going to spoil it, I haven't done that in six months, and it's even easier now. But I have read/seen everything I could get my hands on (without hurting myself) of the movie, and it didn't hurt my enjoyment at all. Actually, watching the Clone Wars cartoon that's been on Cartoon Network is almost necessary to understand the complete plot, in my opinion. But that's like reading Shadows of the Empire and other interlude's like that. You simply understand the evolution of the story better.

I just read a review by an MSN.com columnist. I recomend you not read such things until you've seen the movie for yourself. I've heard the fans complain about the series since Ep: 1. It's no different now. Trust me, it's well worth the money you'll spend to see it. No matter how many times you go. It does a great job at tying up the loose ends that most people have. Trust me, I'm a really in depth fan here (not nearly as much as some, but much more than a lot that I know) and this tied up ALL of the loose ends that I could think of. If you want answers to your several years worth of questions (possibly decades worth for some of you older fans) you'll get them.

IF you still have loose ends that you feel weren't adequately handled, I'd love to hear about them. I just want to know what I'm missing.

Oh, yeah, don't worry about the ending, we all mostly know the story. That's the problem with doing something based off of history, or at least a prequil story: "The boat sinks, everybody dies." Not 100% accurate in either case, but it pretty much sums it up. If my headline blew it for you, you definately should have watched the originals first...

"Every Jedi is now an enemy of the Republic."

So awesome. Can't you just about taste it? It's Episode III. It's here in one more day. Sweetness.

I better get this down before I forget, though. I just finished a book that my brother wanted me to read. One that I didn't enjoy all that much. It had a pretty interesting premise, but it had way too many strikes against it by the end. First of all, the author's other acredited works involved death, dying, or evil. Only about 9 out of 10 of them. Which in and of itself isn't so much, but she's writing children's books. Strike one, at least, not a very good one - but still. Number two? She's preaching in her book. Heir Apparent, the book that I'm talking about here, is "dedicated for, but no patience with, those who would protect our children through humorless moralizing and paranoia about fantasy." All of the punctuation is my own addition in that quote. While I can appreciate the making of a statement (duh, this is me we're talking about), and even that it's in a book, I don't really think that putting that sort of political activism in a CHILDREN'S BOOK is a great way to go about it. First of all, I think they hardly care as a whole, and second of all their hardly in a position to change it. But more than the dedication, the whole reason the plot exists and is in the problem that it lies, is because of an anti-fantasy protesting group rampaging through a futuristic arcade. Strike two. Strike three, while admittedly personal, is that the main character reminds me of my Ex. Yes, a very trite thing for the rest of you (I'll have you know that no matter how good Heir Apparent might be, I wouldn't have recommended it to you unless you were of younger stature anyways.), but essentially you'll have to have known the person, and then read it. If you knew her like I knew her, and knew her before this whole mess that occured, I think you could see the resemblence. It grated on my nerves very much. It at first reminded me of one of my newer friends, but this character lacked any self-confidence what-so-ever unless it was done compelely unconsciously.

Ok, now that I'm done giving it its three strikes, it was ok. Though it pained me a few times, I did like some of the things that developed towards the end. Irony, DND and other nerd stuff. C'mon, it's about a fantasy game, no matter what, it's going to be compared to my fantasy game staple. I did like some of the concepts and characters introduced, but I didn't like one of the statements made towards the end, and the unbeatability of the game. Grr... I guess I don't have very many good things to say at all without revealing the story, but there's some good in anything. Some humor to be found.

Moving on, I'm just driveling it out my mouth now in a fine drool. Lovely image to be sure, I can't help but laugh in anticipation.

Star Wars is cool, don't knock it until you've tried it. We watched Episode II today in preparation. We'll be very much on the edge of our seats. And Clone Wars came out with their episodes last Friday taking you from Ep: 2 up to the beginning of Ep: 3. Sorry if you missed it. I think we got a great deal of it recorded, but probably not the beginning. A bummer, but still. And I almost spoiled something for my family today. It's not fair. My dad made a comment about Count Dukoo being a good actor/liar because he was playing both sides of the table in Ep: 2. Grr...

I have to cut there so I don't spoil it for YOU! Carry on.

"Stay on target, stay on target!"

What does this mean to you?

I know what this represents to me, but what is it telling you? It's a survey about the press from both workers in media, and from common folks who aren't. Statistically speaking, I find it wanting in a couple of regards, but it's actually quite well put together.

http://www.editorandpublisher.com/eandp/news/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1000920962

Lost.

Ever experienced something that appauled you so much that it sapped your very strength? That you just didn't know what to say because it flies in the face of reason so much that it should never have happened? Well it's time to experience that again.

I'm sure most of you have heard of the article published by Newsweek that claimed that interrogaters in Guantanamo Bay had desecrated the Qu'ran. And if not, the gist of it is that they put a few copies on toilets in sepparate incidents and in one incident they flushed it. Of course the Islamic world was greatly outraged. I'm not entirely sure their response was justified, but still the outrage is.

So guess what happened today, shortly after many clerics in Afghanistan warned of Jihad if Bush didn't properly appologise? Newsweek stood up and said "Whoops, my bad, it was an honest mistake."

Great. Honest mistake. Much like what went on in Abu Ghirab? Something so horrible that it caused fuel to the fire, and can be linked to at least 17 deaths in the last few days. Whoops, my bad?! New insurgents ransacked humanitarian envoys over this. 17 people are dead and more injured and threatened because of this, simultaneously causing the largest incident in Afghanistan in at least a year. Honest mistake? What the hell? How can you even consider publishing something like that unless you have the photographs of it? Unless you have one of the people that was there? Did they get their info through the internet? Or just through e-mail?

How can that not just sicken someone? It's put more of our soldiers at risk, and all this from something that people look to for getting trustworthy information. Something I daresay you shouldn't any longer. Yeah, it's ok to make mistakes, but what was all the mess over Rather for? Something much less severe than this, as I recall. It's fine to have different numbers from a death toll, or to have slightly different facts from another news agency. What isn't fine is rushing to the world with evidence of how evil the US is and it being COMPLETELY MADE UP!

I just can't help but be sickened. Those of you that are against the US and its actions, fine, good for you. Freedom of speech protects even the incorrect or misguided. That counts when I'm in that boat, too. But you can't sit there anylonger and claim that the Media is bipartisan. You can't claim that it supports the truth and merely cares about reporting facts without spin. I've given it the benefit of the doubt more than once and I can't say that I've ever been proven wrong. Our people are dying for the lies that are being printed, now. You wish Bush had never sent our soldiers into Iraq, fine. Don't you think supporting the lies that kill our soldiers is the wrong way to approach something like that?

Disgusting. It's always a wonder on how someone thinks that brute force will change the mind. That's it, wail on us with your "truths" that we are wrong, that they are right, that we are evil, and they are freedom fighters. Go for it, I've heard it all. But I stand here and see articles printed without any proof what-so-ever killing our soldiers just as effectively as any bomb, bullet, or machete.

This is freedom of the presses at it's worst. I'm all for freedom of speech, but there are reparrations to be had when you are libelous or slanderous, so what happens when you falsely support and print news that gets your countrymen murdered? What happens when those lies that you made an "honest mistake" of printing result in the looting of good, honest, humanitarian aide that seeks to rebuild the countries that were left in ruins? Who pays that price?

BTW, all of the quotes there are pulled from video I watched of a Newsweek spokesman using those exact words. You can find it on www.msn.com under their videos section, about the bottom of the screen "Video Highlights". Do some digging and decide for yourself. I think I'll go be sick somewhere else, now.

Orson's rant take II

Well the reaction to his article was just, I can't say that I've heard any support at all for his ill thought out attacks. A local paper here did post a rebuttle, however, and masterfully done I might add. I couldn't help at smile, it's very well put together countering his points at each sentence. Anyways, you read it for yourself:

http://www.sltrib.com/opinion/ci_2735808

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Ever get in a situation that you can't say what's on your mind to the person that needs to hear it? I hate that part of being tactful and calculating. You wait in drawing the line in a shady situation until it is clear, lest you find yourself on the wrong side of the table. But sometimes I know what the answer is, and hold my peace.

Such is this latest case. I've ranted about it to my family, but they already knew. And now I wish nothing more than to go back in time and say exactly what was on my mind.

I won't, likely. These things can't be solved in this manner for some reason... I don't understand why. It would be so much easier...

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I'm getting back into my writing, soon. I have a few more immediate things to worry about, but with a fanfic concept coming out of the demise of Star Trek and my newest character, I'm starting to hone in my skills. Yes, it's my least favorite type of creative writing. I think there is much to be desired when you end up playing with someone else's imaginary world. But in this case I'm barely using the precepts they gave and am generating my own story. No, I know it sounds like Battlestar Galactica, but I'm doing more than just use the name. Sure, I'm straying just a bit from the intent, but there will be plenty for fans to know that it's still very much the same...

Until next time.

Ray's Day.

Today was Ray's funeral. All the way out in Price.

I don't have a huge amount to say, many of you were there, only few weren't.

They gave typical last words. Things you might hear on the news, or read about. All of it true. He was a good guy, caring, funny, all of those things. I even got up to speak at one point, realising that if I didn't do it I would never get another chance. Realising that my own unique story and perspective would help aide in telling his story. As much heat as the fellow's drawn from me and my friends lately, I think it likened much to a Speaker for the Dead ceremony from the same book.

It's amazing sometimes how well you can know a situation. I don't know, maybe I'm the only one who can really do it. There was so much to learn, family and friends that I still don't know. Each with much the same views of the guy. At least he didn't turn out to be of the two-facedness that you hear and experience so much. He was genuine, real, and a wonderful person.

I got up to speak, as I mentioned, but missed making the point that I had really intended. I told the story, a bit, of how Ray got his name. Some who had heard it from others, and then from me, felt that I cleaned it up. I didn't. If you heard him called "The sore ass" instead of Thesaurus, that's just more of the play on words. In context it was just as I said it until we wrapped our punful little minds around it. But the point in telling how awestruck and honored I saw him was to point out that I felt he would be like that there. Most hit it on the nose thinking that he would crack a joke to lighten the mood. But I think he was there in that humble honor. We greatly honored his memory today, and his life. I think he would have loved it.

I saw and felt things as many did there. Things that when you talk about them are scoffed at. But during the ending portion of the sermon, the lights did flicker. Those who attended didn't feel lonely, or cold. They felt Ray. I'm sorry if you don't believe in that, that's your opinion and I do greatly respect it. Yes, at this point it very well could be my own superstitions. But a few of us had that same feeling, independant of prompting. So believe what you will.

I feel that he was there, I know that he was honored. And I think that he might even have cried there today.

To be honest, I am very glad I was there. And I'm very, very, sorry to those that couldn't attend who wished to. I didn't feel an overwhelming saddness by being there. I felt very much at peace.

As I said when I spoke in closing, it was a trap. Whatever that may be.

And I personally liked someone elses take on it. Paraphrased it was something like: "I don't think he's gone, I just think he's gone through that stargate thing to explore new worlds." The light at the end of the tunnel, I suppose. To morbid for some people, but I was very greatful for the experience.

Obituaries.

Ironically I've been found reading the obituaries in the newspaper before. Well, that is if anyone caught me. It's not really a morbid fascination or anything like that. It sort of stems from trying to substantiate even a sliver of what is thrown about in the media. Trying to see what the demographic of that sort of thing is, and how many of my brothers and sisters right here at home have perished in our wars.

I've been oft pleased to find that I have never once found someone that I've known, or that I felt was "robbed" of some time in their life. Always someone older, even if it's only in their forties. Someone that unfortunately died of disease, but mostly of "natural" causes. But now I find a friend amongst that. If you worry about my coping, fear not. I don't really have trouble coping with their death. I merely have to cope with the unspoken goodbyes or the fact that I will never laugh with them again. It's easy, I suppose, when you've said goodbyes to countless others before you.

I'm merely spending this time with Ray's passing to try to understand things a bit more. The last time I experienced this was my mother's mom whom I actually knew had passed. Well I more judged it from my mother's reaction. Her shock meant only one thing to me, and for some reason I've never had the standard difficulties with that. I'm just trying to get into the cliche of it, I suppose. It's just time to reflect on the moments you have with those that you know and love and know and love you. To not waste a moment. Kind of odd that it was Ray. He was so loved, and there just seems like there should have been someone else. But what happened, was meant to happen and could not have happened any other way.

I just wanted to post his obituary (http://www.sunad.com/index.php?tier=1&page=obits#2), so that you could know a little bit about the man that I'm talking about. Most of my silent readers out there knew him, and the few others that I know read this jargon didn't. It's up to you, it's a moment in my life, and you can share it or not.

After this post I can only really see it being the majority of my post after his funeral on Thursday...

Off to see if I can't save a friend. Kind of interesting how I run into these types of problems. I suppose they're common enough that I should, a true test of everything I am perhaps. Sorry to end a bit ambiguously. I hope the few of you that I have been able to share it with realize what my friends realize to me. But perhaps I never get around to letting you all know...

Thesaurus has passed on.

This post is in honor of one of my good friends who apparently has passed on this last Wednesday. I don't know much (or any) of the details with any certainty, and I am greatly saddened by his departure.

Ray Graham apparently died last Wednesday. He was one of the four of us that went to L.A. My once in a life time event that he was able to share. The one that I begged and pleaded to get off of work. Now I know why it was so important that I be there. To tell the truth, I suppose I learned the most about Ray that weekend, I certainly was able to like him more.

We came up with a name for him that weekend, Thesaurus. Those who know the joke will understand, but I've not seen someone that proud for a long time. He thought it was the coolest thing in the world.

Sorry, this is going to be random memories of him. Cruel whimsy fate. But his sense of humor was never lacking, and his creative genious. He drew art better than most that I know, and I only know a few that can draw so well. He had a unique sense of humor. Blends of the best, in my opinion. He coupled sarcasm with so much more. I suppose that's what people will remember him by, his sense of humor. If he spoke out, it was usually that, at least that I saw.

So I'll remember that. The fact that the whole time we were in Vegas, we all laughed. That the only time I ever saw him upset resulted in more laughter. "You've failed me for the last time, Dick."

It's just going to be hard knowing that I'm not going to laugh like that again. That I won't see him again. He was such a neat guy. I can't stress that enough.

But I suppose, like always lately, my thoughts are too jumbled for you to make sense of.

Just know that one of my best friends has passed on to something new, where no living man has gone before.

It gives a little bit of insight into the world around you, not to be cliche or anything. But I suppose I will see him again on Thursday, if things go accordingly...

Holy freaking cow.

Y'know, I liked the guys books. I even liked listening to him for about twenty minutes. But now I can pretty much see that the guy's an ass. I've spoken with someone in one of his seminars who tells the story of how he called her a "whore". And now I've read his commentary and how much of an idiot he is. Sorry, it's my opinion, but it's true. And to give a bit of a side note here, I've loved the books of his that I've read. So who is this mystery author? Orson Scott Card. Yup, he was born in Utah, is a devout Mormon (at least in his public face, I wouldn't give you much more than his talks and his book series for evidence to that end).

His crime? http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-card3may03,0,6007802.story?coll=la-news-comment-opinions

He wrote a commentary on the death of Star Trek, who cares that it's negative? It's that he's got it all wrong. He claims that the only reason that it took off like it did is because no one was reading the great science fiction of the time (among those on his list are Niven and Asimov, nope never heard of them - that was sarcasm if you couldn't tell) because the fans are idiots. More or less. I can't believe it. His opinions are his, but to claim such a long run that he claims sucked is bent on the illiteracy of idiot fans is appalling. Especially since most of those "idiot fans" have read and loved his own works. It's great when the uninformed start to rag on the little guys that are listening. The little guys that really are informed and not so little. I guess the fuckwit's spent too much time on the East coast for his own good. Ironically writing for the LA Times... I know that everyone gets to express their opinion, but a requisite should be that they have SOME reason for commenting other than pissing off one of the largest fanbases in the world. Especially when much of his own revenue undoubtedly rests in that same genre.

Judge for yourself, that's why I posted the article. He's definately pissed me off though. And like I said, it's not because he hates the show, many "fans" misguidedly despise the latest incarnation. It's that he's labeled us as illiterate idiots that wouldn't know good Sci-Fi if it bit them in the ass. I know plenty of fans that are just as big fans of Asimov and friends. Way to go, Card, way to show your litterary skills by showing that you have no intelligence or insight at all.

I'll come back later when I'm not peeved still.

"...and another one gone, and another one gone..."

Two seems to be my least favorite number lately. I could get into a huge paper on it right about now, but I won't. But everything comes in twos. Two diametrically opposed things. Two more books.

I bought two more books today, and now I'm on a hunt. I'm refraining from buying something that I've seen every day of my life. Those will be easy to come by. But I bought Plato's Republic, a ten book series on justice and other things. I've only ever seen the one, it was hardback, sound familiar? That and I went back in and picked up Edgar Allen Poe's complete works. At least that's what the book boasts. My library has grown significantly in the last four months. From a paper list to owning, outright, at least seven of the items on my list. I think it's going to become my hobby. People keep asking me what it is, and I suppose this will work.

I find that some things that I have given up on are still possible. I had narrowed my approach so far down that I had neglected the leeway that I left myself. Silliness. By tomorrow I could very well have my driver's license. I won't dare to say anything more than it could happen. I've given too many assurances that haven't come true lately...

And if that falls through, I've already applied at Convergys and had a response. For some of my readers, it could be consorting with the enemy. For many who know of it, it's flirting with insanity, but I think it's a hell of a lot better than working for Carl's Jr. anymore.

BTW, yesterday was my last day, officially. And probably good, too. I wanted nothing more than just one handgrenade Saturday. Something I don't feel needs to be elaborated on without prompting.

But I have a long list of things to read, and few excuses. No wonder being a monk was a full time job. So much...

It will be neat, after all, I'll have the whole summer to read something. Summer's usually my reading area anyways. Exhausting all of my other alternatives to boredom, I get quite a bit read. I read the entirety of the Bellgariad over the course of a few months, not constant reading, but still. That's at least five, a few over my traditional average.

Anyways, I have my Stat final at one in the afternoon tomorrow. And then a driver's test (in theory), so I should sleep and not stay up 'till six in the morning like today... You didn't read that, go back aobut your business.