So close and then gone like the wind...

You almost had me world, I can't believe I almost fell for it.

Here I am, reading the news, and I'm reading about Lebanon's government resigning without any sort of humanitarian incident. I'm reading about Japan's successful rocket launch that might give them faith enough to establish their own space program complete with astronauts and a moon base (which brings up a comment about their one failed launch in seven with this vehicle, ask me about it.)

And then here we go: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,148849,00.html

Straight out of the "How in the flying f*ck dumb can one state be files" we have this out of Florida for a student flicking a rubber band NEAR his teacher. He's been charged with a "Class IV offense" which basically puts him in the same light as a drug dealer because he "attempted assault" with that deadly rubberband. I mean really, folks, I know that I don't even need to tell you how and why that's so stupid, and if I do... E-mail me, please, and I'll be happy to explain it to you. So the child is potentially going to be expelled from his school for it. That's it, he's another marine sharpshooter on the way. Uncle Sam needs bad boy rubber band shooting loonies for the army. Give me a break...

But I guess the redeeming factor of thousands of incedents of stupidiy like that lays in the fact that another country might actually be free to choose what they want, and it didn't take anyone's strong-arm but their own. It's amazing how often that's the case... Lebanon is joining the ranks of countries making their own choices now. It's ironic to me since Marx outlined the "world wide" revolution that would bring Communists into power and throw down the evils of capitalism and democracy. But it seems to be quite the opposite. It seems that Democracy is finally making it into countries that should have always had it. It's making it into places that have fought it in one way or another for hundreds of years. It gives me a little bit of hope to see Iraq's elections succeed, to see Egyptians question their abusive government and Lebanon come out and shout their government right out of the office. Hopefully nothing but good will come from this. You never know, we might actually be able to have a coalition of unified world powers in the near future. That would be an end all, be all way down the line, probably. But it's not a bad goal to have, is it?

Not all that glitters is gold,

Not all that wander are lost...

But I sure seem to be lately. That's alright, I'm getting tired of it, time to do some changing. Nothing bad, I'm just not up for spending more of my weekends wondering why I'm at home and alone. I can stand being alone, that's easy, but being all cooped up at home complaining to myself that I'm home, alone, is stupid and I'm just starting to get around to changing that.

It's been a little tougher seeing parts of my world warp off and other parts just simply dematerialize for no reason. I'm hoping to be able to catch up on and find out about all that in time, but time won't let me for now. I can simultaneously have too much time and not enough. The second I say "Where did all of the time go?" I have more than I need and as soon as it's gone, I need it... I hate time. If I could make time follow an average and standard path, I would have no problem doing all of the things I want to in a timely manner... But it simply won't cooperate... Oh well...

I read another end of the world thing yesterday, yeah, they do get old after a while. This one says some "Galactic Superwave Event" will send all of these UFOs our way to save us, basically like Christs' second coming. Not all that impressive. Scary sounding, but not a whole lot of credibility with even the crackpot evidence they were using... But coincedentally, three days later there is going to be a total solar eclipse, I think it was over parts of eastern Europe. It kinda makes you think... The guys' sorce of info for the most part was Nostrodamus, go figure... But that's March 26, 2006 if you wanted to mark the date and laugh with me and a few others... Then the eclipse is the 29th.

Other than that, not too much going on. Just struggling to get time to cooperate with me and let me put my feet on the ground. I realised that part of it was my mentality. I haven't quite been grasping that I'm on my own now. For somereason in the back of my mind I'm thinking that this is temporary and in a while I'll just go home and this is just another chapter. Not really catching that now I get to write my own book, and have been for a while... Kinda odd. I can't seem to get my consciousness to understand certain things that it needs to... Don't know how to explain that better, anyways...

T-minus one week...

So, we meet again. Once a year you have haunted me, only to return yet again this year. All I have to say is: Do your worst!

It's Fiday, end of Captain Obvious mode... And I have nothing to do all weekend, as usual. That's ok, it's easier with a computer, but I think I'm going to go out and do something, none-the-less. I don't know what, but I'm going to look into it anyways...

Work was pretty aweful last night, I didn't get home until one in the morning... There was an Aggies game, and we won, so it ended up being like a Friday/Saturday night, not a Thursday night... Kinda sucky, but oh well...

Today there is going to be a rally at the Z-24 TV station. They're going to be there to support Star Trek in a dark hour of impending cancellation. I wish I could be there because it sounds like loads of fun, but I'm not going to be able too. Good luck you guys, do us fans proud, don't get arrested, and have fun.

BTW, I was just thinking about Aliens in the Rockies because I have plans for buying a gun, eventually (a paintball gun... sheesh...) And it just occured to me that unless they move the location, I'm only going to be like 20 minutes or so from it... Kinda cool, and a big improvement. But I wouldn't know where to put you if you're looking at staying at my place... We have a floor, but that doesn't look so promising with all of the furniture... But I'm excited for that even though it's going to be in August... Far, far away...

I can't really think of anything Earth-shattering, as usual. I was just kinda shootin' the breeze. "Die, Breeze, die!" But there you go, something to waste your time with.

Oh my goodness.

I have in my possession internet gold. Via the internet I have procured a great deal of what is to come out of Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. In good taste, I don't tempt you with this evil, but because some of you might want it, and not have it... I'm telling you that I do have it. AND IT'S FREAKING AWESOME!

Anyways... I think I'm finally shifting into life up here, the dead giveaway: I'm almost constantly bored... Oh well, I do my best...

I'll post more when I have more, but I had to taunt your good sense with that little tidbit about the movie...

Now this is what I call Pergatory.

It's been a really slow couple of days compared to the hustle of the weekend. I just kind of coasted through yesterday, and now with the rest of my classes cancelled for the day, I get to busy myself until 2:30 when there's a lecture from an engineer (the reason for my last class being cancelled).

I guess there's work down the road hours from then, but whatever.

My group still hasn't responded to my two e-mails. That's why yesterday was a bust. But I guess that gave me the excuse I needed to get in touch with friends of old and a possible new one by accident...

And today it gives me an excuse to work on my DND characters at the computer lab. I'm rather excited for the up and coming games. Xalxonai's the highest level, and possibly most powerful, character I've ever had (at a stout 18th level). And I'm going to get to play a concept character that I've wanted to for a couple of years. I guess that's down the road for months, and I won't have the wings that I wanted... But it will do just fine, I think.

Other than that? Nothing. I was up until two last night because I couldn't sleep and I knew I should have been able to... But that hasn't really affected me any, so that's good.

I just feel like I'm in the wrong place these days. Sure, it's where I've always wanted to be, but I feel that I'm needed elsewhere. And being set upon by the simple nature of situations out here is hardly motivation to stay. But I will, I really must. I've worked so hard to be here. I think only some divine manifestation of God's will would allow me a guilt free change of life. And that's something I haven't gotten yet.

I'll just trudge along like always. Tonight should be better, I'll be at work with people that can't escape me. Lol.

And being better fed helps, too. I can thank my always concerned mother for that one...

Here we go again.

Man, they just can't give me a break, can they?

It looks like this next week I'm going to have to seriously persue another job... I got in serious trouble at work for something that I "didn't" do...

I "didn't" tell them that I wasn't going to work on Saturday, and then just decided to not come in. I "didn't" tell them a freaking week ago, exactly, that I would need someone to cover that shift. I "didn't" ask someone to cover it, or tell anyone about it (same person who covered for me Friday night, but whom I knew wouldn't be able to cover Satuday), and NO ONE HAS ANY RECOLLECTION OF ANY OF THAT...

I'm a bit frustrated because my most reliable source, who saw me post the note, is in Arizona until tomorrow... So when I posted my note for my two weeks notice for the next days that I will get off, I made sure someone saw me. I guess that over the next two weeks I'm just going to post it again and again because they've given me my final warning. Just so I do it this time.

I mean, how does that even happen? Two guesses: someone was dumb and didn't read it and simply tossed it, or someone maliciously got rid of it... Hmmm...

Whatever, I don't really care. If they fire me for it, I'll protest to as many people as I can, all the way up the chain. What am I supposed to do? Babysit the note? I did as much as I could and they screwed up, note that I'm cleaning this up from the frustrations that I'm really experiencing...

But on a lighter note I had a pretty good weekend. Some cool stuff happened, my mom spoiled me, and I got to see my friends and family...

But the drama continues... And it goes on and on and on and...

I think it's almost like a greater will that's trying to make me quit, it wants me to stop caring about what's going on, about people. I don't think I will, I don't think I can... But it gets really hard sometimes... But then you only have to worry if you're causing it. And I don't mean tellng me about it, I mean causing it.

My group still hasn't contacted me, so it looks like I'm just going to hang out around the apartment tomorrow... Maybe I'll make up a history for my character... Yeah, one of my other friends is going to be taking over in a couple of months, so I get to be a good guy again, and I even get to play something that I've wanted to for a while...

Mr. Personality: It IS a small world, after all.

I know. I'm evil for making that song appear into your mind, nay, your very soul. You will have it stuck in there for the next while now, but it couldn't be any more true today.

So I'll try to explain it as short and to the point as possible, but I'm tying in two events that are two years apart:

Two years ago when I was in debate, I was in my second tournament with one of my friends at the time and we were doing congress. Ah, congress, a group of bloodsucking politicians and popularity freaks that think they know how best to run the country, er, that's about the round... I don't think it's like that as much anymore... Anyways, to cut to the chase, we switched the chairman for the second round, or something of the like, and my friend was removed from the chambers as a nuisance, or something like that, and obstruction, that was it. Now that leaves our "team" underhanded because the point is to use the senators, etc, from your school as home team to curry support and favor. Well during the break before all of this happens, a young lady in the team came and told us all about it so we knew it was coming, and became an ally later when we had him reinstated by force. Or at least you would have thought so if you saw the crockidile tears...

Fast forward to the present...

I'm in Chemistry, the lecture portion, and this gal and I start chatting it up (different gal). We start talking at random about she needs a turtle or something like that and then we leave talking. While we're out on the walk getting ready to go our seperate ways, her roomate shows up. Turns out that the roommate is this same girl that I met at the tournament two years ago. And not only that, she's in at least half of my classes and now she, I, and one other guy are doing a project together in Design. The whole re-acquaintance with the past and the project thing just happened this morning, because she remembered me and my friend from the tournament. It's completely freaking amazing, actually. I'm now a firm believer in slim chances. I mean, honestly, the odds of all of that happening are astronomical (quote Han Solo here), and for it to be anything else she'd have to do some serious stalking, since I think I can count on one hand how many people know my whole schedule through and through (as in could have told someone to sign up with the same ones). It's just mind boggling to think about, actually, especially since she just switched her major this semester... I mean, really, it'd be quite creepy and eerie if it weren't chance... I would almost say that it's fate, but that would make it creepy in a way...

Anyways... It's odd...

As for the Mr. Personality part, that's my description from two of the customers at Carl's. But not just any two, they're my PR people that are spreading my name around town. They blame me completely and solely for coming to the store anymore, and joked about it if they had to file a lawsuit, they'd blame me for making them fat... Anyways, they're pretty cool. It's spreading I think... Kinda odd and cool...

But I have to e-mail my team. We're "building" a super yacht with our software. Something like it's going to run off of fusion and be submersible (this other guy actually found a website that gave him the idea for the submersible yacht). I get to design the power plant and drive portions of the "Yub", yeah, I think that's what I'll call it... I'm excited and have a couple of proposals already lined up.

Also... Probably the last thing then I'll let you stop being lost and confused... I went to a Chimera meeting yesterday (the school's rocket team) and met some people. It was a meeting to design a recovery trailer to go pick up (pieces of) the rocket. Actually, it hopefully won't be in more pieces than two... Anyways, it's kinda neat because it's a combination professional and teen project. A whole bunch of punks that have some experience building rockets. It's kinda neat... Anyways... Sounds like NASA, actually....

Kidding...

Tip #2: ...

I couldn't really think of a tip, but I got another one. Not much again, but at this rate maybe I should just put out a jar... Lol. I think that would be funny.

Last night was pretty good again, but I'm beginning to show physical signs of wear. I'm glad that I'll have the chance to go home this weekend, presumably anyways. I think I might be developing something in my calves, (other than them just being sore), and no matter how long I sleep, I seem to wake up tired mostly... And I don't think that I've woken up with anything less than a minor ache since I moved into town. But I should get used to it. I'm just horribly out of shape.

I managed to meet Juan's girlfriend last night, though I can only tell you that her name starts with the letter "N". Not only am I horrible with names, I could hardly pronounce it in the first place. But she has a similar personality to Juan's. Very open, etc. We talked for about half an hour or so until Juan basically kept falling asleep because of the late hour, and she absolutely insists that I call them if I need a ride from work from now on. On threat of physical harm, actually. I told them that I had a nice 45 minute walk home from work in the cold and she nearly exploded with disbelief (you should have seen it, if she had actually exploded I might be a roommate less and have to clean up that mess), but I assured her that it wasn't so big as she made it seem. It did come up again as she was leaving "Well if Justin can do 45 minutes, I can handle 5." She gets cold going out to her car from the apartment, apparently, so it was a little funny. But it's nice to talk to someone who isn't a statue. I think that my #1 complaint about the people of this area (and work especially) is that they have NO sense of humor. If you tease, they hate you; you wise-crack; make a standard joke; make fun and laugh at yourself... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. It's quite a pain because I mostly just find something to do, and a lot of the time I spend more time conversing with customers because at least THEY have a sense of humor... One thing that I miss about the Layton store, they new how to laugh...

Anyways, I'm off today for who knows why, and I'm not really complaining... But I work a long shift tomorrow, a day shift again. So we'll see how that goes...

I'm going to have to write something soon, my brain itches for it. I keep shifting between trying to see if I've lost my spontaneous poet ability and writing some sort of monologue... You'll see it if I do...

Silent Night, Crystal Night.

Yeah, long walk home in the snow, but it was kind enough to halt for my long journy homeward.

The night was better, but I'm wondering if there was a full moon... Everyone was having some sort of a bad day today, a bit of irony on St. Valentine's Day. And no, I didn't just spring chipper when I got to work. It's when I got off of my break that things started to be better for no reason. And then an hour or so after that I got my first tip. Yup, I had to boast about it because it's my first one ever. $1.25. Nothing to write home about really, I'll send you to the dollar store, but I'm writting home about it anyways. It was kind of shocking really, this couple had been sitting there and I just acted like I always do at work, and when I went to clear their tray away it was just sitting there... It got me thinking about having some sort of mandatory tip for the huge families that just have their four year olds to frescoes of various sauces and salt... We had plenty of those tonight, but it was still cool to get.

Now I just need to tackle a few other problems...

But the walk home was nice, too. It was crystal clear all the way to the mountains, hence the title. And the snow wasn't aweful, I could have survived better not walking, maybe. My knees are killing me, but that's cool, it's just because I've been on my feet for about the last 7 hours or so... But anyways, I need to hit the sack, 6AM is going to come quickly and it's gunna be another long day ahead. Hopefully an all around better one...

Snow and Life.

Today's not a good day. I've been staving off the vibes for at least a month now, but it's finally taken it's toll. I'm managing to be angry at everything and nothing today in a slueth of pent up, baseless, frustrations. I can't shake them, and I don't know why. I can only think that in some twisted way, I don't want to get over them...

So on the way home from my continued attempt to rid myself of my not so pleasant past, I came up with a wonderful and dark analogy for life: Snow. Or more specifically water. Taking today as an example, the snow is falling again after a nearly month long interlude. Some people would rejoice, and I did this morning until my own storm set in. But what people aren't realizing is the obvious. It's covering up the dirty snow. I guess that could be taken as a redemption theme, but the dirt is still there. It's not washed away, it's buried. I am beginning to think that is how the world opperates, like with the majority of people. We just bury the dirt until we soil ourselves again and start to burrying again... I have specific examples, but I'm trying to divert my mood by posting here. But think about the ice, too. It's perfect, you trapse along on the fresh snow of the sidewalk, all pure and unassuming, and what happens? It turns to ice. And when you come by and do what you did earlier, you fall on your ass. You just continue putting pressure on something until it turns to ice and then, WHAM, you're on your ass wondering what you ever did to deserve that. Ironic, huh?

I'm only buying into half of the garbage I'm spewing here, but stop and think about it next time your gallavanting through the snow. There are consequences for every action, good or bad; seen or unseen.

Like one of the pebbles in my mountainous mood was an article in the Statesman, the campus paper. They printed (their opinion) an article on Valentine's Day and it's bad press with "loners" on how it's all their fault that they should lower their standards because no one cared. I nearly screamed when I read that. I'm not one of the "losers" or "downers" that hates Valentine's DAy, I just sit and smirk at people spending thousands of dollars on a tiny ring. I know, I might be one of those someday, but hopefully not. If I have to do that for love then it isn't worth it. I give mine freely, shouldn't the return be true? I know that some of you do it to symbolize, and that's grand for you, but everything is different. Anyways, I have half a mind to send them a letter on the subject. It's a childish sort of elitistness that you think you'd escape from. Instead of them telling you that there's still hope, they tell you to lower your standards, I just love people, don't you?

I'm mainly venting because I'm ours away from my nearest friends. None of this is really directed at anyone in particular, but it's something that I needed to say... And it helped a little bit, but now I need to go to work... I'll know it's really bad if I'm still angry at work, because that almost never happens... Anyways, I'll be my normal self tomorrow, probably... Charming or otherwise.

Google Hacking, La Chupa-thingy and instant petrification...

I felt it was kinda important to people when they mentioned identity theft... Here you go, Google is so awesome that it can help people hack into your secured websites. Watch out DOD.

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=575&e=18&u=/nm/column_pluggedin_dc

La Chupacabra found in New Mexico... Not really, just something that could resemble it that no one knows what it is...

Ours no longer need to go to 11. Science can do in days what it takes nature centuries to do. Petrification and its potential uses:

http://www.pnl.gov/news/2005/05-03.htm

For I walked through the valley of the shadow.

It's kind of interesting walking in the middle of a crouded city when no one is around. And for some reason it takes me back to zombies. I keep seeing myself in some crossed version of Dawn of the Dead and Halflife 2. It's a little odd to be waiting for masses of zombified college students, but I don't think I'm so far off. But I just can't shake that feeling as I walk to work. I'm not hiding, but if anyone's out there, it's me and the cars, mostly. I only walk past two or three people EVER, and they seem like the same ones. It takes me back to Ravenholm...

And that's how it was on the way to and from work today. Waiting for the zombies. I have nothing better to do, and there isn't much to think about... But it seems that there is a fear of the outdoors here... Up on campus everyone is out in the open, walking, or the few that ride their bikes... But down in the streets, the avenues and the straight aways, you couldn't catch anyone alive out on the street. It doesn't do much to subdue the thoughts when the crows of Ravenholm craw in my ears...

But it does make for a fun and interesting walk...

I have Solid Edge v15 on my computer now. I've long wanted a 3-d modeling software that I could use (having it was easy, just neve knew how to use it). I have some fun things lined up for it. If I can ever find the time. It's amazing how much time existing seems to take up. Between work and school and sleep there isn't much time for anything else. It's a wonder that I get anything done. The days are running together and not for the lack of something to do, I can assure you that.

And if you're waiting for my coming rant, I haven't hit the news yet, but it does turn out that the lady and the baby thing was a hoax. The lady that "found" the baby was apparently the mother... Which I can't understand what's up with that because CNN reported that the baby's condition improved to "serious", meaning that when it got there it was more serious... I don't know what's up with that... Sheesh... And it figures that the one thing that I jump on happens to be a hoax... Oh well.

I suppose I should work on my Chem lab homework and my drafting homework... So I'll leave you with that for now.

On the importance of... Oh forget it!

Lol, I guess it's a tad harder to do than I thought, I could do it, but I don't care so much anymore... Anyways...

I am posting for the first time from my new abode. That's right, I have the internet and my desktop all set up in my room. All that's left is a little to do about conveniance: like I could use a table at least and a chair so that I'm a bit more comfortable...

But I met the other roomate this morning. I say this morning because I didn't get home until early again because of work, but it worked out because I managed to meet Juan, and he's a cool guy. We talked for about an hour to get things settled out and find out a little bit about each other. It was pretty funny because he might as well have said, "Nice to meet you, welcome to the family" because in the course of that conversation he made repeated assurances that I'd meet his girlfriend at some point and even suggested that I might hook up with her cousins or something. It was really kinda funny, but I'm glad that my reservations were misplaced. And he's quite similar to my personality, in baser levels. He shares a similar level of paranoia about people breaking in to his room or whatnot (just in the sense of a home invasion, not roommates), but it's just fun. He's an interesting guy.

On top of that, people never really cease to amaze me. I was in the middle of grumbling to myself about how people behaved in public and at fast food resturaunts in particular, when this lady asked me about my name. When I was curious what about she made mention that she wanted my name so that she could give it to all of the resturaunts around so that she could tell them that I needed to train their waitresses and PR people, as she put it. I was flabberghasted. Could you imagine? I know that it's not likely to happen, but just the intent behind the compliment made my day. I nearly laughed aloud as I was writing down my name for her and the Carl's Jr. service number. Just insane. Life's finally starting to turn around, I think. It's getting better anyways.

And today I managed to spend four hours gallavanting around town and get the few things that I needed: batteries, ethernet cord, and a pitcher. I got a 2.5 qt. pitcher and four 30 oz. cups for $2.04! Walmart is awesome, sometimes...

No real rants today, but it's nice to know that there are some out in the sea of humanity that aren't afraid or too reserved to recognize the good in the world. It makes life easier when you're appreciated...

But I suppose I need to do some things in preparation for the coming week. I have homework and funwork to do... And I need to see about some other things... It's so nice to have my computer again...

I now return you to your regularly scheduled web surfing.

You absolutely need to read this.

http://www.rednova.com/news/display/?id=126649#121

It's beyond intriguing, it could prove to be one of the greatest single finds of all time. It's incredible.

Bad choice.

Right, well nothing comes to mind, so I'm mostly just catching up.

I ran into that one roomate again, turns out his name is Josh and the other guys' name is Juan. And Juan did come in the other night, not realizing that I was moved in already. Funny stuff. But I talked to Josh a little bit and calmed some of my doubts, enough that today should be better.

But I need an Ethernet cord... I can't get to the outside world and communicate without it. Such a simple to find and cheap thing to be missing... And on top of that I could use a table and a chair for my computer... And a mouse pad. But note that all of these things involve my computer. That's because it has all of my software, etc. so that I can do homework and better manage areas of my life. Doing this from a computer lab with upwards of 200 people is a bit odd... Oh, well...

Time for the daily, or so, rant. But first of let me tell you that today's going rather well, I'm just flabergasted by the news again...

Is there a particular plague of the mind running amok, or has humanity always been this horrible? What I'm talking about is that a mother through her just born baby out of a moving car. Yep, let's be pro-abortion here so that things like that don't happen. So that she could have had a legal abortion or whatever. It must have been such a burden on her that she THROUGH HER CHILD FROM A MOVING VEHICLE. Where's the rape or the other cries of understanding that caused this? Nope, no such animal. The mother was arguing, most likely with the father, and through the baby out of the car window. It's amazing. I mean, why didn't my parents think of that. It would have saved them so much trouble if they had just spared me the... NO!! I don't care who you are, you all know that is wrong! I don't get what the craze is. The baby is less than an hour old (approximately) and is just thrust out the window like a stinky diaper...?

Needless to say they most likely have the mother in custody and the baby is most likely going to survive. Lucky for him he's going to grow up later down the line and find out that his mother tossed him out the window like a sack of potatoes. Yup, I'm pro-choice alright, I believe in your choice NOT TO have sex and your choice to remain ABSTINENT. Seems to me that there's a whole lot less tossing of babies out the window that way... But heaven forbid we control our urges or even take responsibility for our actions. Why would we do that? We have all of these creative and scientific ways to keep consequences from happening...

Yeah, as you can tell I'm not very happy with the whole situation... I think it's just lucky that someone was right behind watching all of it. She managed to get the baby to the hospital and they're working on getting it back to health...

On the awkwardness of freedom and the returning past.

Yeah, I don't know, maybe I'll keep my headline titles looking like essay titles. I should change the title of the blog to "The Wisdoms of a Rambler" or somesuch...

First of all, the rant, and then the news...

North Korea is at it again. It's a wonderful problem, solved only by something that will make things worse. On one hand, we could endure them to the ends of time, or until the citizens get around to removing communist power from their lands... But on the other, we could try annhialating their military might and just send them off like the Germans, Japanese, Iraqis and Afghanis (send them off meaning give them democracy and let them have fun with that new toy). The problem with the latter scenario is the threat of actual WMDs that not even Kofi Annon, the French, or our own Democrat brothers would dare deny. That problem is the fact that in all probability, they could devastate our beaches in California. As a joke, I would say let them, it's going to sink anyways, but in all reality if they could do that millions might die... I wonder what the world's reaction would be to that? Would they send international aid to us if we suddenly lost 300,000 sun-bathing Californians? Probably not. But arguably the reason it hasn't happened is: a) they can't, or b) they're afraid of backlash (there are a myriad of ways this could happen, and only a few of those involve Americans as the driving force).

I could put a lot of cynical twists and such on it, but we'll leave that sarcasm alone for now. My main point in all this is that they're doing it again. They've pulled out of multi-national peace talks because of "American aggression". Funny thing that, we just had two aircraft carriers in the region (if my count is accurate) and one of them is steaming for home... Obviously an aggressive move. But this isn't the first time they've done this. I've never actually read anything on it, but rumor has it that they did something like this before we were able to have an armistice to the Korean War. The story goes something like after six months about complaining about the table, they finally were able to sit and sign the treaty. That's it, more or less. So why should we be surprised now? It's just a sad thing that they only thing they can keep us at bay with are probable threats. We have a million U.S. soldiers on the DMZ. They have anywhere from 1-5 Nuclear Weapons with enough proposed range that they could hit the major cities on the West coast... Too bad we aren't more confident in our Patriot Missiles. We'd probably have hit them by now...

Anyways... On to the news:

I now have an apartment. Since last night about 8PM. I won't go into the details, too much, unless you want them. But I have two roommates and only briefly spoke with one... But I'm in. And today it was like a combat drop, because at noon Ross brought my desktop and two loads of food. That was cool. I should be alright for a little while, but I feel the need to at least MEET my roommates... I think they tried to last night when I was asleep, but for some reason I guess I was really tired, because I'm pretty sure the door opened, and that someone felt embarrassed, but it could have easily been a dream, too... But I'll be up late tonight, probably, so that should give me a chance to meet them. But the headline should be that I have a "pad" now.

Groovie.

On independance and the Matrix theory of creation.

Yeah, scary title, ain't it? But it gets about what I've been doing for the last two days or so. I know, basically, have that apartment. (A reason I don't think the universe is against me). All I have to do is drop off the deposit, what's left for this month's rent, and pick up the key (of course putting my stuff in there). It's an amazing thing really. I'm afraid of what's going to happen, in a base level, and yet I am livid with all of the opportunities that will open up... An astonoshing thing, even though it has appeared periodically for almost three years... But that means that I'll be happier, unless something bad happens, of course. And then there's that whole food thing...

But as for the latter part of the headline, I'll get to that in a little bit. But first a quote that I feel needs to be shared:

"A promise is all about faith.
It's only as strong as your faith in your own self,
in your own God."

Yeah, I pulled that out of a book that my dad got for my mom that had a lengthy version of the song "I hope you dance." with it. Most of the stuff in the book was inspiring and poetic, but I knew most of it or had read it elsewhere. That, though, speaks to the current events and sometimes I just want a plane so that I can paper the town with my messages. The reason people break their own promises is because they don't have faith in themsleves and those around them. That's what that says to me. I have absolute certainty about who I am, I don't lie to myself or others to cover up who I am. But those who do never have faith in others or in themselves. I know, they told me that was why. But to put it into it's inspiring context, the rest of that poem goes on to say that making a promise is a beautiful thing because it shows how much faith you have. I didn't like that. I think that KEEPING your promises shows how much all of that means to you. I could make promises all day and never mean them, and people do that to me all of the time. But my word is my bond and I do everything that I can do to keep from breaking that. Whether you do it or not is your afair, just don't expect me to appreciate being lied to.

But anyways, I had a bit of epiphany yesterday while on the road back up here, and it comes about a little from multiple theories of why people are here, etc. And the title comes about because of the fact that I grabbed some of it from the second Matrix movie. But I'm going to maintain that a lot of what's philisophically moving from that trillogy was in my mind beforehand. They just made it awesome... But the point is a unifying theme between the themes of our celestial bodies being in heaven before we're born, and our corporeal bodies, and then going back up again (more or less, and definately more complex than that). In essence, we are spirits before we're born, and to keep it simple I'm going to try and simplify as much as possible. Basically, during that time we are preparing to be here. We are given, if you will, a bank card/score card/whatever for which to prepare. You basically use this in determining who you are going to be from what you look like, all the way to what desicions you would make and your personality. Enter the theory of Destiny and Choice: Matrix put forth an interesting idea, that you have already made your choice and now you're just trying to understand it (the Oracle), but this also encompasses the theory of destiny being that your path has already been paved for you. It essentially encompasses what I've always thought which is that you are your destiny. The path has to be laid out because if God knows all things, then he knows what you're going to do: Destiny. BUT!! God gives fee will and allows you to choose your own: Choice. Thus if we choose beforehand, we estabilish our destiny, and then we are sent to Earth to see how well we chose. Now me, being a fan of combining ideas from multiple religions to see how they fit, bring up the theory of re-incarnation and this whole scenario. And esentially I still just have theories, but that's what they are, and I'm not sure how they relate via the texting going on here. But I had to write it down somewhere...

Anyways, I do hope your mind exploded with the sudden insight, I know mine did (it was rather messy...)

I'll post later at some point from my apartment and let you know how things are going there. I know you're all livid with anticipation.

Did you notice that I used livid three times in this post? Exciting, isn't it...

Here I am, stuck in the winter with you...

Yup, I'm still in Layton...

Yup, it's Monday at 2:46PM...

Yup, it's because this stupid area decided to have a freak snow storm, that also reached all the way to the canyons so that making the journey "home" would be too dangerous to feel warranted...

Yup, I'm going to miss two days of work for this excursion...

Anyways... It's been nice to be home, but it's also different. There's a lot of drama now, not between me and my family. But events with friends are taking a mirrored and interesting course. I'm too annalytically minded not to draw parallels, but there's enough to get a sketch of the situation. I just realize that there's a ton of difference. And now I'm on the side that I couldn't understand: I'm the bystander. How does one react in that situation? A difficult question to answer, even as you're answering it.

The most difficult problem is that I have friends on both side. Long term friends. And to avoid negatively impacting everything by needlessly getting involved isn't something I'm all up for. I think for now, if I'm able to get involved at all, I'm going to work on shielding the innocent as much as possible. Those that decide they butt in where they aren't needed will void that protection, but I will only enter the fray if I feel a duty to defend someone. I can't enter it otherwise, at least not openly...

Anyways, even with all of that ambiguity I shouldn't really be talking about it. But I'm only really detailing my involvements. I would love to chalk it up to a learning experience, but there's too much involved. It's like trying to learn the stock market by using millions of dollars in stock. A dangerous move indeed...

I should be back "home" tomorrow. Back in Logan, anyways. Hopefully I'll manage to talk to my potential landlord and make him my actual landlord. Cross your fingers and pray for that one...

Some of you are still on my list. I'll make arrangements to appropriate repparations to that as soon as possible. Unfortunately some of you are difficult to acquire. But no worries. What is meant to happen, will happen. And I'm pretty sure this is meant to happen at some point.

Y'know? You're not supposed to listen to the ramblings of a mad man. I guess that's why I write so much of it down... :-p

And the winner by a nose is...

Yeah, I'm still alive, though it was a bit of a challenge. But looking back, it was pretty easy for the most part. But I don't recomend living by necessity. I had little to choose this last week in what I did. I did what I did out of survival of my body, mind, and spirit. And by Friday, I was breaking down quite noticeably... But then I made it to work and it was much better. Of course it sucked being there until 2:00 AM, of course it sucked watching groups of aged friends, and couples come in to enjoy themselves. But I relished in supplying them with minute bits of laughter, and that kept me alive, and quite possibly maintained the bulk of my sanity.

And then it struck me, not as a surprise, but as a thought in passing. I am two completely different personas between work and school. At school I am very dark and passive, and yet still maintain that force of will, but as a shroud... But at work I am the beaming people pleaser, the guy that everyone knows, and who can get just about anyone to talk to him. It was ironic to the point that I started humming the "Cheers" theme song by closing shift. It's an odd thing, especially when my shift leader is a bit off the social and societal mainstream. He's quite easily half the nerd I am, but I think freak him out a little bit, sometimes. But work isn't so bad, it's just that I have to work. But really, it's great except for the lousy pay and the harsh hours. I don't know if I'm just lucky, or if I just do a better job of ignoring the honery and grumpy, but I love the people in the fast food business. For the most part they are some of the best people I have ever known...

But I am also fighting my urges to leave society once and for all. I really like people, but I can't stand how offully they can treat each other. I'd love to say that I'm the only one who's ever had to go through some of the things that I have lately, but I actually know someone who is going to go through it, but no less than 10 times worse. It makes me sick. And now I have to evaluate how I'm going to react to everything. It's so pathetic and horrible that so many people don't understand the power of truth. Just to say it, to be candid and hold nothing back, to just be honest and unashamed of who you are. If people would do that, would just be proud of who they were and would tell the truth, there would be almost no pain and the world would abound with love. But no. We can't have that. Everyone sticks to their petty lies. And I'd love to say that it's a phase that people grow out of, absolutely not. It afflicts those that are far past the teen drama of Jr. High and High Schools. It surpasses even the more suttle, and yet more unabashed college drama. It hits adults and married couples constantly. And what's the draw? Do you honestly gain something by lying? I admit that in some circumstances I find it might be prudent, but it is no less than 10 times worse when it comes out. It doesn't matter how long you lied, for a day or for years, it causes multitudes upon multitudes of more irreperable damage than just simply stating the facts...

It makes me sick. I swear that if I have to find out that one more of my friends, or someone close to me, has lied to ANYONE like that again, I just might quit. Hermitize me Cap'n! It doesn't much matter to me anymore, if I'm going to have to worry about someone who claims to love me, whom I love, ever turning about and doing that to me again... There's not really much I could do to assure my actions. Nothing violent, I've already fought that one off when confronted with it... But my heart can barely take this. So many lies, half truths and whole hearted hurts. It's not enough that they tell you that they lied to you for so long, they have to drag you through the mud afterwards... I'm getting very anti-mankind here, so I think I'm going to stop before I say something that I regret. But there's no point! Please, please, please! If you respect and love anything, just be candid and true! True to yourself, true to others...

If not for my sake, then for yours... I guess I say that realizing that those who always are causing the most harm couldn't care less...

And the finally...

Nobody likes you, everybody hates you, their all out without you having fun.

Yeah... I had that gem stuck in my head all night at work. At first I just stuck with the tune, but after a while it started meaning something to me. But that's alright, I keep trying to consol myself in my thoughts and actions. I know what I'm doing is right and good, that's not what's at issue. I'm just still frustrated about my social life. Yeah, I'm finally admitting it, I have one (sorta), and I miss the one I had. Not really the people now that they unabashadly tromp about the world in their lies, but I do miss having time to myself with friends... But that's ok, I'll have my rewards in time. All my work isn't just so that I can work for later.

But tonight's the finally. Basically. I get to be at Carl's for 6 and a half hours. Working for six, up until midnight. And then my shiftleader offered to take me home (something I worked up so that Marla and Ross didn't have to be up until late to take me home). He's actually a cool guy. We have a great deal in common. But I think I'm a little overbearing for him, sometimes.

But the reason that I haven't fallen apart yet is that yesterday I was able to sleep. Marla arranged to take me to her parents house to sleep, from like 9:45 to 2:15 or so. That was awesome. I had a dream that I would have rather I didn't, but I think it's just my subconsiousness reassuring me still, or maybe it was a message from God. But I didn't really like getting it, a whole lot, even though it reaffirms what I already knew...

I still don't know if I'm coming home this weekend or not... I have to work so late this evening, and my landlord wants to meet at sometime tomorrow. The dude didn't give a time or anything, so I don't know what to do. I do know that I've got some MAE homework, and a whole 18 hour (in total) day. I'm so excited, and I basically have to say that in order to not fall apart and dispair.

This working stuff kinda sucks... I hope that my paycheck makes it worth it... But it looks like that if my work ethic gets back to Jeremy (the manager at the store) that I'll be recognized a bit. Two shift leaders now have commented on it, and I hope that means something other than "Thanks for working your ass off, see you again tomorrow." I'm not greedy, but I am realising the crunch and munch of the real world now, at least a bit more and it's not good...

Ok, this is too sad...

I don't know if you've heard the reports, I know I hadn't, but it appears that an American GI was captured in Iraq...

http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/meast/02/01/iraq.hostage/index.html

That is... GI Joe. Seriously, I know that it sounds a little wierd, but I went and found a nice picture of the head of the figure that they think that they used and it looks VERY similar. If it's true, I guess they're getting desperate to find people. And good, we don't need anymore beheadings...

And here's the link to that picture that I found. You be the judge:

http://www.echobasetoys.com/PicsDragon/Pic-DR-70304Xb.JPG

And going, and going, and...

Ok, technically it's only the second day of my week from you know where. But only because I didn't close Monday night. But I'm definately not feeling like it's the second day. I keep telling myself that I'm going to be ok, but when I got to work yesterday I didn't feel like it...

I always hate waking up with aches and pains. The reason you sleep is to reset from the day you just had. Things like fatigue and aches and pains shouldn't carry over unless it's something serious, like a broken bone or something...

But it's alright, I suppose. It's a great deal my own doing to be this tired, but not really on any irresponsibility that I can think of. I'm too tired to properly dissent right now, so I just kinda hang out and try to remain awake, for the most part. Chemistry is going to kill me. I'm definately going to fall asleep again. And I'm not like that! I hate falling asleep in class, but I can't help it.

Alrighty... Well I'm not going to come back this weekend afterall... Maybe I should just not say anything until I'm on the road home, because this is twice that I've changed my mind... But this isn't really my fault. My soon to be landlord decided that he wanted to meet me Saturday morning, and work gave me hours reaching to midnight on Friday night. Sorry Carl, but I guess that means that Tim will get to do his job, eh?

I've got a little bit of a challenge to look into. But I don't think I'm willing to accept defeat. If a "computer expert" can't do it, I'm going to. That expert couldn't get the show to run on auto, but I did. I might as well test my hand at it. I didn't mean to have so much contempt there, but I hate that stigma... It's frustrating sometimes, but mostly I just smile and laugh inwardly...

Anyways... Got to work on that now, and homework... And consciousness... It's an interesting thing keeping yourself up with the force of will... Because that just drains you more...

And it be recieved...

Well I'm a bit more awake than I was, and mostly because of someone that I hope will prove to be a friend, at least for a time. He's already made it onto a list that has all too few names, but it's nice to have someone like that again, someone whom not only knows their faith, but will talk about it.

Yeah, I'm at it again. Trying to understand the Mormon faith. With so many people in the state so sure that it's the right path, you can't help but look. And before you get all in my face and decide how anti-mormon I am, I'm going to make some mistakes that might offend you, but I am making the effort to understand your beliefs. That, I'm sure, counts for something.

Anyways, I interupted the poor guy to ask him what he had just walked out of. And it turned out to be one of Marisha's classes, which I had seen her anyways, and he realized that I was reading the Bible. My grandfather's uber miniature version. And it took off from there until minutes ago when he had to run to class lest he be late.

Anyways, he had a lot of good answers to some of my questions. Something that it's been months since I've had (good answers). And I agreed that after my study of the Bible I would read the Book of Mormon. He offered, and this will be the second that I've taken, but I haven't ever even read a scripture out of it until today (to my recollection anyways). But as opposed to the bulk of what I feel Mormons would do, I agreed to take it and read it. I approach my faith and knowledge building from both ends: mine and the one most contrary (which in a case between my system and the Mormon system... that only leaves the two ends). Anyways, I find it best to find and refine the points of each until you're looking at something that basically everyone can agree on. I don't find too much of that with my counterparts, but it's not necessarily a fault I hold against them, but one I don't intend to duplicate.

But I walked off with a smile, and we swapped numbers, I'm sure he'll be anxious to get me into some sort of events, but I attend those sparringly and with good motivations (like family and very close friends). Anyways, maybe I'll manage to bring up some more good points for him later. Like most, he had differences in perception of some things, but it was much the same as a few others that I've spoken with. It's more interesting to see what they have different and the same (those speaking to me), than what they are saying, sometimes...

And thus be thine gauntlet thrown.

That's right, a gauntlet has been thrown and a hard throw indeed. I am fighting a disparaging view of the week ahead.

For some of you, you would scoff, but for me it will test every ounce of my person. I'm barely going to be able to sleep, let alone see "my" bed. Work decided to be generous and improve upon my hours. What a wonderful thing it will be to close EVERY NIGHT this week. For those of you that don't know, that means that I go to work as early as 5:30PM and leave as early as 11:00PM, if I'm lucky. I'm already going to have to skip out on Friday, I can't both work until Midnight and come home this weekend at the same time. But that doesn't make it any less daunting considering that, at best (meaning were I to fall asleep as soon as my shift ended, sleep soundly through the night, and wake precisely at six every morning) I will get 7 hours of sleep. Note that would be falling asleep right after I clocked out, so it's not counting the 30 minute drive home, and the potential homework/laundry that I'll be doing when I get home.

What a wonderful thing. This is what I'm built for. You might hear some complaining this next week, but I'm not really going to be sympathetic, likely...

But that's ok, I can take it, and I'm glad my pay is going up. They've pretty much given me full time hours, except that I won't be working on Friday now...

But it'll be interesting, much the same as always. Up before the sun has risen, down long after it has rest its wearied head...

On other news, I'll be procuring a copy of this 3-D modeling software that I'm using for my class. I've long wanted something to toy around with like this, and the person that I need to go through even suggested some geniousness. She brought it up that most students just burn a copy of it and give it back. It's a $5 deposit to check it out, and you don't even really need to bring it back, they just keep your $5 dollars. But the cost of a CD is so much cheaper, so I'll have that done next week when I have my desktop here. To quote one of my friends and a wonderful song "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!" Eventually I'll get used to thinking like a pirate... Not likely...

Speaking of which, a bit, I came up with something... I know, that's resounding, but bear with me: We've all heard about a Wolf in Sheep's clothing, of course you have. Yes, even you in the back shaking your head. Anyways, what about a Sheep in Wolves' clothing? Think about it. What better defense for modern society? It's not necessarily pretending to be what you aren't, at least not what I'm talking about, it's about being in the wrong skin. Something I've always debated with myself. What if I were born a sheep, but meant to be a wolf? (And note that we're talking about sheep as in docile creatures, not as in mindless followers; and wolves are carnivores, duh. I can't think of much beyond that right now...) Just for example, anyways. I sometimes feel that people react to me a lot differently then I would imagine that they would based off of what I look like. Sort of like the killer bunny from Monty Python, but reversed. Or something... I'm tired, and you can tell I'm in an interesting mood...

Anyways... Maybe I'll remember the rest of that later, but I'm going to have to be awake, but unconscious for the next four hours or so until my class starts. And don't dare scoff and say that I should read something, I do that until I'm afraid I'll go blind. And because I'm already blind, that's saying something. Some of you would even be proud of what I'm reading, others might shake their heads and run in fear. But I'm finding it very rewarding and full of new lessons in differences between what is taught, and what actually is...

Right. Rambling. Au Revoir.