10-4 little buddy?

I don't get it.

This is why I don't like so much dealing in the ambiguity department.

Ok, pick youself up off the floor, I'm serious.

I only really do it to protect those that haven't stated otherwise.

I really don't care if you know anything about me.

But if we're going to play the honesty game, that means all cards face up, you.

And I'm not just saying the ones on the table, either.

I see that Queen of Hearts in your sleeve, but I don't want to accuse you of cheating if it will force my hand as well, right?

But I have all of my cards face up.

And what's more, if it was me you were referring to there, I don't want any part of it.

It's why the first relationship of mine ended as it did, and I'll be damned if another one will follow suit.

No one should have to 'force' themselves to love anyone. If it isn't there, it isn't, and anything but is a lie.

I couldn't force myself if I tried, and I have definately tried, but unfortunately it always turns out misleading the other person and getting you all tangled up in that web later.

And that's not the sort of web you want to be tangled up in.

So while the puzzle piece is close enough to be forced, I'm letting you know that it better not be.

Because I don't need charity. I don't want people looking out for me 'just because'. It should come natural. It should be the same as it would be with anyone else in the human race.

That or it will forever be tainted and second rate.

10-4, bud?

An odd thing, to be sure.

I have to vote that today makes a good day.

It was a scarce outcome. The French judge almost gave it a 2, but the Russian judge threatened to pound 'im.

And here we are.

I got rather popular today. I mean, there were the regulars 'Hey how are you doing?' bunch, and then two that normally don't talk to me at all.

Which is cool, because one was my cousin.

All this, after being up all night, and being up late grumpy.

So I'd say that's a pretty good outcome.

I did lose a friend today. A major asset, really.

I won't show it, though. I'm a trooper.

No, she's not dead, silly. Though I did kinda make it sound like that. But she walked out today. She was done with people treating her like an idiot, getting away with it, and all the bull stuff.

Yeah.

I don't really blame her. I'm ready to jump ship myself. But I ned to hold on for a little while longer.

I had a second TL go up to bat for me today, to try to get Unisys to finally promote me.

I don't know about you guys, but that's kinda backwards of how these things are usually reported to go.

I could have been promoted at the last place I worked, but they didn't want to do if I was moving, which was silly, because I transfered. Then the buggers up north didn't like me, for the most part, lol...

But here, I'm glad to see that my immediate supervisors will help me out, if no one else will.

So we'll see how tomorrow goes.

I need to let my actual supervisors (as in title, not job function) know that they made a silly choice by changing my schedule by 30 mins and see if they'll change their minds.

Anywho... I'm sneezing now, eyes are burning, and I'm falling over.

Time to sleep for sure.

Maybe I'm grumpy...

...and shouldn't be posting.

But I never am prone to allow my character to be so misjudged.

While you never openly said it, I don't like the implication that I'm a desensitized brute, there, kiddo.

To judge something that you know nothing about, and because someone told you? How can you actually call that a judgement at all? Do you take all of your knowledge of the universe in such a spoonfed manner..? I know that you don't. It's obvious because you've been "taught" that other things are wrong and that didn't stop you then.

I paintball, but not with the thought that I get to go and shoot someone.

It's a joke when you have a body count afterwards, but there's hardly any serious tone there in.

We hardly go out shooting each other.

That's not the goal.

As with all things, it is not always as it is meant to be.

But if you're going to hold the injuries against me, then I shall forever hold your sports against you.

Absurd, isn't it?

You play a strategy game in which your forces are merely pawns. You don't actually feel anything when you send them to sack the neighboring kingdom, or watch them slaughtered before you.

You play a game, in which your sword is your life, and you slice mercelessly through your opponents.

And to sit there and judge my game because someone walked off of the field with less than a bruise?

At least my openents never die.

I never kill them.

I never actually even harm them.

It is a sport the same as any.

No one is ever even accidently injured to the point of ever needing to be carried off of the field.

Say that about your precious sports.

You have a double standard there, and if you aren't seeing it, then there's nothing left there.

If you won't see that, then why should you see anything?

If you don't see that, then I am doubly surprised that you shouldn't judge me as your mother does.

A low blow perhaps, but I don't think you realize what it means to me to see you have such double standards there.

To so blatantly disregard what you want to.

That just means that you live off of your whims, and not the actual truth inherent in any statement.

It means that no discussion or fact, or God telling you to your face would ever mean anything to you, if you didn't want it to.

That's not something that I can value. So excuse me while I battle against it for your own good and those around you.

You don't like it because it's violent, then fine. But to compare to actually shooting someone, and then disregard the fact that you're waging actual virtual conquest...?

Give me a break.

Today's Crisis: Global Warming.

Sure, sure, we've all heard the stories, we've read them, and we might have even seen the movie "The Day After Tomorrow", but what is really going on...?

I mean, seriously, you can't look around you and not see that the weather is screwy. I mean, it was 50-60 degrees yesterday, the sun went down, lighting came followed by snow.

Not the first time I've seen lightning before a snow storm, but that doesn't mean that's how it always happens.

But I haven't exactly held my skepticism quiet when it comes to global warming, either.

I think they have a big burden of proof. And the killer for me is that there isn't actually any way to stop it. The treaty of Kyoto isn't goint to stop it. The damage has been done. It really has. Kyoto just wants everyone to reduce their emissions to pre-1990 standards. While that would slow the changing events, I've seen studies that state that it takes thousands of years for Earth's built in carbon recycling to take effect.

What we really, really, would need then, is something that can REVERSE emissions.

Something that would act as a giant CO2 scrubber for all of the Earth. Terra-forming, that starts here. Science has long touted it as a way to make other planets Earth-like, but hell, if all of these scientists are to be believed, then we should really start it up here, first.

While I'm skeptical, I'm certainly not running amok driving an SUV that burns raw carbon. I'm not attacking those of you who might, but I certainly plan on buying something with lower emissions, if for no other reason than look at our cities, folks. On a hazy day, you're breathing that. On a clear day, you're still breathing that. If you drive a car with higher emissions, that's part of the impact right there, but as I said, lowering emissions is fine, but we need to find a way to reverse them, to stop this if it actually is going to go down like everyone seems to fear.

Unfortunately, I don't have the answers, but lets just say that if all of their projections are right (as they have reported them today: http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/03/26/coverstory/index.html) then 2060 and the decades preceding and following it, are going to be very bad days for all of us.

I'm not super affraid, I'd like to think that I have more faith in that, but make no mistakes that we are in changing times, and it seems like the changes are right around the corner.

Um... it's a chain letter. There really isn't any way to hide that one...

>FIRST NAME? Justin

>WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My middle name is for Alexander the Great.

>WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? All the time, I'm a little girl... I mean... Uh... Never :-p.

>DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Most of the time.

>WHAT IS YOU FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Ham.

>DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Not that you have met, I'm kidding.

>IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Sure, I'm friends with a lot of crazy people.

>DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Just the Blog.

>WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? I'm leaning towards no.

>WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? That's rough, cereal is usually good stuff.

>DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Ususally, but not lately.

>DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Depends on how dillusional I am at the time you ask me.

>WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Chocolate or Strawberry is always good.

>SHOE SIZE? 15 last time I bought some.

>RED OR PINK? Red

>WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Lack of motivation. Don't mean to copy your answer there, bud, but I seriously do find that to be a very sucky quality of mine.

>WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? It's not so much the who as the what, usually.

>DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Not really worried about it. They usually don't.

>WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Blue Jeans, no shoes. Seriously. Friday is casual day, kicked my shoes off when I came home.

>LAST THING YOU ATE? Generic handburger and fries outta the caffeteria.

>WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The chair squeak.

>IF YOU WERE A CRAYON WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Black.

>FAVORITE SMELL? I'm thinking the first flowering plants of spring, the grasses in the first of spring. Kinda like today.

>WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Whitney's little sister, actually.

>DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Lol... We don't talk about that, but I'm actually glad I've kept him around this long. It's been a good thing.

>FAVORITE DRINK? Water, lately.

>FAVORITE SPORT? Hunting... People.

>WHAT'S YOUR HAIR COLOR? Reddish-Brownish, but who knows, people think it's blond some days.... EYE COLOR? Definately full of crap -> Brown.

>DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No.

>FAVORITE FOOD? Miscellaneous Chinese or Pizza.

>SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Either, but it really depends, I think.

>LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? V for Vendetta, and it'll likely be the next movie I watch if someone will cooperate with me.

>WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? My gray shirt.

>SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer for sure.

>HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs or kisses, it only matters on who they're from.

>FAVORITE DESSERT? Cake, actually. Cake is always good. Cheesecake is usually better, though.

>WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Godzilla... He responds with his super breath, destructo beam.

>LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Godzilla. He's fictional.

>WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Technically? I'm in the middle of like a million... Pretty serious on that one, but I'm not actually reading any of them, lately.

>WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Crumbs. Oh, and a mouse.

>WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? Nothing. I watch little TV now.

>FAVORITE SOUNDS? The sound of silence.

>ROLLING STONE OR BEATLES? Either or, really.

>THE FURTHEST YOU BEEN FROM HOME? Outer space. Or really...? Like, the Pacific Ocean then.

>DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? As in that, given a moment, I can get creepy looks from just about anyone? If you call that talent, then I say yes.
.
>WHAT TIME IS IT? 4:38:04 PM MST. Because you asked.

>YOUR NICK NAME? I used to have one. Now I just call myself A_Shadow. I like it better then any I've ever had.

>PLACE OF BIRTH? California, Livermore I think, but there's an argument there, lol.

>EVER BEEN TO AFRICA? No.

>EVER BEEN TOILET PAPERING? No, actually.

>LOVED SOMEONE SO MUCH IT MADE YOUR CRY? Not really, but I have shed tears over a loved one.

>BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT? Only if fender benders count, and then only sorta not really. Yes, I have been in a fender bender.

>CROUTONS OR BACON BITS? Bacon Bits are the R0x0r.

>FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Every day that's a good one.

>FAVORITE RESTAURANTS? Royal Dragon is pretty damn good.

>FAVORITE FLOWER? Todaisies. Because they aren't real. Other then that, good smelling ones, lol.

>DISNEY OR WARNERS? Either. I can't really choose, because, why would I?

>FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT? Any good one, lol. Fast food, I'm not super picky about. But don't like a lot of Mexican food, and some of the smaller chains bother me.

>BEFORE THIS ONE, WHO DID YOU GET YOUR LAST EMAIL FROM? George. Eww...

>WHICH STORE WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO MAX OUT YOUR CREDIT CARD? Probably a computer store. Because it's easy to do. I'd do it now, if you'd pay the bill :-p

>WHAT DO YOU DO MOST OFTEN WHEN YOU GET BORED? Suffer. Lol, no, that's pretty damn accurate.

>BEDTIME? When I get to it, but it's supposed to be earlier than I make it.

>WHO ARE YOU THE MOST CURIOUS ABOUT THEIR RESPONSE TO THIS QUESTIONNAIRE? Godzilla. I mean, how does he type? And what color of crayon would he be? I mean, these are things that would rock my world.

>FAVORITE TV SHOWS? Lost is usually pretty good, but it's irritating. I like the sci-fi stuff, but I really don't watch anything anymore.

>LAST PERSON YOU WENT TO DINNER WITH? My family, I'm sure.

>WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? Black or Green.

>HOW MANY TATTOOS DO YOU HAVE? None, that you are aware of. And that's how I'm leaving it.

>HOW MANY PETS DO YOU HAVE? While the previous answer was damn hillarious, just the one that I can claim, and he's not even mine, really.

>HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE YOU SENDING THIS TO? 1 + X, where X is greater than or equal to the number of people that I know reading my blog.

So there we were...

...walking through the woods, and wouldn't you know it, there was a thing! It was THIS BIG. I mean, that's like, have you ever seen a thing that big before?

If you turn that dirty, I will kill you.

You know who you are.

Lol.

Today wasn't such a day.

I mean, there are days. And then there are dayz. Don't ask my what makes it one of those "dayz", because I'm not hip like that, but still.

While I can't exactly say that it was perfect, glorious, or even "Heck yes!", I can safely say that I actually didn't care though. AT ALL.

This was not a day that would make or break me.

It wasn't a day that had to be a good day.

It wasn't a day that anything in the world seemed able to shake me from.

But maybe because I didn't get into the things that would have spoiled it.

Why can't all my days be like that? I'm selfish enough to be bold enough to ask for sure.

Not all of you had that great of a day, I take it, but while I'm sorry about that, I did try - in my own way - to make it better.

Probably didn't work, I actually don't expect it to. That's really not the point.

Because no one needs me to cheer them up.

It's something they do on their own.

I merely try to fill in for what I know that I desperately need.

A distraction.

I hope that much at least works, but I'm probably not a very good one unless ramblingly ubnoxious or something...

Which I am all the time.

So I must be a helluva thing, eh?

I just said helluva...

Anyways. After being interupted multiple times, I'm done I think...

I felt the need to update you with nothing, on nothing, for nothing because of nothing.

So take that nothing and do nothing with it.

Stick it in your nothing and nothing...

I'm glad we had this chat.

Not exactly feeling the love, here.

Look at you, you precious thing.

How cute, how quaint indeed.

Shrouded always in darkness, bathed in light.

But the light isn't your own, child, and it never will be.

You are doomed to eternally be a greater glory's mirror.

You bask in the light of the only true light, but a greater darkness will swallow you.

You dance with it always, much time is spent in the light, even if just a partial glimpse is had, but for eons at a time, you will be doused in inescapable darkness.

An endless cycle.

Light.

Dark.

Dark.

Light.

It has always been thus and thus will always be.

And there it is, the great light of the universe, always there when you are ready to come out.

Yes, come out, he's never there to save you, so much as greet you when you come back to him.

You're the only one that has any power there.

Such a beautiful thing to watch you.

Plunged into darkness, baptised in the light.

It's the cycle that draws me to you.

It's the realization of your beauty.

It's the inescapable truth of your absolute being.

Such a quaint little thing indeed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Writing on the fly, blah. I've been keeping that one inside in one form or another for a long time now.

Interesting how it played out. Plays out.

I'm not feeling the love here. Amongs other things, I can't get Arcanum to love me.

The stupid thing installs, but it won't launch.

Now I know it has to be something I'm doing, or not doing, something wrong with the PC, at least in the sense that Arcanum's a picky bastard that won't play well with others.

Anyways, thanks for trying, but I'm not sure I'll be able to get it to work. Not sure a game as old as I am is really worth it, heh.

No, it's not quite that old. Only about half as old as I am then.

But thank you anyways, and thank you for your assistance.

I'm certainly glad to have been given the chance to try it.

So many things to try.

Bah, look at me go on like I know what I'm talking about.

Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson?

That is the sound of inevitability.

That is the sound of your doom.



I am victorious! W00t. I totally have my DVD drive up and kicking ass, it can even start taking names now.

Excellent.

One screw was right, HP is bloody brilliant.

Pop out the drive, pull out one screw, slap in the other drive, reverse order to put everyting back and you're done.

In less than 45 mins I've done all of that AND burned my first DVD.

Score!!

Now there are lots of fun things to do.

Excellent.

Mwahahaha!

Not quite done yet.

There are still so many things that are left to be brought up, though you needed to go.

I challenge you to explain away actual examples of things. As to questions of the validity of use of someone born in the dastardliest of circumstances.

A baby, born of a prostitute, that comes to do God's work.

Seriously, no need to make things up, but I find that the family is a nice way to bring forth weapons of God, but it hardly needs to be the only way, punishable as some sin if it isn't followed through.

God is a man of opportunity (and by man, I'm not referring to it in the normal sense, that should be obvious). He will use the resources at hand, and he hardly even has need to do that if he created the whole universe.

If all of your brothers and sisters are meant to have a tenure on Earth, what is to happen at it's end? Why twice are we to have a body? Why then are children allowed to parish, or do you believe that they come again?

Sorry to be stubborn, but you kept saying how the Family was part of God's plan, without ever mentioning his plan really, or how it actually played a part.

The family is hardly uncorruptable. I have many real world examples where it would have been much better for the individual to have cast off familial ties if they were able. It hardly seems, again, that the term should be used so irrefutably to the point that it can't be argued with.

It's hardly only a tool of good.

I just believe that it's meant to be a bastion of strenght. It's meant to be a citidel of trust. It's meant to be an armory and a wall to return behind to find strength and comfort.

It's hardly a necessity, but merely a boon for you to use as it was intended.

I don't see there is, or needs to be, some punishment inherrent there if you shouldn't use it as it was intended (meaning starting your own).

Though, if you abuse it, obviously every sort of abuse needs be dealt with, and will in time.

Now, I think I am done. I just wanted you to understand.

I don't say things idly out of some inner hate, or need to be right, but I do believe that things need to be tied up in nice little bundles. Most especially the truths of the universe. They are meant to be blocks to build on, then the must have a definate and reliable shape.

"Commandments" that are prone to qualifiers and circumstance don't to me spell out a definate shape to be had. And if one of the speakers for the great architect are saying something's square, when it obviously isn't, then yes, I will disagree with them. They might bring forth the message of God, but you can hardly believe that everything of which they utter is such.

I got better!

So I think my life the last couple of days has been akin to my blog.

401 - Not authorised.

No access allowed.

Definately not suffering from a 404 error.

Though my brain is.

Don't worry the tech that was in charge while I was away has been promptly shot, or otherwise deposed.

His reign of terror and incompotence will no longer have any bearing on my life.

Not only that, I believe that all of the internal issues (both on the backbone of the network, and on the profile side) have been remedied.

Unfortunately the guy incharge hadn't posted that we were having an issue, any more than he provided an ETA for resolution, but I assure you that all internal issues have been resolved.

There is some latency with one of the networks, and IT is waiting to contact the SysAdmin of that site to make sure that the communications will make it through the current blockage in the firewall there.

He just needs her to respond to his queries first.

---

In a nerdy way, I'm not only saying that I'm better now, but that I'm sorry.

I still need to talk to one of you, if you didn't get the 10-4 on that one.

Not that I anticipate it should be allowed.

Definately a fatal exception there.

But as I said, the tech has been shot, and the flawed and diseased code has been repaired to allow normal functioning.

I'm even coughing less, so that's something, right...?

I have an idea.

I think there's a misunderstanding here.

You and I aren't seeing eye to eye.

And that shouldn't be surprising with someone who hides all the time, refusing to be seen, and someone who - despite wanting to see so badly, I see is horribly blinded.

I don't know if you understood how truly badly those words hurt me.

I don't know if you are aware of how hard it was to say them.

Do you think I said them because they were easy, or because I just wanted to be done with it?

It's a hard thing. There's a reason why my mood has been assassinated by these thoughts.

I want for nothing more than our friendship to flourish and bloom.

I want for nothing more than to stand with you on a mountain looking back at a valley that we left on our own will power, achieving new heights.

But if you don't see that what you are doing is hurting me, then I don't know what else to say to you.

I don't want anything bad to come of this, but there comes a point where even I must break off.

Every suttle nuance is a wave of agony.

What makes you think that I would want to hear of your time with the one that I loved with all of my heart?

What makes you think that I would want to hear of how happy you are together, or how happy you are to love her? How happy you are to throw out everything just to be with her?

And to what end?

There is nothing down that road. Do you think I say this because I am petty, jealous or bitter?

If so, you are foolish and unwise beyond anything I could conjure in my imagination.

I tell you that there is nothing down that road because I have taken it through it's course.

I have travelled that road to the end and back again, and I am loathed to find that I will watch someone head down that path when I haven't escaped it yet myself!

If you don't understand, then you are blind to never see.

To never see the love I harbor for you, and the hope.

To never see that I would die to see you set on the right path, if I knew that is all that it would take.

But why should I listen?

All this is hollow, all is lost in these words.

Safe behind the veil of your shadows, you'll never see my tears that I've shed for you, because of you.

I am holding onto something that was never there, something that I have obviously conjured out of nothingness itself:

HOPE

I harbor a hope that shouldn't be. A hope without reason. And a hope without gain. You have never given me anything.

Not for hope, not for fear.

And yet here I am. Waiting for something that I should have never. Hoping for something I should have never.

No wonder I am so hopelessly frustrated.

I could never give anything any more. I don't see how.

It's just a trick of finding that the effort not be in vain, just once.

I am sorry if any of this strikes you as ill, but I need it be said.

I find her very lifestyle to be atrocious. There is not but lies and clouded intentions there. And to find you have happiness to be so decieved makes me ill.

Why would I want to hear your stories of joy as I watch you be led to your death?

Why should the fact that it's happened before, make me eager to watch its repetition?

Why?

Where on God's good Earth does that make sense?

What kind of friend would I be then? To just let you wander down a path that I knew would only end in doom?

Some great 'defender of men' indeed if I can't even keep my friends from danger...

But I don't expect you to listen.

I could shackle you and beat you with the truth, but you wouldn't listen unless you wanted to hear it.

What does it matter that I feel it in EVERY BONE OF MY BODY? You will only listen to it if your heart will.

And all the screaming of mine, all the weeping in the world, wouldn't change your mind.

Only your heart can do that.

I have an idea.

I think there's a misunderstanding here.

You and I aren't seeing eye to eye.

And that shouldn't be surprising with someone who hides all the time, refusing to be seen, and someone who - despite wanting to see so badly, I see is horribly blinded.

I don't know if you understood how truly badly those words hurt me.

I don't know if you are aware of how hard it was to say them.

Do you think I said them because they were easy, or because I just wanted to be done with it?

It's a hard thing. There's a reason why my mood has been assassinated by these thoughts.

I want for nothing more than our friendship to flourish and bloom.

I want for nothing more than to stand with you on a mountain looking back at a valley that we left on our own will power, achieving new heights.

But if you don't see that what you are doing is hurting me, then I don't know what else to say to you.

I don't want anything bad to come of this, but there comes a point where even I must break off.

Every suttle nuance is a wave of agony.

What makes you think that I would want to hear of your time with the one that I loved with all of my heart?

What makes you think that I would want to hear of how happy you are together, or how happy you are to love her? How happy you are to throw out everything just to be with her?

And to what end?

There is nothing down that road. Do you think I say this because I am petty, jealous or bitter?

If so, you are foolish and unwise beyond anything I could conjure in my imagination.

I tell you that there is nothing down that road because I have taken it through it's course.

I have travelled that road to the end and back again, and I am loathed to find that I will watch someone head down that path when I haven't escaped it yet myself!

If you don't understand, then you are blind to never see.

To never see the love I harbor for you, and the hope.

To never see that I would die to see you set on the right path, if I knew that is all that it would take.

But why should I listen?

All this is hollow, all is lost in these words.

Safe behind the veil of your shadows, you'll never see my tears that I've shed for you, because of you.

I am holding onto something that was never there, something that I have obviously conjured out of nothingness itself:

HOPE

I harbor a hope that shouldn't be. A hope without reason. And a hope without gain. You have never given me anything.

Not for hope, not for fear.

And yet here I am. Waiting for something that I should have never. Hoping for something I should have never.

No wonder I am so hopelessly frustrated.

I could never give anything any more. I don't see how.

It's just a trick of finding that the effort not be in vain, just once.

I am sorry if any of this strikes you as ill, but I need it be said.

I find her very lifestyle to be atrocious. There is not but lies and clouded intentions there. And to find you have happiness to be so decieved makes me ill.

Why would I want to hear your stories of joy as I watch you be led to your death?

Why should the fact that it's happened before, make me eager to watch its repetition?

Why?

Where on God's good Earth does that make sense?

What kind of friend would I be then? To just let you wander down a path that I knew would only end in doom?

Some great 'defender of men' indeed if I can't even keep my friends from danger...

But I don't expect you to listen.

I could shackle you and beat you with the truth, but you wouldn't listen unless you wanted to hear it.

What does it matter that I feel it in EVERY BONE OF MY BODY? You will only listen to it if your heart will.

And all the screaming of mine, all the weeping in the world, wouldn't change your mind.

Only your heart can do that.

Letter.

I'm sorry...

I am weak, I have broken a pledge. More than bent it this time.

In place here, I had posted a letter. But I am rescinding it as I need to deliver the letter to the intended recipient before posting it here...

I do promise to remedy it promptly, but I will need to deliver the letter first, lest it be intercepted...

I'm not dead yet.

But I damn near wish for it.

My fun little cough has magniplied into a beast of inescabable suckage and pain.

I cough so hard that my muscles hurt and my throat is so sore that when I breathe, I can feel the tenderness.

Complete suckage.

Stack that with the 75-80% usual breathing rate do to sniffles and muccuss and other fun things, and you are close to me wanting to kill or be killed.

Not breathing, even slightly, is the suckiest thing in the world.

No puns there-in were intended.

So I'm surviving, but only just.

Only with the hope that I think I'm done now, and by done I mean near future.

I hope.

Things are coming.

I plan on writing, but didn't want this be what you read upfront when you opened my blog today.

I have another thing for you to read.

It's almost time to start posturing again, but the person that has the green light on this operation won't use it.

That's fine. It's her perogative, but I felt that this could be a more peaceful way to resolve it than the good ol' knock on the door.

We'll see what she says about that.

I said consummate V's, consummate!!

Right, so I went and saw V for Vendetta tonight.

While I don't usually warm up to many movies these days (sheesh, if you ask my family I must be a critic :-p), this one warms up to me a little later than normal.

Make no mistake, like many stories, I find greater aspects of this have already been done, but it does sort of have the right appeal.

It has a sort of philosophy behind it, one that can be sorted out after the fact, if you're too busy in the actual story during the movie.

It's a lot to take in, 20 some odd years of history while unwraveling current events.

I don't think this is one that I was super excited about, I didn't really know anything about it, but if you're all for branding, how does Natalee Portman and the Wachowski brothers suit you?

It was a rather interesting, I can sort it from its story elements if you would like, but I don't actually like tainting your own opinions with mine. It's a challenge when you have to talk about something without talking about.

I guess that's a hurdle I jump every time I write my blog, eh?

--------------------------------------------------------------

As for the rest of the day. It's been worse, but not much worse.

Kinda one of those "Series of unfortunate events" sorts of things. Just because that phraise comes to mind when I think about a day that was probably pretty good, but filled with a lot of suckage.

BTW, I have decided that we now have 5 seasons, with a potential 6th to be determined later:

Sprinter.

It's a little known fact that Sprinter is a plague of our modern times, it promotes feelings of joy and wonderment as the snows pass in the afternoon. The sun is out, the snow is melting/melted, and you go to sleep knowing that spring is here, while when you wake, you are faced with 6 inches of snow on the ground and the fact that, yes, even police cruisers can spin out on the freeway.

Thus, this season of suck, is called Sprinter. As it should be obvious: Half-Spring, Half-Winter.

There does need to be a 6th, however, as a similar one is found in the reverse, Summer-ish in the morning time, cold as hell in the afternoons (btw, anyone ever notice the oddities of the statement 'cold as hell...?'). I have yet to coin a catch word for this other Utah related season, while these weathers might exist elsewhere, they suck the most here. I'm sure of it.

As for the rest, the rest is work.

Though I think I managed to might have sparked some new friendships today, of a sort anyways. I can thank Carl for that one. (Thank you.)

As for the rest of you, my appologies for various reasons.

I don't know if any of it is needed, but feel that you better get it while you can :-p.

BTW, I have currently planned a particularly interesting set of posts for the near future. If you can figure out what they mean, I would find it fascinating and otherwise cool.

Just a kinda heads up sort of thing.

I see now.

Why couldn't I before?

Everyone deserves it: to be loved.

That has always been there.

Even you.

But you can't love me, you never could.

You can't give me what I want, need, or deserve.

That's ok.

But how many hearts will you take with you on the way?

I find doubt that you can have that love for anyone.

But you still deserve it yourself.

Nothing should rob you of that.

It's a hard and frustrating concept, to have your enemies be loved as much as your brothers.

Especially when they draw them on the opposite line of not only you, but of all of your friends and the light.

I pray for your own eyes to be opened, before you consume another soul and with it their redemption.

You see, yet you are so blind.

What does it matter that you can see them, if you can't, won't, care for them?

Merely flies in your web now.

Life sucked from all of them.

Unfortunately lost forever. No one has ever come back from that death.

"Well... There was this one dude, a long time ago..."

I see it now.

I can't give you what you deserve.

I never could.

I was never empowered with that.

I wish I could have, I wanted it with everything in my person.

I gave it all.

Not an easy task.

Not one easily recovered from.

There was another once, but I find that impossible now.

They are stuck in your web, all of them trapped.

I don't think you fully realize what you do.

Perhaps I pray it for your own sake.

Release us now.

Come back to us on our own terms.

No more lies.

No more treachery.

No more broken spectres of the past to haunt us.

Come back when you have found a path that suits you.

One that doesn't feed off of the souls that would love you.



---------------------------------------------------------------

Blah.

There's a reason why I don't write anything of length anymore.

It gets poluted easily. Never quite conveying what it needs to, always converying too much.

Jumbled, I tell you.

Never concise and to the point.

Anypants.

Enough. I'm in bed. Don't tell anyone to the contrary.

Oh, and if 801-381-1221 means anything to you, speak now, or I might find out on my own. That could be less pleasant.

You have saved us!

Commander Taggert has saved us!

Don't ask me why the quote, but I felt that the first part was prudent:

Science has yet again come to the rescue. It's not my fault that I can't dance, it's genetics.

Brilliant. Blame Evolution.

I think I found a consipiracy, if there ever was one, the conspiracy of modern man to BLAME EVERYTHING on genetics.

It's not my fault I have a foot fetish, it's genetics.

It's not my fault that I blew up that building, it's genetics.

It's not my fault I run around on weekends dressed as a stormtrooper, it's genetics.

Nerds around the world, REJOICE! We can now blame all of our problems on our favorite thing: science.

Genius, why didn't I ever think of it...?

Where's the why?

Look at you.

There's nothing there.

No hope.

No purpose.

You are nothing without your purpose.

Why do you do the things you do?

You have no reason.

You just do it.

Does anyone see you?

How could they?

You're cloaked in eternal bewilderment.

Bewilderment as to what makes you run.

Run away.

Being visible is easy.

What's the point in that?

Why should you be seen?

To truly see you must know the why.

To truly be you must have a why.

You have none.

There is no reason for you.

You simply exist.

A waste.

So much could be garnered.

There's no why, there's no way, there's no how.

And there you are, you have the nerve to ask "Why?"

Sunny weather's come again.

So here we are. Spring time-ish.

Do you see the light?

Such a glorious thing.

I've decided in my frequent treks in the ill-lit areas of life that Man is a creature of light.

While the darkness is exciting, is fun to play in, I don't find that I "bask" in the pitch blackness of a midnight without a moon.

In fact, the dark is really only there to make you appreciate the light.

I really wouldn't know what to do without the darkness. I'd just go blind or something, then it would be dark anyways.

All I know, is it's warming up, and I am too.

I'm getting into position to do the things that I've held off doing all Winter.

And it really, truly is nice to see the sun in force.

To see the grass.

Flowers.

I have to admit, I love to be a woodsy sort.

No tree hugging here, but I do love to revel in the beauty.

And I like to look at flowers. So what, you wanna fight about it?




Such a good thing.

What puts me in a good mood?

Absolutely nothing.

I have to blame it on something.

All I had was a bunch of nothing sitting around.

So it's yer fault.

Deal with it.




What's more, I think you are going to have to deal with it.

I won't make you be happy, it can't be done.

But you'll sure want to get over it.

I dare you to.

I just did.

Ha. I win.

A curiousity.

Such a silly thing.

We all do it, none of us are immune, really.

The young and the old all fall victim to its grasp.

The oddity is that it's perfectly normal, totally accepted.

Does anyone stop and think about the why...?

Why?




You only have the one heart, that's all there is.

Yet, there you are, you seek to give it out, to throw it out even, hoping that someone will play, someone will fetch and return it to you.

Why...?



Some of you are careful, calculating even.

But what does it matter, really?

You end up in the same messes.

Your heart gets crumpled and thrown away.

You can be as carefree as the wind, or as calculating as a mathemetician, but the truth is that it defies reason.

Why...?




So here we are, that untamed beast.

It's gotten us both, hasn't it?

All hot and bothered, all tired we are.

Such an inconsiderate thing.

It doesn't listen to reason.

It doesn't listen to the pleading of our hearts.

It simply is.

It always has been this way, and it will be for some time to come.

Why...?




So here we are.

We're bruised.

We're hurt.

We're looking for our hearts, but no one looks to return them.

We'll march on.

We'll make it.

Why...?



What really is the point, though?

That's the burning question.

All I know is that it sucks.

A gravitational field that has sucked everything into its vortex of doom.

You, me, that guy, and those girls all over there?

All gone.

*slurp*

Vortex of Doom.

Quagmire even.

Why....?

The Good, and the Bad, and it's Ugly...

So it's been a while since I've done this.

I take that as a good sign, for once, a sign that things are improving and maybe even going back to "normal".

Have you ever stopped and thought about what's valuable? What's valuable to you, to society, to everyone and everything?

It strikes me as odd that the things that we value most as a society are the intangibles. I mean, the good things that we value most. We value peace, we value love, we value "innocence" and freedom. None of these things can you ever weigh, smoke, eat or drink.

All of the "negative" or bad things that we value: money, weapons, physical love, obesity.

It's an interesting thing, actually.

Justice and the good, those are all intangible things. We fight for what is right, in other words, we fight for rewards that aren't measurable.

All of the measurable things are what we usually found denounced as evil, as rubbish.

It's interesting when you think about it deeper.

In the sense that we are trying to transend the physical. We seek to leave behind our mortal realm.

Good thing that many of us feel there is more out there. There's more to experience, there's more to strive for.

For those of you that wish to stay here with your fleeting pleasures, I stare in wonder at you, but you have that right. The right to never be, or at least stay, satisfied.

I, however, will strive for the unatainable in the search for being the best that I can be.

I will never give up.

I will fight for what I feel is right. I just find it odd that it should all be unmeasurable and unobtainable...

Hmm....

It's worked so far, but we're not out of this yet.

I wanna know
what you're thinking
there are some things you can't hide...
I wanna know
what you're feeling
tell me what's on you mind.
*pure energy*
Here i am in silence
looking round without a clue
I find myself along again
all alone with you...
I can see behind your eyes
the things that i don't know
if you hide away from me
how can our love grow?
I wanna know
what you're thinking
there are some things you can't hide ...
I wanna know
what you're feeling
tell me what's on your mind.
I know I could break you down
but what good would it do
i could surely never know
that what you say is true..
here i am in silence
it's a game i have to play
you and i in silence
with nothing else to say..
I wanna know
what you're thinking
there are some things you can't hide
I wanna know
what you're feeling
tell me what's on your mind..
*pure energy*
I wanna know
what you're thinking
there are some things you can't hide
I wanna know
what you're feeling
tell me what's on your mind..
I wanna know..
what you'er thinking..
there are some things you can't hide..
I wanna know..
what you're feeling..
tell me what's on your mind.
_pure energy_ information society





So I got on with a plan. And I succeeded in about a half to about two thirds of it.

So much to do, no rest for the wicked.

But I knew I would be posting a song, I just decided a more thoughtful one should win out tonight.

Don't read too much into it, but perhaps read that my tone has improved over what it has been lately.

I'm sorry that I can't be everything I want to be, everything that you need me to be (at least always), but I am learning, growing and trying if that helps you in comfort at all.

I think once I find away to delay my negative emotions for a week, then we'll be good. The issues seem to provide a sort of resolution by then...

I don't know.

Arbitrary thought.

I am sorry for your pain. I can't help but share in it. If anything that I have ever said to you is true, you have to know why I am. You're probably just asking me to hear me say it.

Do I necessarily regret the necessity of the outcome? No. But I do regret that a perfect world doesn't exist to give you what you want, what you need.

Maybe someday I'll help to forge that, if not for you, for someone. I can only hope to have that much for each of us.

Only time can tell, only one thing can give it to us.

If you read these, you'll only become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Some libarians gots together to make a list of the books that learn us the most:

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
The Bible
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy by JRR Tolkien
1984 by George Orwell
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
All Quite on the Western Front by E M Remarque
His Dark Materials Trilogy by Phillip Pullman
Birdsong by Sebastian Faulks
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
The Lord of the Flies by William Golding
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon
Tess of the D'urbevilles by Thomas Hardy
Winnie the Pooh by AA Milne
Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Graham
Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
The Time Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
The Prophet by Khalil Gibran
David Copperfield by Charles Dickens
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov
Life of Pi by Yann Martel
Middlemarch by George Eliot
The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Alexander Solzenhitsyn

Did you catch it? Look again: One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn't belong...

....


....

Still nothing?

Check one more time...

...


Did you see it? Yes, one of my favorites being "All QUITE on the Western Front". Sounds like a great read.

Other then that, the list was quite funny in my opinion. I seriously wonder how they picked the list. After all, "How to kill a mocking bird" beat out the Bible which seems like it narrowly beat out Lord of the Rings. Now, I don't argue that the Lord of the Rings isn't worth reading or anything, but I found the order freakin' hillarious.

Somehow I would rate books on philosophy and life above regular literature, but it could be argued that LOTR would fit.

Anyways...

There's a list for you.

The list of books you should read before you die as per these people.

Birthdays do not concern me, Admiral.

Now witness the power of this fully operational goober station.

So I be 2 decades old now.

It's all down hill from here.

And, as usual, I don't feel it. I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, but there is a stark difference between that and what I have now.

No, there's no need to alert all commands, I'm quite alright now.

I think I've got a better grasp on some of the things that have been going on lately.

I just need to relay that if at all possible.

Ironically, I know have mood specific dice.

Honestly, that's not why I bought them, but you look at my white/clear dice and then the black and red dice and tell me that it's not meant to be that they are dark side/light side :-p.

BTW, I need to find someone into either the SWs RPG or Star Wars miniatures game as I have a million figures and want to use them.

Also, if you can find any of the classics (i.e. rebel and imperial forces from the "A new Hope and etc.) I would be eternally greatful, I really (really - really) want to get some of them to add to the collection.

Anyways, today was a good day, but it hardly felt like a birthday, sorta...

I'm not sure about that, but I'm thinking that it snuck up on me as I gave it the opportunity to do that...

Anyways.

Have fun guys. I hope your respective days were great as well.

Blogs do not concern me, Admiral.

Sorry... It's been my quote of the week for sure: "*miscellaneous noun here* do not concern me, Admiral."

It's a good quote. Very universal.

Quagmires do not concern me, Admiral.

So is there a reason why you're avoiding me, Porter, or do I just need to say something for you to chat again.

I realise the last little week has been tough on you. But I feel the need to chat.

So, chum, let me know.

(Though I wil be less online tomorrow and Sunday. You'll have to look for me later in the evening - as in after 9, prolly - than usuall... Just FYI).

BTW, if you've never tried it, subjugating thousands of worlds and indiginous species is very therapudic.

Odd, really.

Now witness the power of this fully operational battlestation.

I feel guilty, but only a little.

I bought Empire at War.

Spent $10 more for extra features.

I'll brag about how great it is in a little while.

And I don't want the world to see me.

Because I don't think that they'd understand.

When everything's meant to be broken.

I just want you to know who I am.

Good lyrics:

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
Verse 2

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
Chorus

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Verse 3

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

Chorus

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Chorus

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the best songs ever in my opinion.

It's a trap!

Dude, c'mon. There are totally enemy ships in sector four.

Yeah, but you knew that, didn't you?

Of course.

It's the whole hope thing.

You fool, you dare to hope.

You dare to trust.

You dare to love.

You dare to open yourself to the greedy thieves that seek to hurt you.

To maim you.

Who would never actually care for your individual security and peace of mind.

Who would never care to love you.

Greedy.

Hurtful.

False.

Tricksie hobbitses.

So here we are again.

Top of the slide, right?

Only for a moment.

It is a slide, you dork.

Time to start all over again.

Time to cauterize that wound.

No more bleeding hearts.

That's done with.

Several years too late, un-useful.

Hurtful even.

Tried that experiment.

It failed.

Pack it up and go home boy-ohs. No more need for your equipment here.

So I'm done. It's cool.

It might take a while.

It's certainly not going to be easy to just pack it up.

But it is necessary.

I'm not about to sit here and bleed to death while they rip open my freshly sealing wounds.

What's the point, the logic, in that?

None, I say.

And so it stops here.

A return to whence you came.

A much needed reform into the rigidity that has been my staple, in which you have come to love.

No more tears, no more bleeding, no more distance.

Firmness.

A return to what I was meant to be, and not a shallow mockery of it.

Deal with it.

It's not likely to be given up so easily again.

I'm tired of the situations that it has brought forth.

I told you that I should have just pulled out and nuked the site from orbit.

It's the only way to be sure.